Whatever the hell his reasons are, I see myself as a failure. Getting into a relationship with someone in their 30's is kinda tricky. This is mostly the age (idk whomever's chart formulated it) when someone would ideally settle down. Settling down may mean having a stable job, feeding your savings more, actually fulfilling your dreams, and may also mean getting yourself a lifetime partner. It may not be "getting" but most of the times "looking" for a perfect lifetime partner. I am on my mid twenties and I am in a "fun" but "pressured" state. Fun because its in my DNA to look and have fun and pressured in a way that I need to have a contingency plan in leading my life. Oh boy, why do we have to count life by age!
I consider myself a failure because I may not have done my best to be a good girlfriend. I consider myself a failure because I am stubborn and not so giving and forgiving to my partner. I consider myself as a failure because I let myself dive into a deeper trench instead of just staying in a shallow water. I consider myself a failure because I became too dependent. I consider myself a failure simply because I was not good enough.
The Libra In Me.
Now despite of these plights (all for the sake of love) I know that there's no way to go but be apart from each other. I knew it was all coming. I saw it. But when I finally heard it from him, through his mouth-- it sealed everything. Irrevocable. Its bound to happen. I have to deal with this shit sooner or later. No U-Turn no Detours. I dont want him to change his plans, I dont want him to be pressured, I dont want him to say the things I wanna hear. I dont want him to make me feel better. I do want him to chase his dreams. I just want him gone because I want him to fulfill his goals without wasting any more time. I will be happy by then. Not now for sure. This is the most sensible thing to do. And i will come meet the day that I will be happy for him and I will be happy for myself. For choosing to let go and for choosing to admit that I not only failed myself in a relationship once but twice. Who knows, thrice?
I'll still love when I'm better but there's more loving needed for myself before anybody else. Maybe next time, I'll be the right one. :)
