Honestly. There are just alot of things in this world that I dont understand. Perhaps, Im stubborn to do so. I am a person who smiles alot, but I contributed to the cliche that happy jolly people were the most that are hurt. Yes I am. For the past 20 years, I've never appreciated my family that much until the day arrived thatI have to watch it fall before my very eyes. The hurt is enormous. I felt so bad and resentment creeps in. The pain is raw and the anger is streaming in my heart. I stopped talking to God because I dont wanna believe in Him anymore. I was too blinded by the pain that I am feeling and as much as possible, i wanna ignore that something is wrong. Little did i know that I was making a fool of myself. And if ever im goin to face the truth, I am not sure if i can handle it. I felt like I needed guidance from God but I am too ashame to call for him. I've always turned my back to God and now, I wanna humble myself and call for his help.
Forgiving is neither an option. I don't have the heart to forgive the things that's been eating me up right now. I don't have the courage to make the best of the situation because each and everyday that unfold makes me shrink weaker and weaker inside. I admit, i am an amatuer for every problem that I encounter and I dont have any idea what to do on this. It lingers for quite a moment now and Im still here, immobile, unmoved but restless and unease.
Yesteday, I was in a retreat. I wasted the opportunity to seek help for spiritual advisers because I dont wanna show my emotions. I might break down and cry and i felt like it wasnt healthy to cry for the right reasons with the wrong people. So i decided to repress the things and I know it was one of the "bad moves".
I was too focus of the bad things in life that's why maybe God took away the trust that's been destroying my family right now. Have i known this to happen, I should've seized the day when were still complete and intact. I am not sure now. I am floating on the ocean of uncertainties... I want to survive in this trial and wanted to accept it wholeheartedly. After all, "everything happens for a reason" Maybe because I needed some whip in the butt and learn my lessons well through this. Or, maybe God has greater plans for me.
One beautiful Word from God that Abby mentioned yesterday was from the bible and it says (im not sure from what book in the bible but the thought is this...) "Trust in the Lord, with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." It touched me so dear and from that line in the bible, I wanna start to clean the mess in my heart so that I would be able to move on with my life and start the next chapter with a happy heart despite of the deficiencies. I know it'll take time to get by... it'll take alot of patience and perseverance.
I've been mentioning alot of things here but they're arent as easy as 1-2-3. They are perfect to me but I wanna carry them out into action so from this day on, I wanna seek God's face and will start to believe in him. That alone would take time :(
I wanna sort things out...
Forgiving is neither an option. I don't have the heart to forgive the things that's been eating me up right now. I don't have the courage to make the best of the situation because each and everyday that unfold makes me shrink weaker and weaker inside. I admit, i am an amatuer for every problem that I encounter and I dont have any idea what to do on this. It lingers for quite a moment now and Im still here, immobile, unmoved but restless and unease.
Yesteday, I was in a retreat. I wasted the opportunity to seek help for spiritual advisers because I dont wanna show my emotions. I might break down and cry and i felt like it wasnt healthy to cry for the right reasons with the wrong people. So i decided to repress the things and I know it was one of the "bad moves".
I was too focus of the bad things in life that's why maybe God took away the trust that's been destroying my family right now. Have i known this to happen, I should've seized the day when were still complete and intact. I am not sure now. I am floating on the ocean of uncertainties... I want to survive in this trial and wanted to accept it wholeheartedly. After all, "everything happens for a reason" Maybe because I needed some whip in the butt and learn my lessons well through this. Or, maybe God has greater plans for me.
One beautiful Word from God that Abby mentioned yesterday was from the bible and it says (im not sure from what book in the bible but the thought is this...) "Trust in the Lord, with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." It touched me so dear and from that line in the bible, I wanna start to clean the mess in my heart so that I would be able to move on with my life and start the next chapter with a happy heart despite of the deficiencies. I know it'll take time to get by... it'll take alot of patience and perseverance.
I've been mentioning alot of things here but they're arent as easy as 1-2-3. They are perfect to me but I wanna carry them out into action so from this day on, I wanna seek God's face and will start to believe in him. That alone would take time :(
I wanna sort things out...
