Every Failed Relationship is a Failure in Your Part

Whatever the hell his reasons are, I see myself as a failure. Getting into a relationship with someone in their 30's is kinda tricky. This is mostly the age (idk whomever's chart formulated it) when someone would ideally settle down. Settling down may mean having a stable job, feeding your savings more, actually fulfilling your dreams, and may also mean getting yourself a lifetime partner. It may not be "getting" but most of the times "looking" for a perfect lifetime partner. I am on my mid twenties and I am in a "fun" but "pressured" state. Fun because its in my DNA to look and have fun and pressured in a way that I need to have a contingency plan in leading my life. Oh boy, why do we have to count life by age!

I consider myself a failure because I may not have done my best to be a good girlfriend. I consider myself a failure because I am stubborn and not so giving and forgiving to my partner. I consider myself as a failure because I let myself dive into a deeper trench instead of just staying in a shallow water. I consider myself a failure because I became too dependent. I consider myself a failure simply because I was not good enough.

The Libra In Me.
Now despite of these plights (all for the sake of love) I know that there's no way to go but be apart from each other. I knew it was all coming. I saw it. But when I finally heard it from him, through his mouth-- it sealed everything. Irrevocable. Its bound to happen. I have to deal with this shit sooner or later. No U-Turn no Detours. I dont want him to change his plans, I dont want him to be pressured, I dont want him to say the things I wanna hear. I dont want him to make me feel better. I do want him to chase his dreams. I just want him gone because I want him to fulfill his goals without wasting any more time. I will be happy by then. Not now for sure. This is the most sensible thing to do. And i will come meet the day that I will be happy for him and I will be happy for myself. For choosing to let go and for choosing to admit that I not only failed myself in a relationship once but twice. Who knows, thrice?

I'll still love when I'm better but there's more loving needed for myself before anybody else. Maybe next time, I'll be the right one. :)

The Thirst to Learn and Be More

I might have just learned something really big that would certainly hurt me big time. And you know what that is. Familiar with the big L word? Yeah, you hit it right. And if my clue isn't enough, you would probably get the pattern that after so many years, I just had the time NOW to reopen and revisit my blog. Remember those days when I often visit my blog? Yes, those were the times I felt like shit and my fingers wont stop pounding my keyboard and it is friggin happening now.

But, there is something in hurting that is beautiful. It is maybe the fact that when you're hurt, you go back to your home which is yourself. You curl up in a ball licking your wounds and voila! You start thinking of beautiful things. Things that are just mean to enjoy by yourself. It's kinda liberating.

Now that I am hurting and well aware of my age (sounds like an odd pair) hurting doesnt mean the usual hurting anymore. It seems like something evokes from within and you feel somehow  (a little bit) good. It seems like you're about to unlatch a new version of you. And now, for some odd reasons I want to  experience more, learn more, travel more, laugh more, and listen more.  And I guess that's what I would like to see myself this year. I want to crash out more items off of my not so bucket list and I want to live life a little happier. I want to be confident again even when I am on my own. And I am positive that I can be whatever I want to be as long as I mix the right amount of attitude needed for a good recipe of life (after being burned).

ahhh Life!