the worst weekend ever

I really felt bad after I got off from work last week, and the next thing I wanna do is just to cry coz my patience was running way down to the pit. It was the first day of my monthly visit and I wasnt able to bring any pads coz i didnt see it coming. (girls girls girls) So i was at work and RED WAR started and of course just like how a mangga and hipon work together, dysmennoreah didnt spare me. I hate the fact that I still have to render overtime and it seems like I dont have the right to decline because its "imperative" and that simple means they dont take NO as an answer. What the hell is so wrong with the company that I am working at. Worst, I got all stained up without a jacket to cover my bloody pants and what made me so crazy that morning was the fact that the ADMIN confiscated my things because I failed to renew my locker and they just rummage at my stuff like that without letting me know. I was so pissed and was soo surprised. I mean what kind of shit is this?! What right do they have to take my PERSONAL things without my consent? Or atleast they should've notified me so that I wont be surprised when i get off from work and wonder where the hell were my stuff! How can i get home without my purse? And what makes it the worst experience ever was that, the ADMIN person was not around and they just told me to be back at 2pm to get my things. I get off work at 9 in the morning. I fuckin live an hour away from my work place and I need to get sleep and im not soooo goin back at 2pm. I cant even ask help to the guards on duty because of the simple fact that they dont care or they dont know what the hell was goin on even though they are the people who were there. But since im so fed up and was stress out from taking calls, i decided to go home without my things. Good thing, I had my wallet with me and had money for a cab. I was sooo much inconvenienced and I cant believe it. Arent they suppose to take care of their AGENTS since these people are the primary reason why their business is runnin? Do they even know what the word CONSIDERATION means?! what right do they have to withheld my personal things like that as if i done such a big crime.

So i dont want to waste my time, and since I cant do anything bout how rotten their system is, im not goin to settle for less. Once is enough and I just hope God will give me a job that i deserve. Im so walking away and tonight i'll be submitting my resignation letter :)

Whose happy for me? :)

TEARS

I know im writing again because of Mike. Sometimes, it makes me hate my self for being who I am when it comes to stuff about him. Most of the time, I write my frustrations just to cope up. I am just so bad at decision making. I mean, who would go this far... THIS FAR.

I met him online about 5 Decembers ago. Just like me, he also have his own battle in life that always makes him decide just to stop talking to me. The thing is, I am so INTO him and it hurts me so much because I know I cant leave him... i cant stand the thought of not talking to him; of not meeting him one day. We've been dreaming alot and now I cant seem to wake up and get back to reality.

Last Christmas, he broke up with me because he doesnt want me to wait for him anymore. He doesnt have the resources to do so. It hit me so hard. You know that feeling when u have all your hopes up and just one day its all gone. I cant seem to understand or its so hard for me to believe I've waited for nothing. I cant say he LIED to me because I understand the situation. Let me repeat, I UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION, i must admit sometimes i dont get HIM because I never had the kind of life that he has.

I know im stupid for begging him to come back. I told him we can just be like this for the longest time. I told him im not goin to wait for him then just to make him stay... and i guess, I love him that much. And i know, from that time on, any failures in our relationship should be blamed all on me. And i know any form of failed expectation whether its BIG or not is self inflicted and Mike doesnt have to do anything about it. It is honestly very hard on my part but I dont have the right to complain because this was all my choice. If im just strong enough to walk away, I'll trade everything just to moved on and not Bullshit Mike anymore. But, you will STAY for the one you love right?

Will I make Mike happy if we just forget each other? I dont want to be the one who will give up on him and I wonder if letting him go would make a big difference and positive impact on him. Like, he would not feel guilty anymore because there's no one waiting for him. Like, he can start fresh and maybe meet someone that can understand him more; someone with the same background; someone whose not clingy like me. In other words, someone I am not.

Maybe I can carry on... I dont know :(

I just want to be the right person for him. I cant seem to picture everything if i shut him out of my life. So its either I'll forever wonder what could've been or forever wait for something that is not likely to happen..

Im so hurt because I always let him feel that I am not the right person who can understand him.

cant cant cant cant cant

i dont know what have i gotten myself to.

i hate myself for loving mike so much.

its so hard because i cant get mad at him, i cant ask anything to him, i cant demand anything to him, i cant be the normal gf, i cant get upset, i dont have the right to intervene.. i dont.. i cant but its all my choice. most of all, i cant blame him. i cant. i blame myself, i pity myself coz i know i love him soo much even though its wrong, even though fate wont let us, i kept on pushing him to stay even if he frankly says he cant...

its soo painful but i know i cant count on him for this because this is all my choice and he's got nothing to do with this even if i badly want him to be with me in this. but it cant be..

the lack of options

its a disease. a state of mind. it best defines me. i cant seem to move from where i am right now. i cant seem to leave mike behind even when he always suggest it to me. Is it because i unconditionally love him or is it more because im afraid i would end up being alone. i cant seem to move my butt and leave ps because im scared of going beyond my comfort zone.. with all the familiarities and shit like that. sometimes im so eager to try out, to be independent and to be the person i always see myself of becoming. But the "lack of option" part is really eating me inside out.

mike always tell me that were not gunna work. And whatever will happen to us in the future, the credits will be all on me. I know from the moment i asked him to stay, its my responsibility if i get hurt. I know i cant blame him for he has been very frank to me since December. I dont want to give up on us because i live for our dreams and its just so sad because i also have a hard time convincing myself now. i know its bleak and we dont have anywhere to go to because i am not that girl. im not :(

back again!

It has been years since Sheena and I see each other. Blame it on her.. she changed majors. LOL. I mean, we did see each other when I was still in college (and when was that?.. like a year ago) and we just exchange our hellos which is quite weird for "best friends"! Oh I dont know but she's my confidante in first year college despite of our vast difference! I pretty miss her and I admit there were times that I felt like I wanna raise my brow to her because she's not talking to me anymore and she's been ignoring me. Well I was kinda hurt but life goes on for both of us. But anyway,.. we decided to catch up yesterday and yeah it was fun! Its so good to be back with her and catching up what's new and laughing over the old times. Geezz, sometimes the past creeps me but oh well, it makes me laugh more thinking bout those days where we use cake foundations on our face so just as to look presentable! I love going down memory lane with Sheena because she's one of the best things that ever happened to me in my college life. Well reason being why we never talked again was she shift majors and yeah I was left (obviously). The act of starting all over again and looking for prospects who could match my hype and the "leaving" part sucks but because God loves me.. He gave me more friends and im just.. THANKFUL! (LYn ,Chena, Bing and my ETOY-L)

But anyway, yesterday was one of the happiest because I get to hang out with these girls again! Its so good to be YOU with these people. I never thought we could ever think of a reunion but u know instead of putting too much thoughts on it, I just wanted to be grateful because I realized FRIENDSHIP never dies.

We decided to be spontaneous (but i still believed Bing had this pre-planned personally!- LOL) and hit the bowling alley. Sporty as I am (toink!) I welcomed the thought warmly but to no avail, i never had a successful strike, but oh well..

We went to IT park and attend to our gastronomic needs. Bing needs to go back to her dorm to get her books (law..law..law..) while Sheena and I went on our way to Shakeys...

my bunch of lunch minus the missing chicken! haha

Sheena had to go but I had a great time with Bing at Hebrews Coffee :). I wished to order Machiatto but for some reason the waiter doesnt seem like OK with my order asking me if I already tried their one shot Machiatto coffee.. weird!! so I ended up sipping Cappucino.. urgh!

I helped Bing take down notes for her midterms next week.. whoah i miss doing home works and beating deadlines and shit like that but Im very thankful as well that im done and over with it!

.....
it was perfect with friends :)


and i laugh like this :D :D

and lastly, whose that gurl playing like a PRO? haha

im soo excited!

the girls are goin out later!! :) pics will be posted soon as part of history

my tears

they are crazy! they fall all the time. gravity!!

im on TOP of.. Cebu!

my hair just covered my whole face for this perfect jump at Tops

my family :)

mumbles

i never had enough sleep and i was wondering i can have all the time in the world when im dead. LOL

I badly wanted to doze off but my mind is restless it wont give me peace of mind, instead tears welled up like hell and i will start feeling shitty. I guess im a fucked up person with a not so fuck up facade. Sometimes i lack reason to live and just wanted to be numb and just be.. gone!

I do wish i can fix things with myself coz im so tired of living in solitude blaming myself for being so unlucky when I know there are alot of things to be grateful about.

im getting crazier and crazier each fuckin day of my fuckin life i am in despair and im helpless!!