breakdown

i didnt know what happened last night but i felt like the world was closing in on me. I cannot move, i was too scared, my heart was pounding and my mind cant stop about thinking of bad things. I felt so alone for the very first time, and for the very first time, I wasnt scared to admit it to my sister. Im glad that my parents we're there to pick me up and I had to go home because I cant stand being alone at my boarding house. I just wanted someone to be there for me. I can't sleep and I was awake for 24 hrs. I felt so bad and I had to skip work and worst, I didnt call because I cant find a better excuse.

Please God, have mercy on me. I wanted to be a better person but I can't be weak like this.

dear mike

i know ur no longer mine. would like u to know that without u its been so hard. i cant sleep for days now thinking about us, i've been sacred, miserable and sometimes i just wanna die because even when i tell myself to be strong, u still haunt me every second of the day. I know this time, im losing you forever. i will continue to love u until nothing's left. i hope one day everything will be a little clearer.. better.

september stinks

everything stinks. i lost mike forever this day.

hate u mum

i got two days off work and as usual, i'd spent the first day alone at my own place. I didnt go home because i wanted to spend my day without having to think of anything or without flickering any remorse feeling to my mom for even just a day. I gotta admit, i've been too hard to myself and i've been too hard to my mom. I just felt so sad because I know my family is breaking apart. I used to hate it when my mom would spank us but life was simple back then. She was a terror but I knew my dad was in love with her, so i didnt mind her being hard on us. But now, its kind of different. She turned into something that i cant fathom. I wish God will forgive me for feeling this way, at the same time, i wish I could tell my mom how i hate her and why i hate her so much. I'd rather see her leave us than stay at home and not care at all. In my eyes we are someones whom she is done with. Her role as a as a mom expired way back when she abandoned us years ago. It's kind of weird how I used to pray to God to keep our family as a whole but now that i've grown up, I am left with no reasons to believe. I guess we're all better off without her, and Im praying to God that I hope she would just leave. She is one of a kind and she is very special in some bizarre ways... too bizarre that i cant even put them into words. All i know is that we are not friends, we never were. And i feel sorry for myself because I got a physical mom but i feel like i got no one to lean on to, to confide with and to be friends with. And i know, it is something in my lifetime that will remain to be always and always missing. I probably won't ever experience it any longer. I know that we can't change her any longer because that is who she is and that's how life made her to be. I just wanna stay away from her, think she doesnt exist and pray that I would have a heart of stone so that I dont need to get hurt all over again. I hate her and it hurts. that's all i know.