I was being honest to him yesterday. I told him how much it hurts living a life apart from him. I told him that I long for him each day and it hurts me so much. I dont know if being honest to him would help. I dont know if letting "us" go would help. I just think that I needed to be honest to him even though it may mean letting go of the dreams we shared and the breaking off the bond we had built for a long time. It's just that I learned to love him that I made it right here. Four years of just talking to him without any physical contact. Im human enough to have felt the insecurities, uncertainties and longingness that's been making me sad these days. I needed him beside me. I needed him to make me feel im special. I needed him here beside me. And its not that I cant wait for us to be together, its just that im not that strong enough to ask myself, "wut if i've waited for nothing". I dont wanna risk it because I might not know how to pick up myself again. I know im being too selfish and all i think of is just my self. I just love him too much and I need to straighten things up. Know myself more and immune myself with what love is really about. I am very scared of the idea of leaving him behind because its the last thing I would do to him. But isnt it time to think about myself? I am not happy waking up every morning thinking of him and realizing that he is not with me. Every waking moment of my life reminds me of the distance, the need to feel and touch and the worridness of his safety and whereabouts... and these are all for real. The idea of waiting for him and not leaving him behind is now a point to ponder. What if there's more to life than waiting for something that is not sure to come?
Sometimes, I would ask God why ME. Then, He would always remind me that HE has his own way of doing things and not for me to work things out the way I wanted it. I always dwell on the Lord's words, " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". Am I human enough to make this kind if decision of leaving him behind and just move on with my life here? Would he understand? Am I strong enough living a life without the thought of him in the future. Would I long more of the security as I live my life all alone without a man to catch me when I fall? or without friends who would be here and listen to me? I am so scared, confuse and uncertain. I hope God would talk to me. I hope I would see the light and understand why things like these happen to me. I hope to see life with a newer perspective and light. I hope to see the purpose of tha pain that I've been feeling right now and would be able to carry on and use this defficiency to love life more.. to embrace the challenges and the suffering for life is ought to be like this.
I hope im making the right decisions and that had the wisdom i need to be able to weigh things over...
I just love him... and guess this is what LOVE is all about...
Sometimes, I would ask God why ME. Then, He would always remind me that HE has his own way of doing things and not for me to work things out the way I wanted it. I always dwell on the Lord's words, " Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding". Am I human enough to make this kind if decision of leaving him behind and just move on with my life here? Would he understand? Am I strong enough living a life without the thought of him in the future. Would I long more of the security as I live my life all alone without a man to catch me when I fall? or without friends who would be here and listen to me? I am so scared, confuse and uncertain. I hope God would talk to me. I hope I would see the light and understand why things like these happen to me. I hope to see life with a newer perspective and light. I hope to see the purpose of tha pain that I've been feeling right now and would be able to carry on and use this defficiency to love life more.. to embrace the challenges and the suffering for life is ought to be like this.
I hope im making the right decisions and that had the wisdom i need to be able to weigh things over...
I just love him... and guess this is what LOVE is all about...
