Dear Blog,

As usual, I already make it a habit to wake up so early and lead Hershey outside to play. The sight of her being really happy, jumping for joy makes my heart smile even though Champy ignores her presence. haha. its very funny though how dogs have unique attitudes. Sometimes, i feel sorry for Champy and im a bit regretful why we never gave him the attention before. Anyway, he is still loyal to us and i rub his belly more often now. He is such a sweet dog like Hershey :)

mumbles

I sleep the day away with Hershey. She is actually a good buddy for a sleepyhead like me. She loves to sleep!!!

I admire all the presidential candidates. It takes alot of courage and standing up to do especially in Philippine Politics (the independents).

I still go for G1BO and my trust is unwavering.

waaahh

i hate doing things that i dont want to do but i feel like i dont have a choice. i dont want to let micth down but i am not prepared to apply in JP Morgan. I still enjoyed here at home. but i just cant say NO to her. So lesson learned, im so bad at saying NO, i should learn to practice it.. tsk tsk

my first saddest bloG!

my first saddest bloG!

The fact that I can’t do anything added the credence of this heavy feeling. Im just watching everything happen. Then it dawned me that it’s really the way it is. Who am I? I am nothing compared to God. I am nothing.

He is miles away from me. I know he needed me there at his side… but I just can’t be. Even though it would mean this would be the first and the last. He is fighting for his life, while im here pretending that everything is fine. Pretending to smile, pretending to be the old jolly Jorge they knew. I am fighting back the tears that involuntarily well down my eyes. Everything around me is screwed up. I am not certain how can I be of help. I don’t know what to do with all these. Maybe because I have loved him from the diminutive chance God has given us. The chance I wanted for the second time around… the chance I wanted so badly.

This is what I call the “time thief” chapter of my life. They said, time is something to be treasured; it’s the only thing that can’t be turn back. Now, that added my wretchedness. Time is indeed a treasure for me. I treated time as my friend because it’s the benchmark of my love for him. Time for me is waiting. I used to wait for him in days, days that turned into weeks. Weeks to months. Months to years. Until I found out that he’s on the edge of his life, I wonder if this would be my price to pay for waiting for him patiently. Personally, time is of a great essence to me. In fact, my favorite part of the bible is all about time. That everything has its own time. He inspired me to wait.. He inspired me to be patient because he’s got a ticket of time to fulfill his promises to me. When I found out he is sick, I turned for my favorite verse in the bible for refuge. I keep on seeking answers from it, but I just can’t find one. But, even though answers to my questions seemed to be so vague than ever, I never gave up hope. I never gave up from believing that this is just an obstacle. . I never hated time for this, Coz im willing to wait forever, as long as he’ll meet me there. Sure I can tolerate the degree of pain only if he’ll promise me to stop the time for us and spend the moment with me forever.

When I found out he only had 24 hours to live, my world seem to drift. I looked at the things around me… speechless, and at a nanosecond, everything dropped its sagacity to me. I wanna stopped the time. It can’t be happening, how can I prove to him that he means the world to me in 24 hours when he is on the other side of the world? How can time be so selfish to me after all the years of waiting and holding on to him? They can’t break me that kind of news! They cant! They just cant… As much as I wanted to blame God on this, I cant because our life isn’t ours in the first place. It’s God’s property. We would never know God’s plan for us. It opened up a world of Hope to me. I hugged a world of hopes coz it’s the only thing that’s left to me. I know he’ll not leave me. Not this time… I may be frightened to death but I know God is there for me. I ask God for miracles, and for the first time of my life, I felt God in me. He made it through. I was euphoric at that time and I just can’t thank God enough. Several days went, my faith was tested again… when his friend break me another news that he needs a critical surgery. And he only got 25% chance of survival at the process alone. Time knocks on my doorstep again. Then I doubt if time was there to visit me as my friend or foe. How can time get so stingy? I prayed more, I lay all my faith to God, I meditated. He’s not leaving me behind. He knows I’d be miserable if he will. Myriad emotions are all on me. It’s like it’s so heavy that I wanna break down. But I gotta be strong because he told me to be strong for him.

Now, the surgery is done. He’s in coma. The state where doctors never expected him to be in. healing is something by faith. Living is something by heart. I know if he wants to survive and fight, he will… I just hope God would see that.

I always say we exist because of the people and the dreams we love. I still believe in it coz that’s what he is fighting right now…

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up. I just have to believe…

difference

conflicts are everywhere. i always get into a fight with my boyfriend because there are things we don't agree upon. Most of the time, it exhaust the hell out if me. It frustrates me because I feel like he is not getting somewhere near my point. they always say there are two sides of every story. As a literature student, i agree so. The story will depend on the speaker's point of view. I think we always fall short to that fact. there are times that we take time to hear the other side but we dont really listen. We still go for our perception... and I am always on that position when getting into a fight with mike. in relationships, there will always be one who will need to give in. and because i love him so much, i think im always the one who gives in and apologized to him. When i think about it, i feel like im a fool for always being sorry about everything. Not because he is always right but because i dont want us to stay mad at each other... and im happy because i never thought i could swallow my pride like that. The wonders of love....

there are rare moments too when he's the one to say sorry to me. its so sweet and he knows i always believe in whatever he say. i love the sporadic sweetness he sometimes made me feel.

the most important thing when in a relationship is the the ability to respect one another. and i know i need to work on that real hard since were very different, but i'l definitely stretch my patience and understanding just as to avoid conflicts... there are really just times that i cant hold back my temper and i really need to raise my point..ohh geezz here i am again. lolz

anyway, this is for him:

I'll watch the night turn light blue.but it's not the same without you because it takes two to whisper quietly.the silence isn't so bad till I look at my hands and feel sad 'cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly

champy kept on ignoring hershey

this was yesterday when I decided to let Hershey play with Kuya Champy...

my l♥ve

diaries

(i dont know why i cant drag the pic down at the bottom).

But anyway, when ur in high school, ur a freak by writing down a boy's name in bold letters. *jesus. lol

...are like wines.

They get better once you discover them in one of your boxes. Lying there torn and old (with entries of course). I was so entertained going down memory lane yesterday when i decided to clean up. I found a diary i made when i was in high school. So I really took time reading it and it wowed me big time. hahaha

Geez, most of the things I wrote at that time seemed to be so pathetic to me right now. But hey, that's high school. It talked so much about friendship and crushes. Damn, its soo ewwish. ahahahaha. In totality though, it reminds me of the movie i watched with Mitch the other day. The Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Mitch said we can hardly relate since we dont have middle school and the culture is different as well. I agree with Mitch but the real essence of the transition is not really those but the fact that every kid must have struggled on that certain point of their lives. Struggles finding their identity and of course the struggle to choose where they should belong.

Putting the feelings to paper helped alot. Its a way of coping up and keeping up with your feelings too. And im more than greatful to keep one with me. I might not be able to feel exactly what i felt in the past but i have my diary to help me figure what kind of person was i in the past and connect it to my present. Its like being on a time machine... the wonders of a diary...

its all i ask from you

I dont know how to put up with a conversation when all i get from him is "ok". I cant take it anymore. Im not the type of person who'd push myself to someone. If he's not interested, then im not interested too. He didnt know what I have given up just to spend time with him but whenever we talked, i dont feel like talking to him and i know he felt the same way. (that's how i really feel). What irritates me is that im not asking for more yet he cant give me those little things i need from him. Everything started to be boring between us, and maybe im starting to wake up that i may have just love the idea of him or circumstances makes us love the person less. He has been the subject of my every thoughts and he has been the only person in my heart but what can we do, were so restricted to just chatting online. For 4 years topics ran out, talks become so dry and he doesnt understand that i need more assurance than ever because im a girl and because this is a long distance relationship. he always stressed out that he wants a normal relationship. he always wants to treat our relationship normal when in fact, this is never normal to me. I just wanted to be given credits on what ive done for our relationship but im not getting any of those from him. It makes me so tired. He doesnt know that im so fuck up that i dont know what i should do in my life while he is trying to fix his. I know this has been too much when all i need to do is to support his endeavors. I wish its simple as that. but no. its harder.

i ditch my dream to be with him in the future because its too much to ask especially in our situation. so i ditch it. its so hard to wake up everyday with that fact. Its like living a life with no goal at all. its like wasting 3 years of holding on to him and realizing that there can never be more than just talking online. But because of his situation right now, i needed to understand him more than anything else and put my feelings off the table. its hard to hold on but i did it because i love him so much and i have to be honest, he made me happy despite all the hardships of being alone. I have to be alone and i cry alone every night wishing someone will be there to tell me it would be okay.. i may have endured it. Honestly, im so tired now. but who am i to complain. who am i to ask credits from him. this is all a matter of choice. i just wish he has been with me in all this; to tell me to be strong for us, to tell me it would be alright, to tell me it would be fine. instead im always given the cold fact that its my call, that i can do whatever i want. whenever he say that to me, he makes me feel more alone and its the most painful feeling ever having to be slapped with that fact in my face by the only person i love so much. then maybe he is right. im alone in this when all i thought we're a team. it sucks :(

i have hard feelings in my heart but my mind tells me that he might have said those simply because he cant offer me anything. ive been expecting too much but still, it boils down to one thing, im alone in this. i wish i can just forget the pain and thank him for being honest to me. the earlier the better. he never cared about my feelings. he just wants me to just understand and understand him without understanding me. without understanding that ALL of these things might be emotional to me. to hell with it, i dont care anymore. im just goin to let the pain linger and hopefully by God's grace get over it!

im so damn confuse and its killing me...

babe I love you :D

No this is not the movie. that's for my boyfriend.

I am in a point in life where I would need to be strong (again) and face new challenges. Mike will be goin to military training in about a month from now and it honestly scared the hell out of me.

I need to take part of the sacrifices. its not goin to be so easy with both of us and im sure im goin to struggle hard.. BIG TIME! the fact is eating me up day by day and its crazy. I love him so much that it hurts me not talking to him. I know I shouldn't expect a future for us but it hurts me so bad having to know that the only thing im holding on is slipping away. But i love him much that i would be willing to let go of him. to improve his life so that he can live the life he always wanted. seeing the situation, I never have seen my place in the big picture but whatever that is, i always thinks he deserves it and i'l always remember how he loves me soo much.

welcome to my life!!!

it sucks to be in misery

i just came home from my vacation and missed mike alot. looking forward for our talk but it turned out bad and we fought. i missed him so much and excited to talk to him about everything on my vacation and would want to show him some pics but i know he is not that interested. I was at all very excited to talk to him bout it :(

hahayz... i wish i could have him to be interested in what i say and sometimes i would wish he would also extend his patience on me. i know im stupid for not remembering his schedule and i might have pissed him and God knows i never have the intention to do so. small things like this makes me think how things between us is so fragile...

pls God give me more strength to hold on...