I've been meaning to write about everything that my heart's been feeling lately but i always got no time. I remember when i was still in college what I want. I always picture out myself living overseas. Living somewhere far and nice. I was idealistic by then, but now I know how it could demand a good amount of time, effort, money and courage. I hadn't taken any steps yet but if i will really start doing something about it, i know it wont be easy but I know i can make it. I have to think about what Mike had told me, I will be missing my family, and it's going to be hard all alone by myself. It's all true, I would agree but I wanted to know how it is like to stand on my own, to live somewhere entirely different and to just... just escape from here. I love my family more than anything else but other than that, I don't have much reason to stay and just be stuck right here. I wanted to experience the world. But honestly, I don't know where to start.
WORK: There's not much about work except im tired of doing the same thing over and over again and im upset because people at work can't see me as someone who can do something more. So after I failed twice to be an SME, I decided not to care about my scores and I would just hope that someday soon I would find a reason to be good AGAIN. After failing to get the pose, I come to think that maybe this is not the job for me because I lost the passion and taking calls is not a passion at all, so i really can't see myself taking calls for a long time, and I don't get paid that much too and its one of the reasons why I'm so disinclined to work. HOWEVER, despite of all these, there's this thin thread of a reason to stay; one is, im working for one of the biggest company in the world and second, I have fabulous workmates who could somehow brighten up my day at work. As of right now, I'l hold on to those very reasons until I find a way and opportunity to travel or to do something that I'm really passionate about.
LIFE: Mike was my life. But not anymore. I cannot rely my life, my feelings and my heart to him because I realized he's no good. What he is only good at is chatting with me online. I bet he could do that all his life and here I am letting myself down and be fooled. I hate him, I hate that I love him so much I could wait forever. I hope I'd find the courage to understand his reasons and forgiveness to be gentle to myself and not be resentful about this whole mess. I wish I'd find myself to peace again. I wish I would come to love myself more before loving someone else. As of right now, for me it is over. It's been over 6 years and nothing has ever happened. This is not normal so i'm walking out of this misery and start living my own life. I will be the only one who will define my life and not someone else. And I'm so guilty about all of these because most of the time, I know I have forgotten that God is there with me. I guess I failed to call upon His Name. I would like to look at this as a treasure and a very valuable lesson instead of a failure. I know it's too angelic for me to say this but I will try my very best to look at it that way. My family is here and I got friends I guess. If Mike wants someone to talk to, I'll be there for him because I know he needed someone to stand by him and not leave him. It's just too bad that he can't see me as someone who would stick with him no matter what. If I we're given the chance, I'd share my whole life with him but I guess this is something impossible. I wish i'd stop thinking about the future with him because obviously we're not on the same page and maybe that's why after 6 years, nothing has happened.
FAMILY: We're all healthy and that's something I'm really thankful of. Though there are problems in the way I guess we're still intact though there are holes in between. It's my mom and I wish I'd be more understanding and loving before it's too late. She spends like crazy and we're running out of funds because of her to the point that my dad is about to just give up on her. We don't want to give up on someone in the family because we value our family that much. So I pray for the strength, enlightenment and change for the better. I miss my brother who is currently in Palawan. Though the distance hurts, I am happy for him that at an early age, he is able to live on his own and I am certain that he will grow up to be a good man. We all owe this to my father whose presence and support molded us to be so caring about one another and to of course to my mom who most of the time has her own eccentric ways which helped us to be more decisive at all times and to be more considerate for others needs instead of just thinking about ourselves. Though there are cracks threatening to break our family, Im confident that we can at the end survive all these. After all, my family is God's greatest gift and somehow because of them, I feel im still the luckiest.
