i also need recognition.
i also need assurance.
i also need a friend.
i also need your time.
i also need to feel special at times.
last night, i felt bad. and i dont hate anybody. i hate myself. ive been expecting too much and i hate myself. with all honesty, mike makes me happy. despite of the pain and trials, i am happy to have him. and i flunk because i depended my happiness to him and i feel upset when he cant meet my expectations. i dont blame the person, i blame myself for not being strong enough to be happy for my own. why would i still need other person to make me happy and when they disappoint us, i know we dont have the right to get mad because they dont have any responsibilities to us.
my day wont be complete without him emailing me. i would wait all day doing nothing and checking my fone like some crazy ass hoping he would message me and when he wont or when he cant i feel so upset. i like it when he message me and update me on things because i need to know because its the least that i can do. i dont have him near me, but sometimes it doesnt work for him. its clear he has his own life and here i am being a loser. im a loser and i hate myself. i cant get him out of my head and its crazy.
i just needed a little of his time but work is wearing him down and i know even the simplest of conversations dries out. i am happy talking to him but what i hate the most is the part that he cant be on that level. but who am i to demand? he doesnt have any responsibilities to me and i shud always remember that. i love him and whatever im feeling right now, he's out of it. i would never blame him for my stupidity. i just wish i could manage to be not so emotionally dependent on him and someday, would go on day by day without needing him. without being sad if he cant give me the time because he is tired. i cant change him and i dont want to change him. so i have to learn the lesson the hard way and stamp on my mind that he doesnt owe me anything and that i am strong enough not to be dependent on him. i would hope that someday, i could look back at this moment in my life and remember this part as something stupid and childish.. but then again, isnt this what love is all about? you need him to complete you? oh well,
que sera sera!
