My thoughts have been constantly floating in my mind for a long time now and i just couldn't figure out what should i write to save them from overflowing. There are alot of things that i keep thinking about. One is about my family-- which could consist of alot of things like how bless i am to have them, one would be about my thoughts at work and lastly about how i just wanted to cope with my longing for Mike by writing my feelings down.
One of the things I've been meaning to write about are the things that I learn from loving Mike. My situation is not normal to whatever is the general perception of the public about "romantic relationship". I've been talking to someone who is a complete stranger to me, to someone I haven't met in real person and I've been giving him enormous amount of my time, my ideals and dreams and most of all, my heart and mind to the extent that i'm willing to give him my soul. I'm so much ready for him to be my real life partner as I've been alone for quite sometime now. And I just know; though he's not the perfect man I'm willing to take the risk. I love him and there's no doubt about that but from what I heard from last week's mass, every one has his own suffering. All of us have our own piece of suffering but I don't think its given to us for the purpose of suffering itself but perhaps for the purpose of being wiser, stronger and to give us a clue that a meaningful life is all about having faith and how far that faith will take you plus the action you take to materialize your aspirations in life.
I haven't had enough experiences when it comes to relationships because we physically don't have contact to one another. We can't (unfortunately) do things together, I can't recall any memorable experiences since what we do is just talk online. But what we do is rely into each others words, trust our instincts and spend time almost every day. Though its not the conventional way of dating, i felt it all real. It's like the concept of God in my life. I can't see him but he is a big part of who I am and i love Him. I know Mike is there too and time will tell if God would plan us to meet one day. This whole thing taught me to WAIT and to trust God. But sometimes, when I am in the deepest of my miseries, I can't help but rationalize if this is still BELIEVABLE. 6 years and still nothing has changed. 6 years, and now he is serving in the military for another 4 years. I don't have anything for me to cover all the pain and miseries wondering if everything will work out because I badly wanted him but all i have are prayers. I know He answers our prayers its just that sometimes it might be a NO and I'm trying to get ready for it too. It helped me for all this time. God sees the bigger picture and i trust Him. It is just rightful to Trust Him in things like this.
For the mean time while im waiting, I make better of myself by doing what is best for me. I learned to stand by my own, entered the corporate world and though sometimes i'm depressed with our situation, i could still carry on by finding humour about everything. My sunny disposition helped me put up with my sadness whenever I feel like my chances are low in getting the man that I want. For the record, i have never wanted anyone badly as this. It's a magical feeling that deep down inside you, you are sure that he is the man you wanted to grow with and grow old with despite of their past, your differences, and the attitude. I know Mike and I complimented well and Im nothing but excited to meet him one day if God and opportunity permits.
I trust you Lord to give me more strength to carry on.
