finally

I've past the college life and I dont even know where and how to start life from here. Yes, finally, i'd gotten over the homeworks and deadlines. The irony here is, Im still about to open up a new chapter that would mean so much to me as an individual person. I felt quite relieved from all the stress and depressions but im overwhelming with anxiety cause I have to venture a new world ahead with no idea as to how and why. If i could just grab a book on how to make good of my life after graduation, or if it was possible to buy a starter kit for one's life, I would in no doubt buy it! I just felt so alone like I need to do this for myself. geezzz.. its scary really, i dont even know how to describe my feelings. hahaha... it's just that, im not ready yet but the world keeps on bugging me that i have to act now.

Should I call HIM for help?

Honestly. There are just alot of things in this world that I dont understand. Perhaps, Im stubborn to do so. I am a person who smiles alot, but I contributed to the cliche that happy jolly people were the most that are hurt. Yes I am. For the past 20 years, I've never appreciated my family that much until the day arrived thatI have to watch it fall before my very eyes. The hurt is enormous. I felt so bad and resentment creeps in. The pain is raw and the anger is streaming in my heart. I stopped talking to God because I dont wanna believe in Him anymore. I was too blinded by the pain that I am feeling and as much as possible, i wanna ignore that something is wrong. Little did i know that I was making a fool of myself. And if ever im goin to face the truth, I am not sure if i can handle it. I felt like I needed guidance from God but I am too ashame to call for him. I've always turned my back to God and now, I wanna humble myself and call for his help.

Forgiving is neither an option. I don't have the heart to forgive the things that's been eating me up right now. I don't have the courage to make the best of the situation because each and everyday that unfold makes me shrink weaker and weaker inside. I admit, i am an amatuer for every problem that I encounter and I dont have any idea what to do on this. It lingers for quite a moment now and Im still here, immobile, unmoved but restless and unease.

Yesteday, I was in a retreat. I wasted the opportunity to seek help for spiritual advisers because I dont wanna show my emotions. I might break down and cry and i felt like it wasnt healthy to cry for the right reasons with the wrong people. So i decided to repress the things and I know it was one of the "bad moves".

I was too focus of the bad things in life that's why maybe God took away the trust that's been destroying my family right now. Have i known this to happen, I should've seized the day when were still complete and intact. I am not sure now. I am floating on the ocean of uncertainties... I want to survive in this trial and wanted to accept it wholeheartedly. After all, "everything happens for a reason" Maybe because I needed some whip in the butt and learn my lessons well through this. Or, maybe God has greater plans for me.

One beautiful Word from God that Abby mentioned yesterday was from the bible and it says (im not sure from what book in the bible but the thought is this...) "Trust in the Lord, with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." It touched me so dear and from that line in the bible, I wanna start to clean the mess in my heart so that I would be able to move on with my life and start the next chapter with a happy heart despite of the deficiencies. I know it'll take time to get by... it'll take alot of patience and perseverance.

I've been mentioning alot of things here but they're arent as easy as 1-2-3. They are perfect to me but I wanna carry them out into action so from this day on, I wanna seek God's face and will start to believe in him. That alone would take time :(

I wanna sort things out...

Blessings :)

I think this is the best moment for me to look back… to look back at those things that I had been denying to myself in the past and is now haunting all over me… To look back at those things that I had done in the past years, especially that I’ll soon leave the portals of USC. To look back at the girl that I used to be. I mean, there are just a lot of reasons to do so. I wasn’t the same Jorge four years ago. And that makes all the difference.

The biggest achievement I’ve done so far was going to college. Going to college was a big leap. It’s not because my parents cannot afford to send me to school but it is more on the internal and external forces that was tossing and turning me in. First year was hard. I had to be strong for myself and get out of my shell. I have to make friends and of course, I have to adjust. I was kind of “culture shocked.” I felt very little. But even so, I lingered the moment. I made friends and the closest was Sheena. It was a relieve having to know her. We were always together and the best thing in college was that you can do whatever you want. Like, literally. She had her own pad and we hang out in her place and we became the best of friends. “yadj…” I miss calling her with that. When that year ended, she left. But I kept the memories with me… It’s been years and I never really heard from her though we go to the same school. It is sad to know that she never kept in touch despite of my efforts to do so. People come and go… few would decide to stay.

In a snap, I was in my sophomore year. I found myself alone again. I was serious with my studies then. Not because I wanted honor but I just felt like I need to do it for myself. Thank God that I don’t have parents who would force me to get the best grade there is. They know I am the average girl and knowing that, I felt relieve because I wasn’t pressured at all. One of the best classes that year was my Anthropology Class. My first “getaway” with college friends was made possible by our teacher Mr. Bon Aure. He is the coolest teacher ever!! We always admire him for being such a cool one. No pressures, just fun learning… and by fun.. I meant the BIG FUN! No fuss at all.. no homework and all we do was watch documentary shows and some stuff like that. Our finals was the best, I remember an item there asking the name of the person who sat the seat next to mine ;p

They said, if one something/someone was taken away from you, it’s because God has bigger plans for you. God is indeed a good God. I found my truest friends when I was in my second year. God gave me CHENA, BING and LYN. I considered them my bestest in my college life. We are four different individuals but there is something that binds us altogether. And it was the magic that FRIENDSHIP spelled on us. I love being with them. They accepted me for who I am even though I am pathetic at times. It was those times that I was heard, understood and appreciated. It was those times that I let them in. It was those times that I was nothing but myself. It was with them when first gone to the BAR. Hahaha.. ggezzz.. it was with them that I first got drunk. It was with them that I first heard of awesome things bout sex. Lol (CHENA AND LYN- the sexperts). It was with them that I shed my tears when I got my heart broken. I was with Chena and Bing just when I needed my friends the most. They were there. Trying to comfort me, while Bing looked confuse on what to do and what to say (haha) And of course, for the laughs.. the BIG ONES, I thanked LYN for being there. Our friendship was tested through time.

For Chena. My lifeline. I don’t know but she came to me as if God was giving me the bestest lifetime gift ever with no definite reason at all. She was just a plain classmate who seemed to like my jokes very much! Chen, I remember the time when we just sat down under the nangka tree in school and you can’t help but laugh at my jokes and you kept on asking for more. Hehe (see Bing, im not that corny at all!) Having to find my way to Chena was really a blessing. She knows me too well. She knows when I hold back something. She knows that I have to tell her something when I start to bottle things up. She was like.. she is the best. Need I say more? She is the wittiest, hottest, prettiest, strongest, sexiest, “guys-would-go-locoiest”, smartest and most of the truest friend ever. What more could I ask?! im so thankful to have her as my friend. I am truly lucky to have her. Chena, I would die for you!! I wanna thank her for just being there, even though we don’t see each other often anymore because you have work and other priorities. You stayed, and that’s all that matters J

It was on my second year that I got very good grades. I was proud of myself then. (nakasuway ug DL!) haha…

More of my stuff in the next post! J

With my short stay in USC, I realized that I wasn’t there for the mere reason of solely learning the things that I should know but, I see it more than that... beyond that. It is the people that made my stay worth it. It is through dealing with different kinds of people that makes up a big part of me. It is through understanding the people around me, and in return being understood by these people.