i had to lie

i wanted to spend time with him soo much. i waited for him for hours to go online coz he emailed me that he is coming home. Well i understand that part that he cant just leave his aunt's place just like that. of course, they are his family and im happy for him. What i do not understand is that why he told me he is coming home when he was not. I waited for hours hoping we can talk but I had to lie to him that im sleepy because i dont want him using his fone because he is goin to pay for it. Its not working. I want to end this. I love him so much that it hurts. i love him so much that every time i feel and think about or situatuon, it feels like im dying inside. i wish i have the strenght to leave him. it wont work out...

THE CLASSIC

So it's my rest day and i spent my first RD wtith Bing. We went to Mango and it was all unplanned. I got out of the house at 2am because im very frustrated i cannot use the comp. Someday, i will be happy and i dont have to long for someone anymore. Anyway Bing told me to watch this movie called The Classic.

Im poor with judgements. I just can't believe that once again, i found another korean movie that took my breath away. It was so nice. I dont know, i think it is very asian because there's so much tragic in it yet, i find it very appealing and memorable... it makes me cry :(

mastering the art of aloneness

Some people enjoy being by themselves, some people have to work at it. Mastering the art of aloneness offers many personal rewards. Mastering aloneness requires some self-reliance, so that you can take care of yourself, including being able to entertain yourself with any one of many interests. There are different types of aloneness. Alone by choice vs. Alone- no choice.

Choosing to be alone and liking it is very different from having to adjust to circumstances in which we must be alone.
Whether we seek to be alone or find ourselves alone, there are some ways to work toward seeing aloneness as an art and then mastering that art.

1. You will need some solitary pursuits: things that are 1-player, so to speak. Reading, listening to music, writing, crafts and hobbies are all broad categories that can be explored individually.

2. Can you treat yourself to something special? If you have relied on other people to do special things for you, maybe it is time that you do something special for yourself. That will expand your concept of self and will help you enjoy being you because special things can still happen, without waiting for other people to treat us to something good.

3. Enjoying aloneness means you can talk to yourself. Talking to yourself doesn't mean talking out loud for other people to hear you and wonder about you. Here it means that you can process experiences by describing things in your mind as if you are going to tell someone all about wha t your heard or saw. You may never actually tell someone all about your museum visit, for example, but you are processing the experience, what you liked, what you didn't and summarizing the visit, not to tell someone later, but to be engaged with what you are doing.

4. Mastering aloneness means mastering quiet, feeling comfortable, and not feeling self-conscious in any way. You will need to accept and truly believe that there is nothing wrong with being alone. In fact, you will need to see that there is so much to do on your own that you actually look forward to your next chance to have time to yourself.

5. Mastering the art of aloneness means you can compliment yourself, you can calm yourself down, you can develop your interests and explore new things without fear or discomfort. Depending on how many things you have done on your own, branch out by trying something alone that you have never done alone before: going to a movie, eating in a restaurant, visiting an art museum, or walking in to a social event without someone at your side.

After you have had time to be by yourself, at home, or out and about, you can overcome fears and misgivings you may have had being alone. Mastering the art of aloneness isn't a complete change of lifestyle. It doesn't mean giving up time with friends and family. It simply means being comfortable and non-judgmental toward yourself, and getting to know more about yourself without fear or embarrassment. Spending time alone may be a condition you actually enjoy the more comfortable you can be with your own company.

from: http://www.istorya.net/forums/relationships/216075-mastering-the-art-of-aloneness.html

my sunday

i admit im lonely. im longing. im crying. i shouldnt feel this way because this is suppose to be a great sunday for me.

i woke up very early today. Because of poor architecture, (or should i say no architecture at all), this house is not an abode for rainy seasons. The subdivision's drainage sucks and it floods. Worst rain waters starts getting inside the house. We need to mop the floors, make use of the pails for rain drops in the kitchen and in my room. It sucks really.

But even though it sucks, i felt the need to get all the work done the whole time it was raining. I have to mop and drain the waters inside. Its worst. And i got back pains..

I love rainy sundays, but this isnt my idea of a rainy sunday... :I

tears... tears...

so around 9, i went online to see if my boyfriend is around. And im happy to see him online. its always my initial feeling having to see him on my messenger. Im very much eager to tell him everything.. bout my experiences, my feelings, my sunny side, my fears, my opinions. I know im talking with someone whom i needed the most. but, in the middle of our conversation, we just argue, he doesnt want to talk to me. he doesnt want to trust me. And i felt bad. Really bad that i have to hold back my tears because i cant let them see me crying. Because im not that person who cries. Because im the person who is strong and independent. because im the only person who can strongly convince myself that i dont need someone.. but yet, i kept on hurting because in reality, its not true. In reality, im longing for mike and it hurts because every day is getting farther away from any point of possibilities that we can be together. And im scared. Im so scared. Everyday, he always finds a reason to hate me. to not care for me...

I decided to hang out with one of my closest friend in college. We went to the mall and unfortunately, there are no atms. That means i dont have money. Its frustrating because i was suppose to treat her. I just needed a break. Im so happy having to see Bing again. It has been months and its good to be with someone who knows the real you. Someone, whom you can laugh with and be stupid with. Its a relief having to forget a bit of your pain when you're with a true friend. We had a late lunch at Shakeys and she told me about her guy friends and a guy stalker whom she loathe big time. Wow thats pretty something. Having gone to law school sounds cool and stimulating. I wish nothing but the best for Bing.

We watched the movie GI Joe. We made fun of the movie until the guy at the back was pissed. Damn the hell we care. We're both a big fan of Chaning Tatum but it turns out that Bing liked the "orgen" guy more after the movie. lol

I think the movie effects were too much and we all know that too much is bad. So i dont quite like the movie. They happen to tangle up what's real and what's not.. making the movie inconsistent and unparallel. One thing I love about it though is the part where the girl's emotion and feelings over Chaning prevailed despite of being changed through some scientific shit. Isnt that romantic??

there are alot of things that i didnt understand on the movie and Bing thinks its funny. LOL

We went painting! i so enjoyed it! recreational activities!! I wish one of us bought a cam to capture our little reunion though i fail to see Lyn today. She doesnt want to go to the mall and since i wasnt able to get money, I cant meet her up. Im sure Lyn's very excited to catch up with things especially that her new boyfriend was my former crush when i was in first year college! haha. im so excited for them..

So yeah. its past 12 midnight and i ended the day having a fight with mike. Well its so tiring. im so emotionally stress out. I wanted to be honest to him but i know he doesnt want to hear out my sentiments. its too bad. I think were not goin anywhere. I hope im not masochist enough to permit myself from hurting again and again...

i get fed up and strained emotionally. And there's nothing i would like but be strong for myself in this trial. Being a part of him is not easy and i know its not easy on his part too. we are both hurting and angry... i wish i can just let him go so that he wouldnt have to worry too much about me. I dont want him to feel obliged to be always there for me. I know i've been too much and i know im too bad for not showing him how much i appreciate his best efforts just to be there for me. if there is someone to blame here, then its me. Its all on me and not on him.

it's me... and for that, i cant forgive myself for too many reasons

God, please don't let me lose hope. I dont want to lose myself in this. I pray that we both find our peace and contentment with our without each other.

hello!

1.What is the age difference between you and your youngest sibling?
- 10 years i guess

2. Do you believe that there is always room in your heart for your first true love?
- my first true love is mike. he occupies all the room in my heart

3. Do you think your last ex deserves to die?
- we all deserve to die. depends when.. i dont know.

4. Why did you hug the last person you hugged?
- i forgot who i hugged

5. have unlimited texting?
- yeah its plan man gud. hehe

6. What is the song n ur mind and why?
- insomia... ahh haa ahhh..

7. Where will you be tom0rrow?
- at work for sure

8. Who are you calling?
- the hotel!

9. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
- of course. we never ran out of reasons.. so yeah

10. Are you mean?
- unintended..

11. Who do you trust the most in your life?
- God.

12. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
- Yes. Mike

13. Would you change your name?
- I love it, so NO

14. What is your zodiac sign?
- LIBRA

15. If the person who hurt you the most in your life apologized and told you they love you, what would you do?
- i probably love the person who at the same time hurts me the most. i accept apologies :)

16. Last time you had a yummy chocolate?
- some weeks ago

17. Do you feel like you're a good person?
- sometimes. lol

18. What good thing are you thinking right now?
- my rest day is a good thing to me

19. Do you like to have long hair or short hair? Why?
- average lang. hehe

20. What haircut on the opposite sex?
- clean lookin

21. Do you like french fries?
- yeah they're good

22. When is the next time you're going away?
- i dont know yet

23. When is your birthday?
- october 18, 1988. love my bday!hehe

24. Do you like to work with little kids?
- i super love it! i wish i can!!

27. What do you miss most about your past?
- being LAX at school with friends

28. Which ex do you miss?
- none

29. Are you going to search for a new girl/boyfriend now?
- why would i?

30. What's the last thing you ate?
- alot at Jacobo's with team mates

31. When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave u a hug?and who?
- prolly my bro

32. What do you carry with you at all times?
- money and fone

33. How does it feel when you see someone you love happy with somebody else?
- sickening!!

sorry :(

i wanted to ask for forgiveness to mike. i know i've never been good and i dont deserve him that much since i have a bad attitude... i dont know..

from mike’s blog

My Jorge

This time I had a new ways of getting a girl in a relationship. She may be far from me but didn’t matter. The girl was Filipino and I started to like her thouhghout my adventure of gangbanging. I never told her about my gangster life because she might change her mind about me and I don’t wanna lose her. Maybe in the future I will let her know about it. In that way, the more she knows me, the more she will understand how ive been thru shit in life. We always talked about school, share ideas, friends, and most of all the differences between our culture. I was amzed by their culture and she told me about Philippines. This girl is making accpeted and it made me get interested the good ways in life. She talks about religion and I never understand about good stuff in the bible. I learned that from her. We’ve been talking for the longest time time and shes the only person who i spent time longer than any other girl. I started to have feelings for her. I fall with this girl. But I coudnt tell her how i feel. Because she may see me only a friend and not beyond that. I’m brave when it comes to shooting and beating rival gangs senseless but I’m a coward pussycat when it comes to admitting how I feel about her.

change

December 18, 2007 · No Comments

The relationship between Jorge and me grow well. My life began to revolvev around that girl. I stopped going with my homeboys during the week. I only went to mandatory meetings and when I couldn’t spend time with her. I used school -work as my excuse for not hanging out with them. I avoided Ewelina and her pregnancy. None that I care about them. I didn’t want to do anything that would jeopardize my relationship with my girl. I felt like I was loved and I felt I had to be faithful. She always made me feel special. One time, I had to stay longer with Jorge because I wanted to spend time with her. That was when my brothers needed me. I used school work for an excuse. I knew I would have to get beat the shit out of me from them when I got out, but Jorge was worth it. She always tell me how much she love me. It felt so good, so wanted. I was in love.

The medias romance with the gangbangers. They were picked up by gang crimes unit detectives and taken to the Oprha Winfrey show, where they were to be guests. The subject of that particular show was gang banging. One of the kings were bragging about their gang affiliation and criminal involvement. Our brothers were not pleased of what they were bragging on the show. The next day, one of our brothers open fire at the house of the other kings who were at the show. All I heard was they moved to a different city to get away from shooting.

After graduating High school, I got a decent job and still keeping in touch with my girl for about 1 year and a half. I still hadn’t told her about my gang life. Been telling her all my exact activities with my friends except the bad ones. From drink binging, I was alcohol poisoned at some party as a result, I damamged my liver and was in coma for a week at the hospital. Luckily, I survived and decided to fix my life again.I Decided to take my crown out as a king. I never touched drugs. Never touched a gun and drink. My life was at a turning point. It was time to be a man.