my first tear

i went to the church with my family and my uncle boy. Seeing him crushed my heart into pieces. There's so much about him that triggers my emotions... There is so much about him that speaks of the pain of losing and winning back the life that he ought to live.

I was half listening as the priest delivered his sermon. All i was thinking at that time was this man sitting beside me. A man who had given up his everything for the benefit of his family. A man who is so selfless and yet, finds himself so alone after all the things he did to his family. A man who has longed for the comfort and warm embrace to his family that has been separated by distance so that in return he can give the life that his family deserves. As i was overwhelmed with these things, the words of the priest permeates the oceans of thoughts in my mind. It is the word, "forgiveness". How can my uncle have the heart to forgive what his family had done to him? Without second thoughts, i looked at him and found him crying. I wasnt ready to have seen that sight but I was there... i wished i had embraced him and tell him that everything will be fine. but words arent enough..

i tear fell from my eyes. I dont know. My heart was moved. I couldn't help but hugged and kissed him when it was time to give out "peace".

Even if you've done so much to the people u love, u cannot expect that you will be getting something in return. You cannot expect them to love u and respect you even if they ought to do that to you.

Well i dont know how to cope up with the same situation that my uncle is in right now. Coz your family is the only thing that u run to whenever things turn out wrong and bad but what if they turn out to be not the people they expect u to be? ouch

i love mike

i love mike!

weekend

this has been a long weekend. I havent had enough sleep which is sooo bad.. really bad. so tomorrow at training, i'll be very sleepy and tired for sure. its gunna be a long, tiring, boring yet thrilling week the next.

i dont wana sleep yet and i wanna spend time wit mike but my eyes are really dropping!

WMM

WORK

ah-huh. So this week is really stressful yet, it went by soo fast that i cant believe the week is over and i'll be sure enjoying my rest days :) It's a bit discouraging though because I havent received my paycheck yet. FIRST PAY CHECK for that matter. Im really looking forward to it... haha.. even though all i did for the past 15 days was to sit in there, listen to Jet. But of course, my anxieties are always there.. always been there.. always will be there! haha.. its my first time with this kind of job and i guess, this is a normal feeling i should get and that makes this weird feeling a NATURAL one. geez. so confusing! i just felt like there's no turning back and i have to give my best shot to this. anyway, i hope i can make it :) :)

MIKE

yes. remember? i told myself that im not coming back to him again because i cant take it anymore. He is the only person other than my family that has the power to make me cry and just break down. Maybe because i love him too much that even if he gets angry at me and very hostile towards me, i still love him. when he emailed me and was sorry bout everything, i realized that its all i wanted to hear from him... i just didnt expect he'll do such a thing to me, like he wanted me back and those stuff simply because, he wasnt that type. He always tells me that he is happy being alone and single. I honestly get hurt deeply whenever he'll say that to me. its because, i know i cant do that without him and hearing him those makes me feel more miserable.

and now, i decided that i want him back too. but im worried bout our schedule now that i am already working. i miss him so much. i miss it when we talk bout our days and when he is so sweet to me and not angry, and how he reminds me that he doesnt get tired when it comes to me :) :) i miss his love notes and love letters... i miss him so much. i miss us

MOALBOAL
tomorrow, im going at BING's place with my cousin. unfortunately, all the other people (college friends) ncant come. haha

miko

miko is so cute singing BEAT IT!

3am

Im getting alot of sleep on my rest days and im happy about it. What is not so happy about it is that,  i was also getting alot of crying over wit someone. It's HIM again. He just can't accept it that I committed a mistake once and he thought im always fooling him. How can i fool someone intentionally? I cant bring myself to that. He is the subject of all my thoughts. Well, i cannot blame him bout that really, but his hostility has been too much to handle. I cannot go on with this because he hates me everyday and everytime we talk. He thinks im a liar, he watch every word i say, he analyzes everything i mean to say. And, im hurt because he is the last person i thought that would do that to me. When i confessed to him about my sin, I had the confidence to tell him even its like 6 months too late because he guaranteed to me that he wont get mad. I thought he means it, and i thought he would  understand. Not because it was my intention to hurt and be unfaithful to him but because I am human to commit a mistake. Well he just cant accept that the way i accepted him wholeheartedly. 

Even if it hurts, I have to stop it. I dont wanna talk to him anymore because it got no use. He doesnt believe me and the more i say things that more it will aggrevate the situation. Im letting him go even if that means breaking my heart. The thought always makes me cry but this is the least that i can do for him. 

That means no more HIM to talk with about everything and secrets and such. No more HIM to email and chat to. No more HIM in the future. He doesnt love me anymore and I cant force him to do that.

Im very much hurt now and I dont know where to start mending this feeling. There is so much bitterness inside me and sad to say, i have to win this battle alone this time. I have to resist because i know this is the right thing to do.

i dont wanna hate him for doing this to me, but as of now, i still feel angry and its hard to admit but im drowning with self -pity and bitterness...

this time

.... i can't hold back the tears anymore. i miss him so much and now that he is home, i still havent talked to him. im so angry at everything

im buzzing as if he would know im here waiting for him

this time

.... i can't hold back the tears anymore. i miss him so much and now that he is home, i still havent talked to him. im so angry at everything

if im not in love wit you..

I love Mike so much. It grew each day even if we're far from each other, and together with this strong feeling are the tests between us. His health, the timezone, the issue on trust, and the anxiety and longing we feel for each other. I got hurt the most when he told me that he felt so alone waking up from a very long sleep. My heart ached knowing he felt so alone while im here, wanting nothing more but just be there beside him and take good care of him. it hurts me so much, I badly want to be there for him :(

And now, he is in the hospital. I can't believe he slept for like 3 days! He must be really weak. I haven't slept for the whole 3 days too coz i cant sleep not knowing what had happened to him. gosh it's awful. I hope he didn't get the swine flu. It's just so terrible! I've been praying so hard for our relationship and though this is not the perfect love I've wished for, i could say that im still bless having him because with him I could feel the true essence of love. It's when we still fight for our love against all odds. It is when we believe... and for now, it's what im holding to.

I dont know what's the cause of his sickness (again). I just wish im there for him... And I hope a miracle will happen. i feel like i need to be there for him.. so bad..

im so damn worried

the last time i talked to him was like 2 days ago. He was not feeling well and suspected that he caught the swine flu. Last night i talked to his bestfriend and yeah he was tested and everything. I didnt get the chance to talk to him again because i was thinking he is very ill right now and cant go online. I understand that, its just that, im very very worried. He was feelin weak and is in the hospital. I hope God will not leave him. Im so scared something might happen to him, i cant sleep and i cant stop thinking negative things. im so confuse. I just hope he will contact me now :( so that atleast i wud know wut happen to him. gosh :( :( :(

why its all on me

My mom and I talked. I didnt want her to see me cry, but I did. I felt like I wanna be honest even if that means I will not ever see my famiyl complete again. Its not easy acting divine after all the holocaust and shit. She hurt me, not because she was not the prfect mother I always wish her to be but its because she hurt my dad. The pain reverberates every time I think of this too much, so I didnt pay much attention to this even though the damage is eating me up each day. But now, she asked for forgivess (AGAIN, for the nth time). Who am i to refuse apologies? I know i dont have the right to deny her that but if its not sincere, then maybe we are both fooling ourselves and wasting our time. If I'll forgive her just like that, she might do it again. One thing's for sure... there's no easy way out.

I am greatly hurt for denying her the forgiveness she asked, I felt bothered and scared for I know I have to pay a price in return of my actions. but, she has to learn a lesson the hardest way possible. Not because we want her to suffer but because, we are all bounded by our humanistic nature. We get hurt... and forgiveness is not easy even if God is here for me. It doesnt mean i hate my mother, its just that, I hate what she did and honestly, i still have troubles creating a line between that. Time heals, and im clinging on to that. She is all verbal and i need to see how sincere she is this time around.

Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice.

I hope I have the heart of God to just forgive her right away because I know it that this is the closest thing I could do as a sinner, myself . We all sin... that's given...

But we are also slaves to our own feelings, we get hurt and we dont want it to happen again...