with the kind of attitude that i have, i dont know how to start all over again. I dont have any idea how to handle the pain coz what i've gone through now cuts the deepest. im broken. My dreams are shattered. Im frustrated in all my endeavors and i dont know where to get strenght. The sad part is, I cant show to them how wounded I am. Nobody knows while i go pretending that nothing is wrong. Im very much hurt and confuse with my family. I got no work coz they keep on rejecting me. Mike wants to let me go because I told him I want him right now and he cant give me that. He thought i wanted somebody else, but the truth is, I just told him that so that he would find time and opportunity to come down here. So that he would be motivated, and he would do something about it. But, it turned out the other way around. He let me go. I cannot make him stay this time. Even though it hurts me so much, I have to make a stand this time. Even though Im scared of not being with him in the future, and even though it would mean letting go of my dreams and picking up the broken pieces of it and just... just let it go. Im very down this time and not having him hurts me the most. its aweful and after alot of years in college, I didnt expect I'd be getting all these. Broken family, silent angers, resentment between my mom and I, having to let go of Mike, no job- full of rejections, not having a friend to talk to, having to pretend im okay and be the jolly and funny person that I am to the people around me. Pretending that I am alright.
I read the words of the Lord last night and I dwell to it. I should let the Lord take control of my life. I cling on to the Lord for he said, to trust him with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding (proverbs 3:5). Everything that is happening to me right now is not what my heart's desire, in fact, its the opposite of my will but maybe God has other plans for me. Maybe he would want me to teach a lesson on giving up but not losing faith. Maybe God has bigger plans for me. Maybe God put me into test because I know HE loves me so much. Maybe.. just maybe.. he was calling me to come back to him because I've forgotten about him for the past months of my life. Coz I stopped calling and praying to Him. Maybe these problems are His instruments to call me... so that i will listen to him and i would not just rely on my own understanding.
I am coping so hard and im very hurt. Im close to giving up but there's something inside telling me that there's a world out there too. That, God has given me the opportunity to fix broken relationships and He's telling me that despite of my problems, I am loved.
Whatever God has planned for me, whether its the same as what I have in my mind or not, I surrender my ALL to HIM. Though im still there at the pit and cant even stand up, I know i'd be very willing to surrender to him my life. This pain.. I know also has a purpose...
I read the words of the Lord last night and I dwell to it. I should let the Lord take control of my life. I cling on to the Lord for he said, to trust him with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding (proverbs 3:5). Everything that is happening to me right now is not what my heart's desire, in fact, its the opposite of my will but maybe God has other plans for me. Maybe he would want me to teach a lesson on giving up but not losing faith. Maybe God has bigger plans for me. Maybe God put me into test because I know HE loves me so much. Maybe.. just maybe.. he was calling me to come back to him because I've forgotten about him for the past months of my life. Coz I stopped calling and praying to Him. Maybe these problems are His instruments to call me... so that i will listen to him and i would not just rely on my own understanding.
I am coping so hard and im very hurt. Im close to giving up but there's something inside telling me that there's a world out there too. That, God has given me the opportunity to fix broken relationships and He's telling me that despite of my problems, I am loved.
Whatever God has planned for me, whether its the same as what I have in my mind or not, I surrender my ALL to HIM. Though im still there at the pit and cant even stand up, I know i'd be very willing to surrender to him my life. This pain.. I know also has a purpose...
