letting go...

I've been meaning to let go of him. Most of my thoughts is about letting him go and living without my dream of meeting him someday. I love him so much more than life but I feel like its definitely time for me to let go of him. I've been miserable, i've been begging for his mercy to trust me, to treat me right, to make me feel special, i've been expecting that my ait won't be too long from now. 6 years, and i know i have to loosen up even though it means living without a dream no more, living without my love and moving on and praying hard that I can get through all of this alone. They say, if you love someone you gotta set them free. He needed to be free from someone so uptight like me, he needed to be free and have more time for himself, he needed to be free from responsibility of saving up and meeting me one day. and as much as he needed to be free from me, I know I needed to let go and free myself from the miseries. im not comfortable with our situation anymore, I can't have a day without talking to him and i know there will come a day that this will have to stop and i would need to live my life alone. There's no room for positivity in me anymore, i used it all up and i can't get any support from him with all this. I'm tired and i wanna let go. It hurts so much its killing me and i know i have to die to let him go because he's been my love and my life... and he shouldn't be.

I wish...

I've been alone for many years and I wish someone would treat me special. Whenever they ask me if I have a boyfriend, I say NO because Mike is not with me, he doesn't give me stuff which I can show to my friends. I don't have anything to let them see that he exists. We don't have memories together, we dont have anything. But why would i even waste effort in proving to them all these. why does it even hurt. Maybe im convincing myself and not them... I have alot of things in mind that I wish I can say to Mike but I know i cant dictate a person on how they would like to treat me. I just wish that one day in time, even just for a day, I would feel special to someone. I want to be recognized by him with my efforts, I want him to comfort me because I want to let him know that its not easy falling in love with someone who can never be mine. Its easy to say to just leave him alone and start all over again but its so damn hard. I would die in heart ache. I know he cant make me feel special I just pray to God that HE would give me more strength to endure this and the gift of understanding that love is not about receiving but its all about giving...

Dear Mike,

Merry Christmas Baby. I am glad that we are still holding on despite of the hardships of being apart and not having enough time for each other. Thank you for the time you spent with me. For the kindness you've shown and by listening to me and for letting me feel that I got you on my back. Thank you for being a friend, for not letting go of me even when you feel like you already have to. I also would like to say sorry if i caused you stress, im sorry if I demand alot from you. I never intended to bring any troubles to you and I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. I know you don't like drama. I wish I can set aside my feelings and not think about the future so that I wont feel anxious with all of these. i'll try to not bring it up again and I'll try to be strong for us and I hope that you will be strong for yourself as you will leave again anytime soon. I wish you all the best even if it doesn't include me on it. After all i think that's what matters the most when you love someone so much. I pray hard that we could together endure the hardships in this relationship and someday find each others' arms. iloveyou and you know that...

Christmas

I'm not feeling any younger every Christmas and the more I get to realize it, the more I understand that the usual excitement I always feel when I was a kid about Christmas won't come again but all they were are memories that I could keep forever. The crisp joy of having to open gifts on Christmas eve, the long vacation from school, the vacation itself, and the food. This Christmas, I felt a little different because the Mirafuentes clan decided to go away with gift-giving but decided to spend Christmas with the less fortunate kids and toddlers. We also came up with the same shirt designed by my cousin. I so love the Christmas '10!

when is the right time to let go? :(

crying

Im so tired of crying my heart out. I wish i can just hit my head just for once so that I would realize that not all things last forever. Im hurting because I still love him so much. I feel like he doesnt have the time anymore and I can't comfort myself that everything will be fine because I dont feel like its gunna be fine. I hope i could just forgive and forget. I pray that i wont be too hard with myself and to him. I wish I knew how to handle this well. I miss spending time with him and talking with him. I feel so alone and Im wishing there could be someone who would like to spend time with me and listen to me and be there for me. I thought it would be Mike but i know he is busy with his new life right now whom i thought I would still be part of, but all along i was so wrong. God Help me through this. I need you in times like this T_T

Tandy's Wedding

It was good seeing friends again last night in Siao’s wedding. After college, we’ve been busy with our individual lives that we can’t even gather ourselves for a simple dinner or night out without conflict of schedules. We were those college students but now I can’t believe that we’re all gathered again (unfortunately without Nikko’s presence) not for some school party or night out but for Siao’s wedding; the girl we expect to get married first among all of us! I realized that we are indeed growing up and some might be going on the same route for marriage life. I am truly happy to see my friends again and of course, to see Siao with a new and loving family. She will be giving birth in 4 months! We may be attending a baptism any time real soon! Mean while, here are some of our pics. Enjoy!

with the Groom Kent and lovely Bride Tandy

Cris being funny

EVENT ORGANIZERS: just posing at the entrance: while waiting for the guest to come

alone

mike and i have been lately fighting. it hurts me so much bec i feel like whatever i do; i can't bring him to be gentle on me. i feel like he didnt care what ive been through when he joined the military. ive been crying and ive been confuse, been botttling this all up by myself. i never showed that each day of waiting and hoping; that my heart brittles. i wanna hold on and be strong for our relationship but i end up feeling nothing but self pity. sometimes i just needed him to remind me to hold on just like before. he wants me to be strong but now when i cant take it anymore, he pushes me away

Help me God

There will always be something that is missing in this life. I've been trying to rationalize this sad truth; and it comforted me to know that it is part of being human. We are never complete; as we live in this world, we seek... We are in a journey that only time can tell and only us can decide on how to go over about it.

I take my case as an example; I wish to have a happy family. We are happy despite of the imperfections, we are together despite of our differences and I guess for now that's all that matters. Even when I have my family with me, I still seek for my mother to change whatever bad attitude she has that I don't really like. There will always be times when I just cant stand her but it doesnt mean that I dont love her. I do, its me and her (human)-- being imperfect that makes me seek more from her. And i know even when I am certain that i cant change her; in the back of my head i still hope or even sigh for it.

I have a job that everybody thinks that I am lucky enough because I get paid big. Truth is, its not big compared to what they think. But I am happy because I feel like I was hired in this "company" they think that only smart people can get in. I feel proud of myself and of course thankful. I dont know if I'm ungrateful enough but I keep on complaining about my traveling situation to and from work. I also can't rent a room because it will be more costly for me. But I always get a grip of myself and remind myself that I am lucky to have a good job.

I'm supposedly perfect but then again, im not. Nobody is. I wish despite of the imperfections, i find myself to be happy and much more thankful. Contented and carefree; to have a peace of mind.

I lastly wish that God will give me someone that could take care of my heart. I've been alone and been wishing secretly that someone would take away my sadness and makes me feel special. I wish it would be Mike but i know he can't give me that. Not because he is busy but because he just cant. I greatly understand our situation; that it will take alot of time for us to be together but for the past months, I never felt wanted anymore by him. I didn't feel important anymore and I need it to sustain myself and to get away from the hurt of not being with him. At least, i am praying that he would remind me i am missed, I am special. What hurts me most is not the physical distance between us but I hate the fact that he seemed to be distant anymore. Whatever I do to be gentle on the situation; he still kept on pulling away and what's worst even when it friggin hurts me, I still persist. Lord God, I never loved this way in my entire life, please let me know if i have to go away... Please give me more strength to hold on and to extend my patience and understanding. Please guard my heart from more pain.

Dear ....

There are times when I hate myself because I just dont know what to do. I wish whenever I ran into something new someone can tell me what's the right thing to do. We've been cold with each other lately. I knew I had expressed myself that I am tired of this already. I mean it, but it's the last thing I wanna say. I'm tired of missing you. Above all, Im tired of being scared. I know what you've been undergoing for months is overwhelming and drastic. I know I should extend my patience more when you can't be with me like you used to. I've been trying my best to set aside my feelings but still there are times when I find myself asking, "What about me?". You dont remember our anniversary, you forgot my birthday. Im thinking you are just tired and stressed from training but then again my mind would let it pass but my heart can't. You don't like me asking you questions, you leave me whenever you dont like it anymore, you pull away when I feel upset when all I want is for you to comfort me even just for a while. I just needed to be assured that everything will be fine. That you don't mean to hurt me whenever we have an argument but I know i'd be foolish to expect that. I know our limitations, i just don't know how to handle this heavy hearted feeling of mine. I want to pull away but it hurts but when i try to understand you and forget about my feelings, it still hurts me. I'm pulling away to see if you'll pull me back but i now see you drifting away...

mumbles heard from a bored person

im scAred of being alone. its funny coz i like being alone but it hurts me being that way. im a masochist maybe... its just that when im alone i would have the time to examine myself and i will start asking lotsa questions. questions that im avoiding and answers that are fAr from being possible. just like now, ive been asking myself if whose goin to take care of me when everyone i knew has someone to take care already. im asking if i would have the love that i deserve. im asking how much longer is the need to wait or will i be love in return? will it still come? being the libra girl that i am, i always give justice to both sides of the story, mayybe that's why im patient like this. sometimes, i just would like to be the right person instead of waiting for whoever iis mr. right... but half of the time, i would wish someone will make me feel im special too... i just need that one little act.

waiting is a mystery

Author: Napoleon Gonzales III

Waiting is a mystery - a natural sacrament of life - there is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives. Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting (testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in self-control.)

We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend to call or show up for a date. We wait in line at cinemas and theaters. Our airline terminals, railway stations and bus depots are great temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one - or wait in sadness to say goodbye. And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next stop. We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success and recognition. We wait to grow up - to reach the stage where we make our own decisions.

We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is a part of the tapestry of living - the fabric in which the threads are woven to tell the story of our lives.Yet current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait - Instant pleasure, instant transcendence. Do not wait for anything. Life is short - eat, drink and be merry because tomorrow you will die.

And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom- they warn against attachments and commitments - against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us - against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and wait. This may be the correct prescription for pleasure - but even that is fleeting and doubtful.

If we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, soul as well as heart, we have to learn to wait. For if we never learn to wait, we will never learn to love someone other than ourselves. But most of all, waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery, brushing by our face everyday like a stray leaf falling from a tree.

Anyone who has loved knows how much waiting goes into it - how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime.

Why is this? Why can't we have it right now, what we so desperately want and need? Why must we wait - two years, three years - and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruits - the seed to flower - carbon to change to diamond.

There is no simple answer - no more than there is to life's other demands - having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have made other commitments or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives - you having to leave home and loved ones to find your own path. Good-byes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

All we know is that growth - the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other a time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting - of being present without asking demands and rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It truly tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give.

So lovers wait for each other - until they can see things the same way - or let each other freely see things in quite different ways. There are times when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance of intimacy of the way they were. They have to wait - in silence - but still present to each other - until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story.

What do we lose when we refuse to wait, when we try to find shortcuts through life - when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of truly loving or of being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature - isn't it of their very essence that they are filled with this strange but common mystery - that waiting is part of the substance - the basic fabric against which the story of that true love is written.

How can we ever find either life or true love if we are too impatient to wait for it? Waiting is a good thing only if something is worth waiting for.

How will you know if it's worth it? Gut feel. What if you don't trust your gut? Pray. You will be enlightened. Trust me.

Is it wrong to expect while waiting? It's not wrong, but it will increase your chances of heartbreak and disappointment if things don't work out in the end.

Is it good to expect while waiting? It is better to HOPE.

What's the difference between hoping and expecting? HOPING means you're open to either side of the coin landing though you're more inclined to believe that things will turn out well. EXPECTING means you're thinking single-track, which won't do you much good at all.

What's the difference between waiting and expecting? EXPECTING is waiting for something TO DEFINITELY HAPPEN. WAITING is staying where you are, but not necessarily expecting something to happen definitely.

Do you need assurance from someone you're waiting for while you're waiting? Ideally, yes. But realistically, do you really want assurance from this person? It's so easy to just point at something and make that the reason why you're waiting ("Because she said..." "Because he told me that...").

With WAITING, all you really can rely on are 3 things: your gut feel, your heart and your mind. Just YOURSELF, not anyone else.

So should you wait? What does your gut say? How does your heart feel? What does your mind think? If they're saying different things, keep asking yourself these 3 questions (and pray!) until you get a solid answer. THEN you'll know if he or she is worth waiting for.

work :)

Im kind of depress at work coz im not hitting my QA scores. My manager thinks this is because of my jolly character that he thinks is hindering myself from getting the right score he wanted for me. Well, not really for me but for his self too! I don't like how he handles agents, sometimes when were on a meeting, his words are kinda like scripted and too fake. I did not join the team breakfast because of him too. Nah, I wanna keep it civil with him and im trying my fuckin best to hit QA not for him but for myself! -- sometimes, it just doesnt work! Its soo damn frustrating!

the heart or the mind

im stubborn. sometimes it causes me hard feelings, it makes me forget how to care for myself. i dont know what to do. i dont know what lies ahead. i dont know how long i could stay strong and how firm i could stand on my words. nobody could give me exact answers. i just go whatever my heart tells me...

my heart says to be patient, my mind says its enough. my heart says its by God's time but my mind tells me that God's answer is already a no. my heart would like to give way and is willing to forget its own sorrows but my mind says its about time to wake up and see reality as it is.

Hey its My Birthday

hehe.. I wish someone could give me a birthday cake. But its okay. Many had greeted me in facebook just because they see thats it my birthday today but still im happy because of that. 22 years of existence and I feel good about it. Im treating my friends out later at Redbox and hope to have a good time with them.

I thank you Lord for all the blessings. There are things that frustrates me bec of expectations that hasn't meet. I wish Mike had prepared a love letter perhaps or emailed me colorful happy birthday text in the email but he completely forgot about my birthday. hehe

But still, I thank God for the gift of life.

of my random thoughts

I've looked into myself and I admit that I've been ungrateful for the things and people that I have in my life. I tried to wipe away my miseries by thinking that despite of everything, I still have a beautiful world ahead of me. I knew Im lucky enough to have my family. We're not perfect but its real and I know that I would always have them no matter what. I got my Papa, who simply knows how to fill in what is needed and missing in my life. He would drive me to work or ask me things that I needed so that he would know and have peace in mind that Im alright. How could I ever think of him as bias as I would always think he loves my sister more than he loves me. I think its time to shove that kind of thinking... What I am grateful more is that fact that I have my sister with me. She never judge me and knowing this, I know I will always got her on my back. And the rest is the same with my siblings and mama. I know they will be around and it makes me feel complete having them in my life.

I also would like to thank God for the blessings he showered upon me. No, I can't have everything but what He has given me is more than enough. I wish there will come a time when I could give back the blessings God has given me. Im so much thankful that I have to get up every night to work and much more thankful because God always protects me where ever I go even when Im alone. I remembered my customer over the phone, she taught me a prayer; I forgot the words verbatim but its something like, God bless me today and I pray that there's nothing that You and me can't handle. It was a brief yet beautiful prayer. Among all the angry customers I get, I thank God that He routed that single call to me and I get to speak with that lady. Its such a blessing... In addition to that, Im so grateful that I passed QA for the month of September. Truly indeed that God answers prayers . I've been praying for it and working hard on it. I pray God will be with me on this...

I wish I could repay the goodness that the Lord has shown to me. I guess my own share on this would be to try my best to be better everyday. To be courageous to do a little change everyday and to make a good habit out of it. God is good, and thats all i know...

talking about my Faith

We could never be strong enough. There will always be time that regardless of our effort to keep it cool we are affected by things around us. There will always be times that no matter how we put things in the right perspective, we get hurt and we still question them. There will always be that time when after all the brave person that you are, you cry in the middle of the night when everybody is in deep slumber. We try to hide our weaknesses, our fears, our shortcomings pretending to be strong, but are we? Maybe at some point we are on that thought but I realized we could never be strong enough. There will always be a part of us that seeks shelter; where we just lay all of ourselves in confidence and in this imperfect world that we have, I realized that our faith and prayers helps alot. It is knowing that we are nothing if we do not have faith. Faith comes in a different form, whether faith in yourself or in your own beliefs. But the biggest and powerful faith one could ever have is the faith in the Lord. I admit I never really have it. I was so wrong to not pause, reflect and pray. I was so wrong to not ask HELP from Him thinking I could manage it. I was so wrong to not appreciate the things and the people that I have and the things that I never even have. I realized that I've been astray and Im so lost without Him. I thought Im strong enough but I never was. Maybe this is one of the pivotal moments in my life, I need God in my life to get through all of these. I need to thank Him for the gift of being alive, for the blessing of having such a great and loving family, for the job that I have right now, for His guidance every time I go to work at night, for the friends whom I love and have, for the beauty in this world. Most especially, I thank Him for giving me Mike, for the pain of holding on and waiting, for always letting me know that tomorrow is full of uncertainties because all of these reminds me that I need God in my life. And with Him, I know it will be alright. I'll rest my future to God...

LET

I cant sleep and I am a bit nervous. In 3 hours, im goin to take my board exams. I am so not prepared. I have not studied extensively, im cramming, im not in the right mindset, im tired. Or i dont know, maybe im making up good excuses to comfort myself. im so not prepared. but i do hope that everything will be fine and still, am praying that i would pass. aja!

weekends and worlds apart

i hope that the next time that i post something here, i would be a completely different person. With a different perspective in life; stronger...

Message in a Bottle, A Letter to Catherine

July 22, 1997

My Dearest Catherine,

I miss you my darling as I always do, but today is especially hard because the ocean has been singing to me, and the song is that of our life together. I cam almost feel you beside me as I write this letter, and I can smell the scent of wildflowers that always reminds me of you. But at this moment, these things give me no pleasure. Your visits have been coming less often, and I feel sometimes as if the greatest part of who I am is slowly slipping away.

I am trying, though. At night when I am alone, I call for you, and whenever my ache seems to be the greatest, you still seem to find a may to return to me. Last night, in my dreams, I saw you on the pier near Wrightsville Beach. The wind was blowing through your hair, and your eyes held the fading sun light. I am struck as I see you leaning against the rail. You are beautiful, I think I see you, a vision that I can never find in anyone else. I slowly begin to walk toward you, and when you finally turn to me, I notice that others have been watching you as well. "Do you know her?" they ask me in jealous whispers, and as you smile at me, I simply answer back with the truth. "Better than my own heart."

I stop when I reach you and take you in my arms. I long for this moment more than any other. It is what I live for, and when you return my embrace, I give myself over to this moment, at peace once again.

I raise my head and gently touch your cheek and you tilt your head and close your eyes. My hands are hard and your skin is soft, and I wonder for a moment if you'll pull back, but of course you don't. You never have, and it is at times like this that I know what my purpose is in life.

I am here to love you, to hold you in my arms, to protect you. I am here to learn from you and to receive your love in return. I am here because there is no other place to be.

But then, as always, the mist starts to form as we stand close to one another. It is a distant fog that rises from the horizon, and I find that I grow fearful as it approaches. It slowly creeps in, enveloping the world around us, fencing us in as if to prevent escape. Like a rolling cloud, it blankets everything, closing, until there is nothing left but the two of us.

I feel my throat begin to close and my eyes well-up with tears because I know it is time for you to go. The look you give me at that moment haunts me. I feel your sadness and my own loneliness, and the ache in my heart that had been silent for only a short time grows stronger as you release me. And then you spread your arms and step back into the fog because it is your place and not mine. I long to go with you, but your only response is to shake your head because we both know that is impossible.

And I watch with breaking heart as you slowly fade away. I find myself straining to remember everything about this moment, everything about you. But soon, always too soon, your image vanishes and the fog rolls back to its faraway place and I am alone on the pier and I do not care what others think as I bow my head and cry and cry and cry.

Garrett

Excerpted from MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE © Copyright 1998 by Nicholas Sparks. Reprinted with permission by Warner Vision. All rights reserved.

my piece of one sweet love ♥

This song reminds me so much of Mike. I love him so much...

RID

All I want to do is get rid of "this" guy. Im so annoyed now wishing that I shouldn't have entertained him in the first place. I hate it when they make up stories, when they try hard to impress me, when they become so attached and uhh i just hate it! And i know in the first place i shouldn't have entertained him because its not the right thing to do. I hate it when he text me and flood my phone with messages. oh gosh!!! its making me crazy!

And Im thinking that these guys always proves me that no matter what, I belong to Mike. That my heart, my attention and my thoughts are with him. Even when he is miles away, nothing can breach my feelings or u can call it "love" for him. And even when im annoyed now, I could still smile because I proved once again that something like this can't change the way I think about everything between us.

So my mission really right now is to get rid of this guy, I might hurt him but I gotta be honest with myself. It must have been my fault because I entertained him at first and now he is thinking that there is something between us. I wanted to be gentle as possible and I wish I could be honest to him by telling him that I cant give back the love that he expresses :(

Im better off alone.

Goodbye Necklace.. till next!

Last night. The risk of going to work at night is always there. I am completely aware of the dangers out in the streets because I’ve been working at night for more than a year now, it became very normal to me. Not in the sense that the possible presence of muggers won’t give me the raw feeling of fear and adrenaline rush but most of the time I forget about the risks and danger that awaits me. I am no superwoman so I am not an exception to it. Just last night, two filthy kids snatched my necklace; my precious necklace. The only possession that was left to me was all gone. I could’ve just chased the kids. I shivered on the thought that they already took away everything to me. I don’t have anything that reminds me that Mike is real. It’s all gone. And it produces an ache to the deepest of my heart. I wanted to just let it go but it is too precious to forget. It is too painful because I am holding on to it. I am scared because I got nothing to hold on to anymore. I wish God will help me see the larger picture. I appreciate my dad telling me that it must be the kid’s mom’s birthday and they need something to buy pancit. It’s quite comforting in the sense that I might be able to help other people but still, the way they do it was really bad. I am not ready to let go of it yet and I just wished that someday, (though this is so much like a “novel” way of thinking) I would get it back again. It belongs to me L

tired

I've been feeling so tired lately. Been sick and been confused...

I wish i can just crashed in to someone's bed right now and sleep because the thought of going home is agony. The day at work today is very exhausting though i thank God that I was able to manage it

it froze

I wish I could elude whatever feelings that wrapped me right now. I wish I would know how it must have really and genuinely felt when Mike sent me an email. I know "this" guy who just came along (a week before Mike graduates) is nothing but a diversion but im caught up with everything. I know that there are things that i indeed had ask for. I remember i was asking for someone to come along to fill in what's been missing. I love Mike but im guilty because I dont want to hurt anybody but if i let go of "this" , i'd be back in misery and loneliness missing Mike. I know im being selfish but somewhere deep down inside, i felt bad because i feel like im using him; and he doesnt deserve it. I miss Mike so much but i feel so bad deep inside. I dont want to lose Mike, not this time but if i tell him about it, i know he will not understand :(

remember

i got in early today at work because i went to SM to buy a necklace for my sister and for myself. I finally bought a necklace and wear mike's pendant with me. Whenever i wear it, i feel like he is with me even when he is not. I so damn miss him so much and i hope in the next two weeks i would hear from him soon!!!! Im kind of excited because i really dont know what im feeling here inside. I suppress emotions or its more of like keeping myself so damn busy so that i cant think of him that much but it permeates no matter what and i know he must have been feeling the same way. Im just excited to hear from him and surprisingly, im not that mindful of the future anymore. What matters is now and the next 2 weeks and thats it...

fighting over my feelings

Even feelings should be validated. Sometimes, they become so strong that you find urself losing ur own battle. I know i shouldnt feel something for him because its not the right thing to do. Honestly, im trying to put things in a logical order because i dont want myself hurting and assuming something that is not really happening. I feel so stupid having to admit that i dont wanna fall for him because i know he is just looking for fun and i agreed "having fun" with him but oh ney ney... i know i shouldnt be given much thought of him... and i did. and i know i should get out as soon as possible... I'l do it before everything goes wrong i guess....

weekend

I went to Kuya Jay's and Ate Ana's wedding last Saturday and boy it was the most meaningful wedding i've ever attended. It was simple yet the best. I could see them very much in love with each other and i guess that's all that matters. With a crazy weather, the wedding was held in a beautiful garden at Montebello and surprisingly the weather cooperated! It was a day God created for them. The food was awesome i went straight to cloud 9!!

After, we went clubbing to Vudu and enjoyed teqilla. I was wasted :D then went to K1 right after...

I had to get up early though for Talima...

Talima was fun! thats all!

im missing u and its killing me

When i was in the jeepney earlier, i thought about mike and I— i thought about our relationship and how we should deal with it. It’s so hard when u miss someone so much and u ache for him but he can’ be there. Looking at everything between us, i know i have the choice to just walk out. If im goin to use my head and not my heart, I would pity myself and just walk away from it. There will be alot of reasons but I always tell myself that i love him and its all that matters. And it will lead me to forget about everything because my heart rules even when its painful. I understand that I cant blame him about this because it was our choice to stay. I can’t be too selfish in claiming that I’ve been waiting and hurting and had been depressed all along because I know he also had his part that only him could understand; that only he himself had only gone through. And i respect that. Even when it takes two to tango, the other can change the course of the dance and turn it into something “not-so-tango.” It is possible. But i cant seem to decide for myself right now. I need him. I miss him and it hurts so much L

work work work

One week and one day at work is FUN. I get my company's drift. I do not have any idea how other bpo companies run their training because I only had an experience with one. My experience though was very far from the current one because we jumped right to client specifics and did not had time to tackle on voice and accent training or communication skills. I always believe that one can practice a skill if he has a better understanding on the matter itself. Because we're not native speakers of English, it is as equally as important not just to practice speaking the language but also, to have an idea why we have differences and difficulties in the second language. And it is by understanding these challenges that we are more conscious on which we could improve on and so that we can speak the language close to how natives speak. It made sense why we need to spend 2 weeks training for voice and accent. I love the class so much because it kind of reminds me of my college classes as well but it makes more sense to me right now because I get to use it for my line of job. The application is right there and I am looking forward to learn more and be fluent with the language.

I also like our trainer, Thirdy. Wow, special mention right there... I know im creepy right but here is his picture,

He looks like that but he speaks differently. By different, i mean to say that his voice doesnt match his face (on that certain picture). haha.. I like him so much because he knows just alot of things plus i cant forget how stern he was during my interview. I was lost with words because he literally was like writing just about everything I said on that day. It scared the hell out of me, and for the first time i was afraid for the longest time.

Anyway, i gotta roll now and i really need to sleep. runny nose kills me!

how'd u like my new page? :D

i woke up early today which is kind of ironic since i dont have work. everything is unusually dark but oh well...

i miss mike so much that it hurts :(

just being random

Im here in a very obscure internet cafe and for some reasons im experiencing the ultimate lag time of my life. I am typing without the letters appearing on the screen but it typed though. nah whatever...

im kind of a masochist today because im pounding the keyboard even when my finger hurts like crazy! i hurt it last night when i was rummaging through Hershey's "vanity basket"; i actually sliced my finger on to her "de-tangler comb". oh man it hurts like hell.

anyway, i'd had a few observations for today. hehe

RANDOM 1: I hate it when people inside the jeepney stares at me! I mean yes i'l give u the right to stare at me but please dont go over with my time limit! It annoys me real time. I mean why would u stare at someone? that is just so mean. but anyway, in reality i cant really do anything about it. What i can do though which i always do anyway is raise my eyebrow and just give them back a nasty look; they deserve it...

RANDOM 2: I always find myself PLAIN and simple yet i find it nice when a few people vocally tells me that they like me (or they like the way i look). I mean, of course they wont like my personality (haha) but i take pride too when they compliment me with my body and i think i should start believing in myself that im perhaps attractive! (im having a hard time convincing myself with that).

RANDOM3: I am terribly missing Mike!!! oh gosh, i dont even want to start writing about it. I'll write more later..

for now, im waiting for Bing because we gunna watch SEX and the CITY! wohoo!! i know people would flood the theater but goodluck though!


ciao!

umm amm...

First day of official training is over! It went well and i really liked the fact that they not only teach us proper pronunciation and all that voice and accent stuff but they made us understand the basics. Its a great help and I am really liking it so far though im all jittery and nervous about the whole thing. Im just being thankful that aside from my salary, i also get to learn things that are quite basic but they actually verbalized and organized everything we need to know why the heck we speak English differently. I know i should be positive about it and I guess im goin to learn ALOT about it which is im very excited about.

So, everything went well for today except for the fact that mike is not around. I terribly miss him.. like crazy!!! One thing i should learn about this is to keep up with my hope and above all, have faith in God. I realized that i should be partner with God in all times whether something is goin on my way or not. I felt so guilty for not honoring God especially last year. I know i've lost my path but i wanted to be with Him again. I know He will not let me down when everything else will...

I gotta go now! ciao!

new work life

I'd finish the 2 day induction thing with my new company. Everything was good and i know im very lucky to be one of the first 200 "bankers" hired in Cebu City. Its quite something to me though i dont act as if i give a damn. hehe. On monday would be training and Im kind of nervous again. I know i should enjoy every bit of it and learn from it but self doubt is eating in on me. I remember what my previous manager told us, that the only person who could put u down is YOU, yourself. Its easier said and done but its absolutely true. I just need to conquer my fears, believe in myself and let positive energy come in. wee!!

missing

everyday has been a miracle for me. its not easy living each day, living each hour, living each minute or second not knowing and not hearing from mike. And i know, he felt the same way too.. he might have feel twice the pain im undergoing right now. sometimes, life gets sour without any notices and it struck u along and u dont have a choice but be strong and sturdy as u can be. I wish i can reach mike tell him to hang in there, remind him i love him and to tell him his all what i am thinking of every day.. that i just, just love him. I wish i can hug him and tell him everything would be fine. i leave it all to God, trust mike that he can surpass training and most of all trust God whatever the outcome would be. now that i got a feeling that he's been having difficulties in training, i feel like i wanna be strong for him. oh god, if i can just break down and cry, drown all the miseries.. but i know that would be the last thing i wanna do. i wanna be there for him. i know he feels me right now. i love u so much baby

new job

im starting my new job today! im excited and i really dont know what to expect. good thing domz also got in with the same sched so its not that edgy knowing i have a friend coming along! goodluck to me! hehe.. i'll blog more later!

I'm Missing You

First day of June and 10 days without hearing from mike. It felt so empty without him and it silently breaks my heart. I miss him terribly that all i could do is reach for him here in my heart. I know he misses me and it makes it all much harder. 8 more weeks and thinking about it is pure agony. I hope and pray that everything is well about him. If there's one thing that I learned from waiting and missing him, its to strengthen my faith to the Lord and pray that everything will work out according to God's plan. I'll be strong coz that's the way it is.. This song is for Mikey...

3rd day 1st week

Im literally counting the days and i hope i'd soon forget how to count so that i wont miss him more. I get alot of time for myself too and trying to enjoy life alone. I miss him soo soo much but oh well, I leave all to God. I just hope he is fine and is thinking about me too...

I woke up early and its torture! Now i feel like i wanna sleep more but i need to drop Miko off to his rehearsals. Well that's good too because i get to go out and not just stay at home. It was a little crazy though because we have to wait for like 2 hours for the others to come. I was like, "whaaat!!" inside. LOL. Good thing though that the gym has a nearby park and we get to enjoy the place. Its the typical pinoy park but im so amazed that its so clean!!! :D I wish i had take a pic of it, but then again, i'd remind myself that my camera was killed. LOL

So now, im here at USC. good thing i get to stay here at the cafe (air conditioned!!!) and exploit the internet. haha.. and of course get to see Judy...

well, that's all folk, im so tired of the narration here. lol. God bless me and mike :)

1st day 1 wk

im counting the days. first day without mike... waahh.. i cant explain it.

anyway, Im so touched with Hershey, she always keep me company and she was incredibly sweet this morning when i woke up. maybe she sensed im sad :(

im praying God will protect and guide my mike :)

adding salt to a wound

im running out of time to spend with mike. barely 3 hours. i went online at 11pm thankful that my sis is not around yet, but it frustrates me that mike went online at 1am just as time for my sis to get home and use the comp. now im running out of time... im so frustrated.

how do u cry in silence? how do u get angry by keeping calm? how can u stay strong when all u wanna do is surrender

dear blog

do i deserve this? whenever we spend time, he ended up sleeping coz he cant help it and he feels sleepy. even when we dont have enough time to spend anymore, even when i like to spend every minute of him, i still feel the need to compete because he feels sleepy and needs to sleep and i know the right thing is to give way and let him sleep even when it means we cant talk. im so damn tired having to race just to get not just his time but attention but i know he didnt mean it. i dont know. its bullshit.

Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart...

Okay. No here it is. Mike is leaving tomorrow. The real test is here. I got alot of mixed up emotions right now. Honestly, im happy that this might help him improve his life. Honestly, im sad because that means not talking to him in 9 weeks. God knows he is the only one i talk to. Honestly, im worried because i know things will change after 9 weeks as if the 9 weeks is not enough to cause me pain. Honestly, im scared because i know even when these things are happening, we still wont be meeting each other real soon. And i am scared because i've spent so much years waiting for him, im scared nothing will happen. But isnt this the real meaning of love? Giving in, sacrificing, not asking something in return? I dont know what will happen so im still holding on to the fact that i love him and will wish for what's best for him. While im goin to search for myself, live in independence, not expecting too much from him yet praying for the best. One thing's for sure, im so hurt right now i wanted to just cry and drift away :(

i will miss you baby...

I finally found the best title of this blog. I think that's best describes me, like even before when my problems and frustrations are not as great as what i have now, i was suicidal. i am bitter, i am sad, im the greatest pessimist ever alive on earth... and i dont deserve someone special in my life. because im broken beyond repair. I will die sooner or later feeling like the greatest loser in the whole wide world. Every thing is painful in my life, and i dont know how to be grateful because i keep asking for more than what this life could offer me. Im asking someone to love me, be there for me and someone who can make me feel i am not alone. of course, God thinks im too ambitious to ask for that, yet here i am, getting a fool of myself, expecting too much. ive had alot and now i think God should atleast, for one time grant my wish, I WANT TO DIE.. now

scream.

i wanna scream out loud. tears wont stop. im a failure. i loved someone and decided to get involved into something impossible that it just gave me heart aches, pain, frustration and shit.

i wonder what's more effective, jumping off a building or swallowing rat poison which i have an easy access to

fkjelte

i cant help feeling bad. im here by the comp, alone. mike is not online anymore. i wanna die bec i cant get what i want. its frustrating. even the smallest thing i want is impossible.

im so tired of being frustrated. i put my fone to vibrate but i wasnt able to wake up when mike emailed me. i woke up when my sis came home which is very late and then i read mike's messages. i have to wait till she finishes using the comp. when she finish using it, mike then emailed me that he's goin somewhere. now im here by the comp, feeling like shit. i feel like im always running to get something that i cant. i hate the chasing part. im frustrated big time. im a failure anywhere i go

love love love

cutie onion edited pic

shit

Im feeling like shit right now. i feel like i wanna disappear in this world; floating in nothingness and not feeling anything at all. Im so tired of everything. I feel like every people, every situation and instances are not on my side. Is it too much to ask to be happy? I feel like shit towards my siblings. feels like shit with mike. everything is messed up. i just wanted to feel im important to them but i know i might have been asking too much!

its a beautiful day

comp is back! hehe

done submitting my requirements though there are documents that i missed out, the heck, im goin to forget about it just for today and enjoy my stay at home (bec my vacation mode would soon be over!)

though im kind of anxious on what awaits me on my second job, i dont have a choice but embrace the challenges coz there's no backing out!

im also excited how its gunna be like without mike for 9 weeks. (im making this positive as possible). I mean we've never been out of reach THIS long!!! love sick love sick love sick!!

i'd bathe Hershey by the way :D

Dear Mike,

I cant find one word that can exactly describe what im feeling right now that you're leaving in less than a week. Im honestly feeling sick about it, literally, i feel chills over me. I feel anxious and depress and scared. But im also hopeful and happy that you're on your way to fulfilling your dreams. I got alot of emotions in me that sometimes i cant hold back tears. I wish you're here to wrap me around your arms and tell me everything will be fine, to assure me that this will work. But i know im not getting any of that :(

I would like you to know that, you are my heart. You are every single beat of it.

This might caused us heart aches but we will hold on because we love each other.

This might be painful but it will bring out the best of our relationship.

This might not be a smooth ride but we're sure we are getting somewhere on this.. together.

You're my sweetest dream...

and I know I am meant for you.

I wanna be honest by telling you that this kind of relationship is never easy for me and i know that sometimes you feel that way. But someone like you comes once in a lifetime so i'l do my very best to be strong here on my own and i hope you'll promise me to do the same.

Before I ran out of time, I want to THANK YOU for treating me so special despite of our situation. I felt your sincerity, your passion and love and because of that, I know deep inside I found my soul-mate in you.

I will miss you so very much like crazy and whatever happens, you can always come home to me. and If u miss me, remember us in paradise; happy and just us :)

"If I fall

If I break

If I lose myself in someone

If I give all I am it'll be with you

When I'm ready to take

All that you want me to give

It will be worth the wait

Worth the wait

It will be worth the wait..."

I LOVE YOU Mike♥

LOSING

Election is not just about who wins. It’s also about losing. Looking at the widespread gap between Noynoy and Erap, I know it’s a landslide victory for Noy and his supporters. Honestly, I’ve seen it coming. But it never once crossed my mind casting my vote on him so that Villar wont win the election. I personally think it was pathetic and foolish. I was never convinced by this man knowing the fact that I never heard of his name on the issue of corruption, but I’d rather choose GORDON over NOY. I cant seem to forgive myself voting an idiot whose not even smart enough to carry on a presidential debate to lead the highest position of the government in this country. Im a die hard supporter of G1BO from the very start because I believe in his capacity, integrity and ability to be a firm leader in this country. I didnt know him at first but his gesture and his positive way of campaigning made me stop facebooking the hell out of me and found myself researching more about him... And i know He is the best man for the job, NOT a retard who run just because his parents are known to be heroes in the past!!!

But enough of that, election was over. With a painful 3million votes for G1BO all over the country that one Noy supporter might laugh. Thing is, I know G1BO did not lose the fight because he won the hearts of the youth long before May 10 and Noy cant ever do such. G1BO was successful in this journey because he showed something new in PHILIPPINE POLITICS, he modelled being an excellent student during his academic years, he displayed humility and professionalism during his campaign, and I know he inspired the youth so much in a lot of ways. (The comments on his FB page is overwhelming!) We were defeated by numbers but I was thinking that by not voting wisely, we Filipinos are putting our future at stake. With uneducated people outnumbering the professionals, the popular candidate will surely win even when he is rubbish and downright incompetent. Though, I don’t like even an inch of the newly elected-president, I need to respect the majority’s decision but of course not forgetting that there's still a big piece of 60% who did not vote for him. Knowing the fact that majority of Filipinos are living below poverty line, its given that most of them don’t have the resources to research and im sure just like many of us, they might be busy with some other things not giving a damn to be "critical thinkers" even just for once. I definitely agree with G1BO that there is a POVERTY of the MIND in the Philippines!

wonderful morning!

i woke up with Hershey today. She is so sweet :D:D

its a monday and i think i really need to look for a job and get it on with life... i just dont know where to go. haha im so undecided but i know there are alot of people whose feeling the same way. i want to take the road less traveled. wee..

for the mean time, im getting busy with alot of things. first, i wanted to know and read facts about wut the hell is goin on with Noynoy because im so annoyed by him big time. lol

second, im making mango float later to keep me afloat

and third, work on with my requirements for the LET.

May God Bless me and my tender heart always ♥♥

==================================

Yesterday, my family supported G1BO Teodoro for president. He is the most eligible candidate for presidency. My faith in him is unwaivering and will try to advocate more people by propagating facts in my FB page. I heard his interviews, debates, reforms and plans of the country during his clean campaign and i know he has the heart to sincerely help our country. I hope the Filipino people would be wise and vote for him instead of voting NOYNOY AQUINO!!

Dear Blog,

As usual, I already make it a habit to wake up so early and lead Hershey outside to play. The sight of her being really happy, jumping for joy makes my heart smile even though Champy ignores her presence. haha. its very funny though how dogs have unique attitudes. Sometimes, i feel sorry for Champy and im a bit regretful why we never gave him the attention before. Anyway, he is still loyal to us and i rub his belly more often now. He is such a sweet dog like Hershey :)

mumbles

I sleep the day away with Hershey. She is actually a good buddy for a sleepyhead like me. She loves to sleep!!!

I admire all the presidential candidates. It takes alot of courage and standing up to do especially in Philippine Politics (the independents).

I still go for G1BO and my trust is unwavering.

waaahh

i hate doing things that i dont want to do but i feel like i dont have a choice. i dont want to let micth down but i am not prepared to apply in JP Morgan. I still enjoyed here at home. but i just cant say NO to her. So lesson learned, im so bad at saying NO, i should learn to practice it.. tsk tsk

my first saddest bloG!

my first saddest bloG!

The fact that I can’t do anything added the credence of this heavy feeling. Im just watching everything happen. Then it dawned me that it’s really the way it is. Who am I? I am nothing compared to God. I am nothing.

He is miles away from me. I know he needed me there at his side… but I just can’t be. Even though it would mean this would be the first and the last. He is fighting for his life, while im here pretending that everything is fine. Pretending to smile, pretending to be the old jolly Jorge they knew. I am fighting back the tears that involuntarily well down my eyes. Everything around me is screwed up. I am not certain how can I be of help. I don’t know what to do with all these. Maybe because I have loved him from the diminutive chance God has given us. The chance I wanted for the second time around… the chance I wanted so badly.

This is what I call the “time thief” chapter of my life. They said, time is something to be treasured; it’s the only thing that can’t be turn back. Now, that added my wretchedness. Time is indeed a treasure for me. I treated time as my friend because it’s the benchmark of my love for him. Time for me is waiting. I used to wait for him in days, days that turned into weeks. Weeks to months. Months to years. Until I found out that he’s on the edge of his life, I wonder if this would be my price to pay for waiting for him patiently. Personally, time is of a great essence to me. In fact, my favorite part of the bible is all about time. That everything has its own time. He inspired me to wait.. He inspired me to be patient because he’s got a ticket of time to fulfill his promises to me. When I found out he is sick, I turned for my favorite verse in the bible for refuge. I keep on seeking answers from it, but I just can’t find one. But, even though answers to my questions seemed to be so vague than ever, I never gave up hope. I never gave up from believing that this is just an obstacle. . I never hated time for this, Coz im willing to wait forever, as long as he’ll meet me there. Sure I can tolerate the degree of pain only if he’ll promise me to stop the time for us and spend the moment with me forever.

When I found out he only had 24 hours to live, my world seem to drift. I looked at the things around me… speechless, and at a nanosecond, everything dropped its sagacity to me. I wanna stopped the time. It can’t be happening, how can I prove to him that he means the world to me in 24 hours when he is on the other side of the world? How can time be so selfish to me after all the years of waiting and holding on to him? They can’t break me that kind of news! They cant! They just cant… As much as I wanted to blame God on this, I cant because our life isn’t ours in the first place. It’s God’s property. We would never know God’s plan for us. It opened up a world of Hope to me. I hugged a world of hopes coz it’s the only thing that’s left to me. I know he’ll not leave me. Not this time… I may be frightened to death but I know God is there for me. I ask God for miracles, and for the first time of my life, I felt God in me. He made it through. I was euphoric at that time and I just can’t thank God enough. Several days went, my faith was tested again… when his friend break me another news that he needs a critical surgery. And he only got 25% chance of survival at the process alone. Time knocks on my doorstep again. Then I doubt if time was there to visit me as my friend or foe. How can time get so stingy? I prayed more, I lay all my faith to God, I meditated. He’s not leaving me behind. He knows I’d be miserable if he will. Myriad emotions are all on me. It’s like it’s so heavy that I wanna break down. But I gotta be strong because he told me to be strong for him.

Now, the surgery is done. He’s in coma. The state where doctors never expected him to be in. healing is something by faith. Living is something by heart. I know if he wants to survive and fight, he will… I just hope God would see that.

I always say we exist because of the people and the dreams we love. I still believe in it coz that’s what he is fighting right now…

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up. I just have to believe…

difference

conflicts are everywhere. i always get into a fight with my boyfriend because there are things we don't agree upon. Most of the time, it exhaust the hell out if me. It frustrates me because I feel like he is not getting somewhere near my point. they always say there are two sides of every story. As a literature student, i agree so. The story will depend on the speaker's point of view. I think we always fall short to that fact. there are times that we take time to hear the other side but we dont really listen. We still go for our perception... and I am always on that position when getting into a fight with mike. in relationships, there will always be one who will need to give in. and because i love him so much, i think im always the one who gives in and apologized to him. When i think about it, i feel like im a fool for always being sorry about everything. Not because he is always right but because i dont want us to stay mad at each other... and im happy because i never thought i could swallow my pride like that. The wonders of love....

there are rare moments too when he's the one to say sorry to me. its so sweet and he knows i always believe in whatever he say. i love the sporadic sweetness he sometimes made me feel.

the most important thing when in a relationship is the the ability to respect one another. and i know i need to work on that real hard since were very different, but i'l definitely stretch my patience and understanding just as to avoid conflicts... there are really just times that i cant hold back my temper and i really need to raise my point..ohh geezz here i am again. lolz

anyway, this is for him:

I'll watch the night turn light blue.but it's not the same without you because it takes two to whisper quietly.the silence isn't so bad till I look at my hands and feel sad 'cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly

champy kept on ignoring hershey

this was yesterday when I decided to let Hershey play with Kuya Champy...

my l♥ve

diaries

(i dont know why i cant drag the pic down at the bottom).

But anyway, when ur in high school, ur a freak by writing down a boy's name in bold letters. *jesus. lol

...are like wines.

They get better once you discover them in one of your boxes. Lying there torn and old (with entries of course). I was so entertained going down memory lane yesterday when i decided to clean up. I found a diary i made when i was in high school. So I really took time reading it and it wowed me big time. hahaha

Geez, most of the things I wrote at that time seemed to be so pathetic to me right now. But hey, that's high school. It talked so much about friendship and crushes. Damn, its soo ewwish. ahahahaha. In totality though, it reminds me of the movie i watched with Mitch the other day. The Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Mitch said we can hardly relate since we dont have middle school and the culture is different as well. I agree with Mitch but the real essence of the transition is not really those but the fact that every kid must have struggled on that certain point of their lives. Struggles finding their identity and of course the struggle to choose where they should belong.

Putting the feelings to paper helped alot. Its a way of coping up and keeping up with your feelings too. And im more than greatful to keep one with me. I might not be able to feel exactly what i felt in the past but i have my diary to help me figure what kind of person was i in the past and connect it to my present. Its like being on a time machine... the wonders of a diary...