paulo coelho

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. Its all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is feeling. Your feelings are part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

ME

i also need recognition.

i also need assurance.

i also need a friend.

i also need your time.

i also need to feel special at times.

last night, i felt bad. and i dont hate anybody. i hate myself. ive been expecting too much and i hate myself. with all honesty, mike makes me happy. despite of the pain and trials, i am happy to have him. and i flunk because i depended my happiness to him and i feel upset when he cant meet my expectations. i dont blame the person, i blame myself for not being strong enough to be happy for my own. why would i still need other person to make me happy and when they disappoint us, i know we dont have the right to get mad because they dont have any responsibilities to us.

my day wont be complete without him emailing me. i would wait all day doing nothing and checking my fone like some crazy ass hoping he would message me and when he wont or when he cant i feel so upset. i like it when he message me and update me on things because i need to know because its the least that i can do. i dont have him near me, but sometimes it doesnt work for him. its clear he has his own life and here i am being a loser. im a loser and i hate myself. i cant get him out of my head and its crazy.

i just needed a little of his time but work is wearing him down and i know even the simplest of conversations dries out. i am happy talking to him but what i hate the most is the part that he cant be on that level. but who am i to demand? he doesnt have any responsibilities to me and i shud always remember that. i love him and whatever im feeling right now, he's out of it. i would never blame him for my stupidity. i just wish i could manage to be not so emotionally dependent on him and someday, would go on day by day without needing him. without being sad if he cant give me the time because he is tired. i cant change him and i dont want to change him. so i have to learn the lesson the hard way and stamp on my mind that he doesnt owe me anything and that i am strong enough not to be dependent on him. i would hope that someday, i could look back at this moment in my life and remember this part as something stupid and childish.. but then again, isnt this what love is all about? you need him to complete you? oh well,

que sera sera!

dear you,

i am so sorry if there are times that we ran out of words. the silence kills you i know. im so sorry if all i do to you is add more head ache and pain, though thats the last thing i want to do.

i understand how tiring your work is. believe me i do. i remember when i was working, work eats me up and i know how it feels to be so exhausted and sick of your goddamn job. you've been working for years without a break and i know it must be really really tiring on your part. i am sorry. i just wish i can do something to lighten up your load because i know you've been through alot. it honestly hurts me having to know how fed up you are yet u need to work and it hurts coz i cant do anything about it. i love you so much it hurts knowing about all these. i know you are always tired from work and you dont need someone like me to add more of your burden. when ur mad at me, i feel like im useless. God knows how much i would just like to set aside my feelings so that u can express and do what u want to atleast make light of the things. I would be happy to do whatever u want and need so just as to prove to you that i love you and im so sorry if there are alot of times that ive been selfish and not giving you these. There are just times that im so emotional that ive been selfish not considering your situation, but i also have my own feelings and no matter how i would just like to take it for granted i cant help it and im so sorry.

i know ive been stupid for relying so much on you and i know sometimes ur annoyed by that. ive been working on it and i hope i'd be better on it through time. you taught me alot and i thank you for that.

no matter what happened, i love you and no one can change that.

my peace of mind

im an anxious person. im insecure. i mean most of us feels that way but i guess mine is a bit hazardous because im drowning on it. I always try to make sense of everything but sometimes, negativity blocks me and there i go, kill myself inside as if i glorify suicide. sometimes, i just hate myself. truly indeed that my worst enemy is ME. thing is, im the only person who can help myself and i know i shouldnt rely on to others. but what happens to ur "other half". there are moments when i would thought that we live by pairs in this world, that there will always be someone to catch you when you're falling and likewise. its like the concept of the see saw. there are points in my life that i become so tired to carry my own burden and wish someone would save me, but thats stupidity i guess. we carry on in this world no matter how battered we are, and we do it by ourselves. though we have our love ones to rely on, but the biggest friend u could have is your own self... and i should remember that.

my patience had been tested. ive been alone and ive never been dependent by someone else. its lonely most of the time but looking back until present, i deserve a pat in the back because i've managed the pain, the loneliness and the depression; thing is, im goin to give my ownself a pat in the back. its the reality. it hurts but i should learn to be happy and be strong on my own.

Come May, mike will leave for military and its crazy not hearing him for 2 months. i wish i haven't cared alot so it wont hurt and scare the hell out of me. I wanted to use my logic and validate the situation properly but its so hard having to feel what my heart's been telling me.

i would need to be strong for myself because this is for his future. he needs it to survive and finish school and i know both of us never wanted this and i shud remind myself with that to keep me sane and atleast strong.

its just that... i dont know what to do without having to talk to him. it feels like losing a part of me. i know i shud put myself together... i wish i can handle it. im so tired of crying. im so tired of being scared losing him...

i really just dont know..i dont know

being judged

i hate it when im being judge especially with my family. it hurts but they cant let me down! i might hurt but i'llstand up even on my fuckin own. i'd rather be alone than be surrounded by judgmental people...

dear you,

if anytime sooner we fall apart, its not because I fell out of love. i'd love you too much that I made you my world and I know it didnt help u to love me back. I'd stray too much in loving you that it left me nothing but pain. pain that eats me up day by day, an unnecessary kind of pain. of course you deserve ur own private space and i've been violating it. i know this is my fault, but as mush as i would love to put things in logic, i cant help it. Im paranoid. well, you're always the one who is more rational in this relationship and im nothing but a pain to you. Ive been acting too much, closing in soo much of ur time and space, and i know you've been runnin out of air to breath. I cant make you hate me so i'd rather go away. You always say i dont deserve you, but i always think of it as non sense because i've accepted your past and present long before and i thought im ready, but i overlooked things and didnt know that it might be you who doesnt deserve a girl like me. You deserve someone who can give and show you the love that you wanted. You deserve someone who could sync with you in all things. i swear i tried my best but guess it didnt work. I tried to listen to your songs, to the tv shows u like, the games u like, ur lifestyle and everything but i guess it didnt work. thought we can grow together but i guess this is just quite a long stop over in ur life. i know u ran out of reasons to love me because im a freak and we always fight. I always thought its a part of the relationship until i felt that i dont work for you anymore. and i have to let go even though its like shutting my world down and starting all over again and hoping someday i could smile at it and say to myself atleast i made you happy. i love u so much that it hurts :(

Feels Like Home

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself

Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms

There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast

Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been

And how long I've been so alone

And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along

And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street

And a siren wails in the night

But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me

And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me

And how long I've waited for your touch

And if you knew how happy you are making me

I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

- Im waiting for the right time to sing this song for u :) my future home

Hey little cute thing

She learning the comp.

Im so worried bout Hershey coz she barely ate nor drink yesterday. I figured she wants to poop but is having a hard time thats why she wasnt touching her food at all.

and about a few hours, she did poop and I was thankful because after that, she atleast drank water and I was relief (though she didnt touch her food). So i was thinking if puppies would like varieties and if we can switch one kind of dog food to another so that she wont be fed up in eating the same thing everyday.

When I woke up this morning, she made me smile and we played a little though I cant really make a big space of our living room as her playground. She made me happy and everytime I see her, I was like "hey little cute thing". I dont know much about taking care of pets coz this is my first time but i hope Hershey would feel that I am doing well in taking care of her. *smooch smooch!!

:(

hi blog :)

i spent the night with chena and bing, and i honestly am happy being with them. I am most of myself when I dance :D:D we had a fun time at cabanas and we're just dancin and singing our hearts out. I love it when I forget my worries and anxieties. I love it!

on the other hand, im also sad because Mike wont talk to me anymore. Its all my fault I guess. God knows how much I wanted him to stay and the thought of him leaving me shatters the whole of me... oh gosh i hope i can stop the tears in my eyes.. i just had a fuckin good time awhile ago and now im feeling so empty and crushed because I know Mike will leave me. He will and I blame myself for not being a good girlfriend to him...

wish i was alot better, more understanding, more caring, more attentive... its so painful i'll see it coming. He is leaving me :(

i hate myself. i hate myself.. i hate ME!!!!!!!!

...

Dear you,

i love u without knowing the reasons why.
I love u so much that i would be willing to do everything to make u happy and I know sometimes it hurts so bad especially when after all of these, i still cant earn ur trust. I hope my heart wont just hurt whenever u doubt at me, whenever u shoo me away, whenever u just stop talking to me, whenever u swear at me.

I know its not enough for you. But im running out of ways on how to prove to u that im also a person that ir worthy of ur trust.

I'll always be someone u can just yell at whenever you like. I'll always be someone who will beg for u not to leave me. I'll always be on ur mercy and honestly, I never thought i can do all of these just to keep u with me... I guess i just love u like that.

Im hoping that someday, u will recognize my efforts too, my loyalty and my worth as a person. I know u are just clouded by stress and I know that u've been trying so hard on ur part too. I know how it must have felt to be hurt by me. There's no easy path in here for either of us. Im just saddened that I cant be intimate with my feelings for u anymore, Im so broken having to realize that I cant speak my mind loudly to u starting this day on; that I cant be emotional to u anymore because u dont believe in me no more. What hurts the most is the fact that I dont believe to be treated this way by a person I expect to be the best confidant in this life. I know how a part of u lives in me for the last 4 years and its not enough for u :( You cant trust me and im mourning to that fact. I am.

Im always praying for the better. I hope we can patch up and realize things we needed to realize so that we can save this relationship, but if not, if I cant communicate to u the real me and if u really find it hard to trust me, then maybe its time for us to let go even if its the last thing I wanna do :(

I might get crushed by our problems and issues but i'll try my very best to be strong and try my very best to keep you until u ask me to just go away :(

i love u so much and i miss u

all at once

Im just saddened about what happened this morning. My mom scolded me because im too lazy and she said I just kept on facing the comp the whole time. I know she doesnt want me to be a bum coz you see I dont have work right now. I quit. And being a person that I am, I dont talk back even though I was really about to. I just cant let those words out of my mouth and it cripples me so I just cry. Well, I just woke up and she's cleaning the fridge, why would she let me do the work for her. And, Im at the comp the whole time because I stay up at night and for the record, I've been up at night for almost a year now and its hard for me to adjust! Its fuckin hard. Why cant she just let me do the chores a little after i wake up? I know im being a hassle coz im useless coz I dont have work but I deserve to have a break and she shouldnt nag coz its annoying and its killing me... I actually decided to just go away and stay at Chena's place but she actually pacified me and it helped alot :):)

Well she is always been a big sister to me though the idea of moving to her place for a week might not be too appealing. So i've been crying like crazy on my bed coz i felt like my mom doesnt understand me and I never even got the chance to say bye-bye to my sister who was on her way to Manila :(

Anyway, my mom got home with a Shi Tzu puppy for me!!!! and im soo happy like this ^_________^

"When mistrust comes in, love goes out..."

I know Mike dont want to lose me. But we always have some trust issues and sometimes, im tired of being doubted by him. Im tired of him scrutinizing my sincerity. Im so tired of earning his trust and Im almost giving up. Sometimes, it causes self destruction and it makes me feel im not trustworthy at all. Im so fuckin hurt its ripping my heart out but i should know that if it hurts me, it must have hurt him more :( why cant we keep things simple? *sigh

i wish i can make things right for him or i wish i can just walk away :(:(

on my own

I have an online friend I met years ago and I still keep him on my contact list. Though we dont talk alot online, there are times that I guess he felt bored and would pm me. There will also times when i take that opportunity to make myself occupied when Im online and got nothing to do. I pretty much know some things bout his life since he was a talker and I admit there are moments that I find his story interesting but forgive my honesty, I get bored having long talks with him. Anyways, just recently we had a talked and while listening to him, I found myself having the same dilemma. He wanted to get away. He wanted to have a life separate from the life he had known. In other words, he wants to escape. Okay, to make it more understandable, he was about to get married but he needs to go somewhere for school but her fiance broke off the engagement. He always tell me not to give everything to a person unless you are married. And from listening to him, I believe how deeply hurt he has been and how empty he might have felt for not leaving anything for himself. Now she's gone, he just wants to escape. I was then thinking bout his shattered plans and unfulfilled dreams... Then I realize how broken is he.

I dont want to consider myself broken... not yet. I know there's more life can offer but im scared like hell to see myself broken in pieces and the bad thing is that, i always see it coming. Sometimes, I feel like im heading that way and loneliness sets in. I get tired of loneliness but it seems like it wont leave me alone...

So yeah, I got him. He wants to live somewhere far where nobody knows him. Exactly what I want to do. I want to be far away start something new and finally find my happy place here on earth. Its not that I loathe my family, I just felt like i needed to start again and i have to find my own happiness. ---

I found this post not finished as of Janury 29 2012... so im posting this.. I deactivated my yahoo email address but this is his BLOG . Anyweiz, I find this unposted blog amazing because it was written right before he set his journey to cycle china-russia. looks like someone is doing something to fulfill their dreams. Now after 2 years from the date of this post, he definitely made it and im still on the same spot. i got inspired and im real happy for him. really awesome. I wish i can say HI to him again. real awesome guy!

crazyy

I got the time to think how i sometimes act like crazy to Mike. I know there are moments that he feels im being too much. Say when he goes out with friends, I want him to be home not so late or I want him to email me from time to time. Or, he should not sleep but instead spend time with me. Or, when I count the hours he spent in the gym. There are times I heard myself rant and nag at him and I know im being unfair and I know I should work on that. There's always something in me that forgets about being rational and just go with whatever i feel at that moment (most of the time, negative feelings).

I know im being too much on him and i would need to loosen up because im hurting both of us :(

leaving...

The ability to be happy is nothing other than the ability to come to terms with how things change

For the past weeks, there are things I wish I'd turned to words because im actually closing a chapter of my life. I know this aint a big deal but for me, I could perhaps pick something valuable out of it. Well, I quit work. Effective March 15. For a person like me who always has a little say on everything, I left work like nothing happened. I know I would miss it and there's always an afterthought at the back of my mind of having to ask myself if I did the right thing. Good thing, I always answer back a very resounding YES to it. I mean there's no regrets or whatsoever because I never liked it there anyway. What I am very worried about is of course, which path to choose because luckily, i think there are alot of opportunities for me; i just have to work and explore on it. (am i just being too positive here?lol) The thing is, Im in a position where i caught myself in the middle of nowhere (that can be hard). I tell you, sometimes, its hard for a person to tell what he/she wants and it tortured me like crazy!

Back to the topic though, I will surely miss the people I worked with at APS. When I say I didnt like it there, Im talking about the stress, having to wake up all night and doing all those shit and being paid less. I think I deserve more. If I would have to do those, I think I should be compensated a justifiable amount :D (lets be practical here).

Thanks to Sup Janry. My mentor. He is like a big brother to me though I can be bold when im with him. He was more than my mentor but I also found a friend in him. I always feel lucky to have him as a supervisor and im sure the rest of the team also felt the same. He made my stay worth the while and I couldn't seem to find any person as passionate and SMART like him. Thanks so much sup for the great friendship and the opportunity to work harmoniously with you. You are indeed an asset in the company and they couldnt be more than lucky to have you around.

To the ORIGINAL FORCE MAJUERE. Thanks for the great friendship. I never looked at you as my co workers but my friends. I enjoyed how dynamic and different we are yet we still manage to have a good working relationship. I might be a little mean sometimes but rest assured, what we had are valued and treasured and i dont care if the feeling is mutual or not (LOL). I will surely miss the times we had together as friends; the jokes, the emails, the rumbling and mumbling, the kulitan (esp Mark). I would love to go down to memory lane happily recalling the things we did together especially how Sup Janry injected self confidence and unwaivering trust in our capabilities. I enjoyed the fact that we are the first team for year 2009 for nesting, abay and ops and we stood still and thats because we owe it alot to Sup Janry and of course, each of us is smart and deserving to have the job :) I could write forever but anyways, I will miss u guys and sail on :) Mingawun ko ni Steph, Lora, Jay, Hope, Raf, Geo, and mao ra. hahaha

For the 2nd batch of Force Majuere: Thanks guys for being nice :)

For Denny: Im so sorry if nad duda imong uyab.. hahaha.. MAO RA kay cge kag pangaway nako always accusing me nga nag adis2x ko bsag ilok ra ni dudz ako. hahahahaha

Well i have alot of soul searching to do... I'll be back for more :)

things unsaid

The ability to be happy is nothing other than the ability to come to terms with how things change

For the past weeks, there are things I wish I'd turned to words because im actually closing a chapter of my life. I know this aint a big deal but for me, I could perhaps pick something valuable out of it. Well, I quit work. Effective March 15. For a person like me who always has a little say on everything, I left work like nothing happened. I know I would miss it and there's always an afterthought at the back of my mind of having to ask myself if I did the right thing. Good thing, I always answer back a very resounding YES to it. I mean there's no regrets or whatsoever because I never liked it there anyway. What I am very worried about is of course, which path to choose because luckily, i think there are alot of opportunities for me; i just have to work and explore on it. (am i just being too positive here?lol) The thing is, Im in a position where i caught myself in the middle of nowhere (that can be hard). I tell you, sometimes, its hard for a person to tell what he/she wants and it tortured me like crazy!

Back to the topic though, I will surely miss the people I worked with at APS. When I say I didnt like it there, Im talking about the stress, having to wake up all night and doing all those shit and being paid less. I think I deserve more. If I would have to do those, I think I should be compensated a justifiable amount :D (lets be practical here).

Thanks to Sup Janry. My mentor. He is like a big brother to me though I can be bold when im with him. He was more than my mentor but I also found a friend in him. I always feel lucky to have him as a supervisor and im sure the rest of the team also felt the same. He made my stay worth the while and I couldn't seem to find any person as passionate and SMART like him. Thanks so much sup for the great friendship and the opportunity to work harmoniously with you. You are indeed an asset in the company and they couldnt be more than lucky to have you around.

Well i have alot of soul searching to do.

**03/14/10- found this post in my DRAFT items, this happens to be the oldest entry and I didnt know why i fail to upload this.. hehehe