i had to lie

i wanted to spend time with him soo much. i waited for him for hours to go online coz he emailed me that he is coming home. Well i understand that part that he cant just leave his aunt's place just like that. of course, they are his family and im happy for him. What i do not understand is that why he told me he is coming home when he was not. I waited for hours hoping we can talk but I had to lie to him that im sleepy because i dont want him using his fone because he is goin to pay for it. Its not working. I want to end this. I love him so much that it hurts. i love him so much that every time i feel and think about or situatuon, it feels like im dying inside. i wish i have the strenght to leave him. it wont work out...

THE CLASSIC

So it's my rest day and i spent my first RD wtith Bing. We went to Mango and it was all unplanned. I got out of the house at 2am because im very frustrated i cannot use the comp. Someday, i will be happy and i dont have to long for someone anymore. Anyway Bing told me to watch this movie called The Classic.

Im poor with judgements. I just can't believe that once again, i found another korean movie that took my breath away. It was so nice. I dont know, i think it is very asian because there's so much tragic in it yet, i find it very appealing and memorable... it makes me cry :(

mastering the art of aloneness

Some people enjoy being by themselves, some people have to work at it. Mastering the art of aloneness offers many personal rewards. Mastering aloneness requires some self-reliance, so that you can take care of yourself, including being able to entertain yourself with any one of many interests. There are different types of aloneness. Alone by choice vs. Alone- no choice.

Choosing to be alone and liking it is very different from having to adjust to circumstances in which we must be alone.
Whether we seek to be alone or find ourselves alone, there are some ways to work toward seeing aloneness as an art and then mastering that art.

1. You will need some solitary pursuits: things that are 1-player, so to speak. Reading, listening to music, writing, crafts and hobbies are all broad categories that can be explored individually.

2. Can you treat yourself to something special? If you have relied on other people to do special things for you, maybe it is time that you do something special for yourself. That will expand your concept of self and will help you enjoy being you because special things can still happen, without waiting for other people to treat us to something good.

3. Enjoying aloneness means you can talk to yourself. Talking to yourself doesn't mean talking out loud for other people to hear you and wonder about you. Here it means that you can process experiences by describing things in your mind as if you are going to tell someone all about wha t your heard or saw. You may never actually tell someone all about your museum visit, for example, but you are processing the experience, what you liked, what you didn't and summarizing the visit, not to tell someone later, but to be engaged with what you are doing.

4. Mastering aloneness means mastering quiet, feeling comfortable, and not feeling self-conscious in any way. You will need to accept and truly believe that there is nothing wrong with being alone. In fact, you will need to see that there is so much to do on your own that you actually look forward to your next chance to have time to yourself.

5. Mastering the art of aloneness means you can compliment yourself, you can calm yourself down, you can develop your interests and explore new things without fear or discomfort. Depending on how many things you have done on your own, branch out by trying something alone that you have never done alone before: going to a movie, eating in a restaurant, visiting an art museum, or walking in to a social event without someone at your side.

After you have had time to be by yourself, at home, or out and about, you can overcome fears and misgivings you may have had being alone. Mastering the art of aloneness isn't a complete change of lifestyle. It doesn't mean giving up time with friends and family. It simply means being comfortable and non-judgmental toward yourself, and getting to know more about yourself without fear or embarrassment. Spending time alone may be a condition you actually enjoy the more comfortable you can be with your own company.

from: http://www.istorya.net/forums/relationships/216075-mastering-the-art-of-aloneness.html

my sunday

i admit im lonely. im longing. im crying. i shouldnt feel this way because this is suppose to be a great sunday for me.

i woke up very early today. Because of poor architecture, (or should i say no architecture at all), this house is not an abode for rainy seasons. The subdivision's drainage sucks and it floods. Worst rain waters starts getting inside the house. We need to mop the floors, make use of the pails for rain drops in the kitchen and in my room. It sucks really.

But even though it sucks, i felt the need to get all the work done the whole time it was raining. I have to mop and drain the waters inside. Its worst. And i got back pains..

I love rainy sundays, but this isnt my idea of a rainy sunday... :I

tears... tears...

so around 9, i went online to see if my boyfriend is around. And im happy to see him online. its always my initial feeling having to see him on my messenger. Im very much eager to tell him everything.. bout my experiences, my feelings, my sunny side, my fears, my opinions. I know im talking with someone whom i needed the most. but, in the middle of our conversation, we just argue, he doesnt want to talk to me. he doesnt want to trust me. And i felt bad. Really bad that i have to hold back my tears because i cant let them see me crying. Because im not that person who cries. Because im the person who is strong and independent. because im the only person who can strongly convince myself that i dont need someone.. but yet, i kept on hurting because in reality, its not true. In reality, im longing for mike and it hurts because every day is getting farther away from any point of possibilities that we can be together. And im scared. Im so scared. Everyday, he always finds a reason to hate me. to not care for me...

I decided to hang out with one of my closest friend in college. We went to the mall and unfortunately, there are no atms. That means i dont have money. Its frustrating because i was suppose to treat her. I just needed a break. Im so happy having to see Bing again. It has been months and its good to be with someone who knows the real you. Someone, whom you can laugh with and be stupid with. Its a relief having to forget a bit of your pain when you're with a true friend. We had a late lunch at Shakeys and she told me about her guy friends and a guy stalker whom she loathe big time. Wow thats pretty something. Having gone to law school sounds cool and stimulating. I wish nothing but the best for Bing.

We watched the movie GI Joe. We made fun of the movie until the guy at the back was pissed. Damn the hell we care. We're both a big fan of Chaning Tatum but it turns out that Bing liked the "orgen" guy more after the movie. lol

I think the movie effects were too much and we all know that too much is bad. So i dont quite like the movie. They happen to tangle up what's real and what's not.. making the movie inconsistent and unparallel. One thing I love about it though is the part where the girl's emotion and feelings over Chaning prevailed despite of being changed through some scientific shit. Isnt that romantic??

there are alot of things that i didnt understand on the movie and Bing thinks its funny. LOL

We went painting! i so enjoyed it! recreational activities!! I wish one of us bought a cam to capture our little reunion though i fail to see Lyn today. She doesnt want to go to the mall and since i wasnt able to get money, I cant meet her up. Im sure Lyn's very excited to catch up with things especially that her new boyfriend was my former crush when i was in first year college! haha. im so excited for them..

So yeah. its past 12 midnight and i ended the day having a fight with mike. Well its so tiring. im so emotionally stress out. I wanted to be honest to him but i know he doesnt want to hear out my sentiments. its too bad. I think were not goin anywhere. I hope im not masochist enough to permit myself from hurting again and again...

i get fed up and strained emotionally. And there's nothing i would like but be strong for myself in this trial. Being a part of him is not easy and i know its not easy on his part too. we are both hurting and angry... i wish i can just let him go so that he wouldnt have to worry too much about me. I dont want him to feel obliged to be always there for me. I know i've been too much and i know im too bad for not showing him how much i appreciate his best efforts just to be there for me. if there is someone to blame here, then its me. Its all on me and not on him.

it's me... and for that, i cant forgive myself for too many reasons

God, please don't let me lose hope. I dont want to lose myself in this. I pray that we both find our peace and contentment with our without each other.

hello!

1.What is the age difference between you and your youngest sibling?
- 10 years i guess

2. Do you believe that there is always room in your heart for your first true love?
- my first true love is mike. he occupies all the room in my heart

3. Do you think your last ex deserves to die?
- we all deserve to die. depends when.. i dont know.

4. Why did you hug the last person you hugged?
- i forgot who i hugged

5. have unlimited texting?
- yeah its plan man gud. hehe

6. What is the song n ur mind and why?
- insomia... ahh haa ahhh..

7. Where will you be tom0rrow?
- at work for sure

8. Who are you calling?
- the hotel!

9. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
- of course. we never ran out of reasons.. so yeah

10. Are you mean?
- unintended..

11. Who do you trust the most in your life?
- God.

12. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
- Yes. Mike

13. Would you change your name?
- I love it, so NO

14. What is your zodiac sign?
- LIBRA

15. If the person who hurt you the most in your life apologized and told you they love you, what would you do?
- i probably love the person who at the same time hurts me the most. i accept apologies :)

16. Last time you had a yummy chocolate?
- some weeks ago

17. Do you feel like you're a good person?
- sometimes. lol

18. What good thing are you thinking right now?
- my rest day is a good thing to me

19. Do you like to have long hair or short hair? Why?
- average lang. hehe

20. What haircut on the opposite sex?
- clean lookin

21. Do you like french fries?
- yeah they're good

22. When is the next time you're going away?
- i dont know yet

23. When is your birthday?
- october 18, 1988. love my bday!hehe

24. Do you like to work with little kids?
- i super love it! i wish i can!!

27. What do you miss most about your past?
- being LAX at school with friends

28. Which ex do you miss?
- none

29. Are you going to search for a new girl/boyfriend now?
- why would i?

30. What's the last thing you ate?
- alot at Jacobo's with team mates

31. When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave u a hug?and who?
- prolly my bro

32. What do you carry with you at all times?
- money and fone

33. How does it feel when you see someone you love happy with somebody else?
- sickening!!

sorry :(

i wanted to ask for forgiveness to mike. i know i've never been good and i dont deserve him that much since i have a bad attitude... i dont know..

from mike’s blog

My Jorge

This time I had a new ways of getting a girl in a relationship. She may be far from me but didn’t matter. The girl was Filipino and I started to like her thouhghout my adventure of gangbanging. I never told her about my gangster life because she might change her mind about me and I don’t wanna lose her. Maybe in the future I will let her know about it. In that way, the more she knows me, the more she will understand how ive been thru shit in life. We always talked about school, share ideas, friends, and most of all the differences between our culture. I was amzed by their culture and she told me about Philippines. This girl is making accpeted and it made me get interested the good ways in life. She talks about religion and I never understand about good stuff in the bible. I learned that from her. We’ve been talking for the longest time time and shes the only person who i spent time longer than any other girl. I started to have feelings for her. I fall with this girl. But I coudnt tell her how i feel. Because she may see me only a friend and not beyond that. I’m brave when it comes to shooting and beating rival gangs senseless but I’m a coward pussycat when it comes to admitting how I feel about her.

change

December 18, 2007 · No Comments

The relationship between Jorge and me grow well. My life began to revolvev around that girl. I stopped going with my homeboys during the week. I only went to mandatory meetings and when I couldn’t spend time with her. I used school -work as my excuse for not hanging out with them. I avoided Ewelina and her pregnancy. None that I care about them. I didn’t want to do anything that would jeopardize my relationship with my girl. I felt like I was loved and I felt I had to be faithful. She always made me feel special. One time, I had to stay longer with Jorge because I wanted to spend time with her. That was when my brothers needed me. I used school work for an excuse. I knew I would have to get beat the shit out of me from them when I got out, but Jorge was worth it. She always tell me how much she love me. It felt so good, so wanted. I was in love.

The medias romance with the gangbangers. They were picked up by gang crimes unit detectives and taken to the Oprha Winfrey show, where they were to be guests. The subject of that particular show was gang banging. One of the kings were bragging about their gang affiliation and criminal involvement. Our brothers were not pleased of what they were bragging on the show. The next day, one of our brothers open fire at the house of the other kings who were at the show. All I heard was they moved to a different city to get away from shooting.

After graduating High school, I got a decent job and still keeping in touch with my girl for about 1 year and a half. I still hadn’t told her about my gang life. Been telling her all my exact activities with my friends except the bad ones. From drink binging, I was alcohol poisoned at some party as a result, I damamged my liver and was in coma for a week at the hospital. Luckily, I survived and decided to fix my life again.I Decided to take my crown out as a king. I never touched drugs. Never touched a gun and drink. My life was at a turning point. It was time to be a man.

In memory of former President Cory Aquino:

This poem was written by Sen. Ninoy Aquino at Fort Santiago on October 11, 1973 for their 19th wedding anniversary.

I first came across this poem when my student (in my other FB account) tagged me in a note containing the whole poem. I skimmed over it first, thinking that I would be able to find more of it in other places on the internet. When I remembered about it mainly because of Jose Mari Chan's song, I went online, but to my dismay, I found only the lyrics to the song and not to the original poem. I then went back to my second FB account and tracked down the note from my student. I then read it as a whole this time, and the feelings that had been born from listening to the Jose Mari Chan version overwhelmed and overpowered me.

As a self-proclaimed abysmal poet, essayist and a person who has done nothing but to love, I find the poem as a perfect example of what love is. True, as what Paulo Coelho said, love indeed does not hinder a man from pursuing his Personal Legend. Ninoy Aquino knew his calling lies in the people he yearned to serve, and he did just that without ever abandoning nor denying his love for the one woman he loved the most. This is a perfect tribute to a woman who was a manifestation of what love should be - patient, kind, humble, and most of all, true.

Rest in peace, Tita Cory. Though I have been politically-apathetic all my life because of the fact that I was not raised to be fully aware of politics, I acknowledge the role you have played in our lives. I acknowledge your biggest contribution to our country. And most of all, I salute you for being the empowered woman we Filipinas should be.

Let this be a lesson to those who aspire to be leaders in their own simple way, and to those who want nothing but to support those whom they love without having to venture into complicated things. Let this be a lesson to both men and women alike; young and old; apathetic or empowered. Let this be a lesson to love despite who and what the loved one is; and let us bear in mind that only our hearts can dictate to us how much love we can give to others and to ourselves; and that by loving, we are fulfilling our own Personal Legend.

I join in the mourning of the Filipinos here and across the world. Pardon my pathetic words and my lack of expression, but rest assured I love you as much as the rest of them do. You are not my biological mother, but I found myself crying buckets and buckets for hours on end. You have been a epitome of service and passion, and I wish we would be like you.

from: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/note.php?note_id=114379958513&ref=nf


I Have Fallen In Love With The Same Woman Three Times
by Senator Ninoy Aquino

I have fallen in love
With the same woman three times
In a day spanning nineteen years
Of tearful joys and joyful tears
I loved her first when she was young
Enchanting, brilliant, middle-strung
Vibrant, fragrant, eternally new
Cool, invigorating as the morning dew.
Desperate, she shared, quieted my despairs
Hopeful, she fanned the fires of my hopes
Lavished me with days of bliss and peace,
Endless, perpetual days of fond memories.
She is my hope; I do not wish to realize
Hence my hope; forever green, eternal prize
My life transcending life, my ultimate quest
Dream of my life for whom I’ll spare no rest.


I fell in love again
With the same woman the second time
When first she bore her child and mine
The first fruit of our union and our love.
The pains and anguish of motherhood she braved
Loved her children, their love she deservedly craved
Times were she hung on the very brink of death,
Unflinchingly fulfilling her mission to procreate.
In politics I plunged, she was always by my side,
Steadfast, uncomplaining, helping to turn the tide,
Amidst hardship, her rare courage would not relent
She was my secret weapon, the source of my strength.
The world was my concern, our home her domain,
The people mine, the children hers to maintain,
So it was in those eighteen years and a day
Till I was detained, forced in prison to stay.


Suddenly she became our sole support
Wellspring of hope, source of comfort
On her shoulders fell the burden of life
She emerged our captain in the sea of strife.


I fell in love again
With the same woman the third time
Looming from the battle, undaunted, unafraid,
Calm composed, she is God’s lovely maid.
It has been a year of many disappointments
Endless dark nights, long days of sad lament,
Of grave doubts, frustrations, bitter desolations,
Of privations, untold indignities, humiliations.


Dreams became nightmares; hopes, despair.
Rally to freedoms call, no one will dare.
Future is obscured, life has lost its meaning,
The tunnel is long, were only at the beginning.


Leaders I admired, whose advice I sought
Became fallen idols, their souls were bought,
Their conscience they bartered for soft convenience,
Due to despicable cowardice, theyve lost their patience.


Leaders became dealers, begging for part of the spoils,
Forgetting the value, the essence of the hottest toil,
Paralyzed be fear, they joined the amoral dictator,
Defending, waving the bloody flag of the new oppressor.


The pillars of society became the props of tyranny,
Be realistic, they urged, if not for safety, for money.
It is useless to resist, the tyrant is too strong,
Yet aware, with their help the tyranny will prolong.


Mother Pilipinas weeps, her noble sons are gone,
Her land of the morning, is now of the setting sun,
Back to her dungeon in chains shes been returned;
For all her sacrifices, this is what she earned.


The night is cold and dark, there are no stars,
Our prisons are full, our souls wrinkled with scars,
Afflicted, persecuted, struck down but not crushed,
How soon will this blight be erased by Allahs brush?


My only escape is to cling to the woman of my dreams
Who gave me a life full of love, a love full of life,
She is my urge to live, my sole motivation to survive,
She taught me not only to dream, but to make dreams alive.


Fight on! She says: Let not the guiltless ghost depart.
Your pains, our people know are caused by a thousand darts,
But be assuaged, remember the Filipino, his story, his past,
Soon, very soon, the tyrant will choke in his greedy power lust!


NINOY'S LETTER FOR CORY

My Dearest Cory,

In a few hours I shall be embarking on an uncertain fate, which may well be the end of a long struggle. I slept well last night for the first time since I left Boston — maybe because I’m just plain tired or I’m really at peace with myself. I want to tell you many things but time is running out and I do not have any machine. After a few more paragraphs, my penmanship will be illegible.

All the things I want to tell you may be capsulized in one line - - I love you! You’ve stood by me in my most trying moments and there were times I was very hard on you. But if anyone will ever understand me, it is you, and I know you will always find it in your heart to forgive — and unfair and ironic as it is — it is because of this thought and belief that I often took you for granted.

Early on I knew I was not meant to make money — so I won’t be able to leave anything to the children. I did what I thought I could do best, which is public service, and I hope our people in time will appreciate my sacrifices. This would be my legacy to the children. I may not bequeath them material wealth but I leave them a tradition which can be priceless.

I realize I’ve been very stingy with praise and appreciation for all your efforts — but though unsaid — you know that as far I’m concerned, you are the best. That’s why we’ve lasted this long. There will only be one thing in the world I will never accept — that you love me more than I love you — because my love for you though unarticulated will never be equaled.

If all goes well I should be back in my cell before sundown. Should I be detained do not rush to get home. Take your time and enjoy a side trip to Europe with the girls.

I’ll try to call you tonight if the authorities will allow me. Otherwise just remember me in your dreams.

Love,
Ninoy

P.S. I offered a special rosary for Papa and I asked for his intercession. You know he never failed me. (Ninoy here is referring to Cory’s father, Jose Cojuangco, who died on August 21, 1976)

A LOVE CLOSER TO PERFECTION....

REST IN PEACE!

for President Maria Corazon Cojuangco Aquino
January 25, 1933 - August 1, 2009

WAITING

Waiting and hoping are the whole of life, and as soon as a dream is realized it is destroyed.
Author: Gian Carlo Menotti

It is strange... that the years teach us patience; that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting.
Author: Elizabeth Taylor

People count up the faults of those who keep them waiting.
Author: French Proverb


"Love is never tired of waiting."1 Corinthians 13:4

survey time!

1. Who was your last text from?

--- SUN - mark; something about cum and mayonaise. haha

.

2. Where was your default pic taken?

--- in blogspot? its at IT park Lahug Cebu city one sunday morning

.

3. Your relationship status?

--- its complicated :( i miss mike so much and i regret all the things i done to him

.

4. Have you ever lost a close friend?

--- yeah :(

.

5. What is your current mood?

--- sleepy, anxious, worried...

.

6. What's your brothers' name?

--- jorge michael and emmanuel

.

7. What's your favorite color(s)?

--- green

.

8. Where do you wish you were right now?

--- illinois

.

9. Have a crazy side?

--- i sure do

.

10. Ever had a near death experience?

--- i think so

.

11. Something you do a lot?

--- taking calls, riding jeep, chatting with mike

.

12. Angry at anyone? who's dat person?

--- im angry at myself. lol

.

13. What's stopping you from going for the person you like?

--- money..

.

14. When was the last time you cried?

--- yesterday. was crying myself to sleep

.

15. Is there anyone you would do anything for?

--- selected family members. haha

.

16. Which do you prefer. the one you love or the one who loves you?

--- the one i love!!

.

17. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

--- alot really. my customers

.

18. What are your favorite songs?

--- as of the moment, that would be ALMOST by tamia. i can relate

.

19. What are you doing right now?

--- HOPING

.

20. Who do you trust right now?

--- GOD

.

21. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?

--- tiangge

.

22. Have you kissed someone in the past week?

--- romantically? nope

.

23. What is your lucky number?

---9 and 18

.

24. Who are your friends that are closest to you?

--- eyatches and childhood friends

.

25. Describe your life in one word?

--- boring

.

26. Have you ever kissed in the rain?

--- not yet

.

27. Who are you thinking of right now?

--- mike of course

.

28. What should you be doing right now?

--- sleeping

.

29. If you could wish for something over a birthday cake right now what would it be?

--- money and plane tickets

.

30. What are you listening to right now?

--- none

.

31. Who was the last person who gave you a hug?

--- none, i need it :(

.

32. Who was the last person who yelled at you?

--- not really yell but it did hurt me.. my supervisor

.

33. Do you act differently around the person you like?

--- i dont think so

.

34. What is your natural hair color?

---black

.

35. Who was the last person to make you laugh?

--- elijah AKA mark! haha

Gospel; August 2, 2009

Gospel
Jn 6:24-35

When the crowd saw that neither Jesus nor his disciples were there,
they themselves got into boats
and came to Capernaum looking for Jesus.
And when they found him across the sea they said to him,
“Rabbi, when did you get here?”
Jesus answered them and said,
“Amen, amen, I say to you,
you are looking for me not because you saw signs
but because you ate the loaves and were filled.
Do not work for food that perishes
but for the food that endures for eternal life,
which the Son of Man will give you.
For on him the Father, God, has set his seal.”
So they said to him,
“What can we do to accomplish the works of God?”
Jesus answered and said to them,
“This is the work of God, that you believe in the one he sent.”
So they said to him,
“What sign can you do, that we may see and believe in you?
What can you do?
Our ancestors ate manna in the desert, as it is written:
He gave them bread from heaven to eat.”
So Jesus said to them,
“Amen, amen, I say to you,
it was not Moses who gave the bread from heaven;
my Father gives you the true bread from heaven.
For the bread of God is that which comes down from heaven
and gives life to the world.”

So they said to him,
“Sir, give us this bread always.”
Jesus said to them,
“I am the bread of life;
whoever comes to me will never hunger,
and whoever believes in me will never thirst.”

* I am sorry Lord i wasnt able to go to church. I was so tired from work but i know its not a reason for me to miss church. I wanted to come back to You...

almost?

hahayz. i miss mike so much na jud

i dont want to demand his time kay i know naa cia daghan buhaton pud sa ila. but mamatay na kog comfort sa akong self nganu wala cia ni online na restday man unta nya. i dont want to think na wala na jud cia time para nako but thats the cause of my misery na nuon.

mahinayon na jud ni akong theme song na ALMOST! haha. na.. ambot lang jud. been crying over this but i know he is not the right person pud na i shud be honest with... kay he doesnt want me na emotional and stuff like that.

i wish maka move on ko or maka realize ko unsa dapat nakong i realize sa kani akong feelings and situation ni mike.

one thing's for sure, it pains me alot.

imsad

i miss being with mike.