im an anxious person. im insecure. i mean most of us feels that way but i guess mine is a bit hazardous because im drowning on it. I always try to make sense of everything but sometimes, negativity blocks me and there i go, kill myself inside as if i glorify suicide. sometimes, i just hate myself. truly indeed that my worst enemy is ME. thing is, im the only person who can help myself and i know i shouldnt rely on to others. but what happens to ur "other half". there are moments when i would thought that we live by pairs in this world, that there will always be someone to catch you when you're falling and likewise. its like the concept of the see saw. there are points in my life that i become so tired to carry my own burden and wish someone would save me, but thats stupidity i guess. we carry on in this world no matter how battered we are, and we do it by ourselves. though we have our love ones to rely on, but the biggest friend u could have is your own self... and i should remember that.
my patience had been tested. ive been alone and ive never been dependent by someone else. its lonely most of the time but looking back until present, i deserve a pat in the back because i've managed the pain, the loneliness and the depression; thing is, im goin to give my ownself a pat in the back. its the reality. it hurts but i should learn to be happy and be strong on my own.
Come May, mike will leave for military and its crazy not hearing him for 2 months. i wish i haven't cared alot so it wont hurt and scare the hell out of me. I wanted to use my logic and validate the situation properly but its so hard having to feel what my heart's been telling me.
i would need to be strong for myself because this is for his future. he needs it to survive and finish school and i know both of us never wanted this and i shud remind myself with that to keep me sane and atleast strong.
its just that... i dont know what to do without having to talk to him. it feels like losing a part of me. i know i shud put myself together... i wish i can handle it. im so tired of crying. im so tired of being scared losing him...
i really just dont know..i dont know
