I know im writing again because of Mike. Sometimes, it makes me hate my self for being who I am when it comes to stuff about him. Most of the time, I write my frustrations just to cope up. I am just so bad at decision making. I mean, who would go this far... THIS FAR.
I met him online about 5 Decembers ago. Just like me, he also have his own battle in life that always makes him decide just to stop talking to me. The thing is, I am so INTO him and it hurts me so much because I know I cant leave him... i cant stand the thought of not talking to him; of not meeting him one day. We've been dreaming alot and now I cant seem to wake up and get back to reality.
Last Christmas, he broke up with me because he doesnt want me to wait for him anymore. He doesnt have the resources to do so. It hit me so hard. You know that feeling when u have all your hopes up and just one day its all gone. I cant seem to understand or its so hard for me to believe I've waited for nothing. I cant say he LIED to me because I understand the situation. Let me repeat, I UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION, i must admit sometimes i dont get HIM because I never had the kind of life that he has.
I know im stupid for begging him to come back. I told him we can just be like this for the longest time. I told him im not goin to wait for him then just to make him stay... and i guess, I love him that much. And i know, from that time on, any failures in our relationship should be blamed all on me. And i know any form of failed expectation whether its BIG or not is self inflicted and Mike doesnt have to do anything about it. It is honestly very hard on my part but I dont have the right to complain because this was all my choice. If im just strong enough to walk away, I'll trade everything just to moved on and not Bullshit Mike anymore. But, you will STAY for the one you love right?
Will I make Mike happy if we just forget each other? I dont want to be the one who will give up on him and I wonder if letting him go would make a big difference and positive impact on him. Like, he would not feel guilty anymore because there's no one waiting for him. Like, he can start fresh and maybe meet someone that can understand him more; someone with the same background; someone whose not clingy like me. In other words, someone I am not.
Maybe I can carry on... I dont know :(
I just want to be the right person for him. I cant seem to picture everything if i shut him out of my life. So its either I'll forever wonder what could've been or forever wait for something that is not likely to happen..
Im so hurt because I always let him feel that I am not the right person who can understand him.
