cant cant cant cant cant

i dont know what have i gotten myself to.

i hate myself for loving mike so much.

its so hard because i cant get mad at him, i cant ask anything to him, i cant demand anything to him, i cant be the normal gf, i cant get upset, i dont have the right to intervene.. i dont.. i cant but its all my choice. most of all, i cant blame him. i cant. i blame myself, i pity myself coz i know i love him soo much even though its wrong, even though fate wont let us, i kept on pushing him to stay even if he frankly says he cant...

its soo painful but i know i cant count on him for this because this is all my choice and he's got nothing to do with this even if i badly want him to be with me in this. but it cant be..

the lack of options

its a disease. a state of mind. it best defines me. i cant seem to move from where i am right now. i cant seem to leave mike behind even when he always suggest it to me. Is it because i unconditionally love him or is it more because im afraid i would end up being alone. i cant seem to move my butt and leave ps because im scared of going beyond my comfort zone.. with all the familiarities and shit like that. sometimes im so eager to try out, to be independent and to be the person i always see myself of becoming. But the "lack of option" part is really eating me inside out.

mike always tell me that were not gunna work. And whatever will happen to us in the future, the credits will be all on me. I know from the moment i asked him to stay, its my responsibility if i get hurt. I know i cant blame him for he has been very frank to me since December. I dont want to give up on us because i live for our dreams and its just so sad because i also have a hard time convincing myself now. i know its bleak and we dont have anywhere to go to because i am not that girl. im not :(

back again!

It has been years since Sheena and I see each other. Blame it on her.. she changed majors. LOL. I mean, we did see each other when I was still in college (and when was that?.. like a year ago) and we just exchange our hellos which is quite weird for "best friends"! Oh I dont know but she's my confidante in first year college despite of our vast difference! I pretty miss her and I admit there were times that I felt like I wanna raise my brow to her because she's not talking to me anymore and she's been ignoring me. Well I was kinda hurt but life goes on for both of us. But anyway,.. we decided to catch up yesterday and yeah it was fun! Its so good to be back with her and catching up what's new and laughing over the old times. Geezz, sometimes the past creeps me but oh well, it makes me laugh more thinking bout those days where we use cake foundations on our face so just as to look presentable! I love going down memory lane with Sheena because she's one of the best things that ever happened to me in my college life. Well reason being why we never talked again was she shift majors and yeah I was left (obviously). The act of starting all over again and looking for prospects who could match my hype and the "leaving" part sucks but because God loves me.. He gave me more friends and im just.. THANKFUL! (LYn ,Chena, Bing and my ETOY-L)

But anyway, yesterday was one of the happiest because I get to hang out with these girls again! Its so good to be YOU with these people. I never thought we could ever think of a reunion but u know instead of putting too much thoughts on it, I just wanted to be grateful because I realized FRIENDSHIP never dies.

We decided to be spontaneous (but i still believed Bing had this pre-planned personally!- LOL) and hit the bowling alley. Sporty as I am (toink!) I welcomed the thought warmly but to no avail, i never had a successful strike, but oh well..

We went to IT park and attend to our gastronomic needs. Bing needs to go back to her dorm to get her books (law..law..law..) while Sheena and I went on our way to Shakeys...

my bunch of lunch minus the missing chicken! haha

Sheena had to go but I had a great time with Bing at Hebrews Coffee :). I wished to order Machiatto but for some reason the waiter doesnt seem like OK with my order asking me if I already tried their one shot Machiatto coffee.. weird!! so I ended up sipping Cappucino.. urgh!

I helped Bing take down notes for her midterms next week.. whoah i miss doing home works and beating deadlines and shit like that but Im very thankful as well that im done and over with it!

.....
it was perfect with friends :)


and i laugh like this :D :D

and lastly, whose that gurl playing like a PRO? haha

im soo excited!

the girls are goin out later!! :) pics will be posted soon as part of history

my tears

they are crazy! they fall all the time. gravity!!

im on TOP of.. Cebu!

my hair just covered my whole face for this perfect jump at Tops

my family :)

mumbles

i never had enough sleep and i was wondering i can have all the time in the world when im dead. LOL

I badly wanted to doze off but my mind is restless it wont give me peace of mind, instead tears welled up like hell and i will start feeling shitty. I guess im a fucked up person with a not so fuck up facade. Sometimes i lack reason to live and just wanted to be numb and just be.. gone!

I do wish i can fix things with myself coz im so tired of living in solitude blaming myself for being so unlucky when I know there are alot of things to be grateful about.

im getting crazier and crazier each fuckin day of my fuckin life i am in despair and im helpless!!