alone

mike and i have been lately fighting. it hurts me so much bec i feel like whatever i do; i can't bring him to be gentle on me. i feel like he didnt care what ive been through when he joined the military. ive been crying and ive been confuse, been botttling this all up by myself. i never showed that each day of waiting and hoping; that my heart brittles. i wanna hold on and be strong for our relationship but i end up feeling nothing but self pity. sometimes i just needed him to remind me to hold on just like before. he wants me to be strong but now when i cant take it anymore, he pushes me away

Help me God

There will always be something that is missing in this life. I've been trying to rationalize this sad truth; and it comforted me to know that it is part of being human. We are never complete; as we live in this world, we seek... We are in a journey that only time can tell and only us can decide on how to go over about it.

I take my case as an example; I wish to have a happy family. We are happy despite of the imperfections, we are together despite of our differences and I guess for now that's all that matters. Even when I have my family with me, I still seek for my mother to change whatever bad attitude she has that I don't really like. There will always be times when I just cant stand her but it doesnt mean that I dont love her. I do, its me and her (human)-- being imperfect that makes me seek more from her. And i know even when I am certain that i cant change her; in the back of my head i still hope or even sigh for it.

I have a job that everybody thinks that I am lucky enough because I get paid big. Truth is, its not big compared to what they think. But I am happy because I feel like I was hired in this "company" they think that only smart people can get in. I feel proud of myself and of course thankful. I dont know if I'm ungrateful enough but I keep on complaining about my traveling situation to and from work. I also can't rent a room because it will be more costly for me. But I always get a grip of myself and remind myself that I am lucky to have a good job.

I'm supposedly perfect but then again, im not. Nobody is. I wish despite of the imperfections, i find myself to be happy and much more thankful. Contented and carefree; to have a peace of mind.

I lastly wish that God will give me someone that could take care of my heart. I've been alone and been wishing secretly that someone would take away my sadness and makes me feel special. I wish it would be Mike but i know he can't give me that. Not because he is busy but because he just cant. I greatly understand our situation; that it will take alot of time for us to be together but for the past months, I never felt wanted anymore by him. I didn't feel important anymore and I need it to sustain myself and to get away from the hurt of not being with him. At least, i am praying that he would remind me i am missed, I am special. What hurts me most is not the physical distance between us but I hate the fact that he seemed to be distant anymore. Whatever I do to be gentle on the situation; he still kept on pulling away and what's worst even when it friggin hurts me, I still persist. Lord God, I never loved this way in my entire life, please let me know if i have to go away... Please give me more strength to hold on and to extend my patience and understanding. Please guard my heart from more pain.

Dear ....

There are times when I hate myself because I just dont know what to do. I wish whenever I ran into something new someone can tell me what's the right thing to do. We've been cold with each other lately. I knew I had expressed myself that I am tired of this already. I mean it, but it's the last thing I wanna say. I'm tired of missing you. Above all, Im tired of being scared. I know what you've been undergoing for months is overwhelming and drastic. I know I should extend my patience more when you can't be with me like you used to. I've been trying my best to set aside my feelings but still there are times when I find myself asking, "What about me?". You dont remember our anniversary, you forgot my birthday. Im thinking you are just tired and stressed from training but then again my mind would let it pass but my heart can't. You don't like me asking you questions, you leave me whenever you dont like it anymore, you pull away when I feel upset when all I want is for you to comfort me even just for a while. I just needed to be assured that everything will be fine. That you don't mean to hurt me whenever we have an argument but I know i'd be foolish to expect that. I know our limitations, i just don't know how to handle this heavy hearted feeling of mine. I want to pull away but it hurts but when i try to understand you and forget about my feelings, it still hurts me. I'm pulling away to see if you'll pull me back but i now see you drifting away...

mumbles heard from a bored person

im scAred of being alone. its funny coz i like being alone but it hurts me being that way. im a masochist maybe... its just that when im alone i would have the time to examine myself and i will start asking lotsa questions. questions that im avoiding and answers that are fAr from being possible. just like now, ive been asking myself if whose goin to take care of me when everyone i knew has someone to take care already. im asking if i would have the love that i deserve. im asking how much longer is the need to wait or will i be love in return? will it still come? being the libra girl that i am, i always give justice to both sides of the story, mayybe that's why im patient like this. sometimes, i just would like to be the right person instead of waiting for whoever iis mr. right... but half of the time, i would wish someone will make me feel im special too... i just need that one little act.

waiting is a mystery

Author: Napoleon Gonzales III

Waiting is a mystery - a natural sacrament of life - there is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives. Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting (testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in self-control.)

We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend to call or show up for a date. We wait in line at cinemas and theaters. Our airline terminals, railway stations and bus depots are great temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one - or wait in sadness to say goodbye. And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next stop. We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success and recognition. We wait to grow up - to reach the stage where we make our own decisions.

We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is a part of the tapestry of living - the fabric in which the threads are woven to tell the story of our lives.Yet current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait - Instant pleasure, instant transcendence. Do not wait for anything. Life is short - eat, drink and be merry because tomorrow you will die.

And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom- they warn against attachments and commitments - against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us - against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and wait. This may be the correct prescription for pleasure - but even that is fleeting and doubtful.

If we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, soul as well as heart, we have to learn to wait. For if we never learn to wait, we will never learn to love someone other than ourselves. But most of all, waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery, brushing by our face everyday like a stray leaf falling from a tree.

Anyone who has loved knows how much waiting goes into it - how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime.

Why is this? Why can't we have it right now, what we so desperately want and need? Why must we wait - two years, three years - and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruits - the seed to flower - carbon to change to diamond.

There is no simple answer - no more than there is to life's other demands - having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have made other commitments or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives - you having to leave home and loved ones to find your own path. Good-byes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

All we know is that growth - the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other a time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting - of being present without asking demands and rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It truly tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give.

So lovers wait for each other - until they can see things the same way - or let each other freely see things in quite different ways. There are times when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance of intimacy of the way they were. They have to wait - in silence - but still present to each other - until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story.

What do we lose when we refuse to wait, when we try to find shortcuts through life - when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of truly loving or of being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature - isn't it of their very essence that they are filled with this strange but common mystery - that waiting is part of the substance - the basic fabric against which the story of that true love is written.

How can we ever find either life or true love if we are too impatient to wait for it? Waiting is a good thing only if something is worth waiting for.

How will you know if it's worth it? Gut feel. What if you don't trust your gut? Pray. You will be enlightened. Trust me.

Is it wrong to expect while waiting? It's not wrong, but it will increase your chances of heartbreak and disappointment if things don't work out in the end.

Is it good to expect while waiting? It is better to HOPE.

What's the difference between hoping and expecting? HOPING means you're open to either side of the coin landing though you're more inclined to believe that things will turn out well. EXPECTING means you're thinking single-track, which won't do you much good at all.

What's the difference between waiting and expecting? EXPECTING is waiting for something TO DEFINITELY HAPPEN. WAITING is staying where you are, but not necessarily expecting something to happen definitely.

Do you need assurance from someone you're waiting for while you're waiting? Ideally, yes. But realistically, do you really want assurance from this person? It's so easy to just point at something and make that the reason why you're waiting ("Because she said..." "Because he told me that...").

With WAITING, all you really can rely on are 3 things: your gut feel, your heart and your mind. Just YOURSELF, not anyone else.

So should you wait? What does your gut say? How does your heart feel? What does your mind think? If they're saying different things, keep asking yourself these 3 questions (and pray!) until you get a solid answer. THEN you'll know if he or she is worth waiting for.