diaries

(i dont know why i cant drag the pic down at the bottom).

But anyway, when ur in high school, ur a freak by writing down a boy's name in bold letters. *jesus. lol

...are like wines.

They get better once you discover them in one of your boxes. Lying there torn and old (with entries of course). I was so entertained going down memory lane yesterday when i decided to clean up. I found a diary i made when i was in high school. So I really took time reading it and it wowed me big time. hahaha

Geez, most of the things I wrote at that time seemed to be so pathetic to me right now. But hey, that's high school. It talked so much about friendship and crushes. Damn, its soo ewwish. ahahahaha. In totality though, it reminds me of the movie i watched with Mitch the other day. The Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Mitch said we can hardly relate since we dont have middle school and the culture is different as well. I agree with Mitch but the real essence of the transition is not really those but the fact that every kid must have struggled on that certain point of their lives. Struggles finding their identity and of course the struggle to choose where they should belong.

Putting the feelings to paper helped alot. Its a way of coping up and keeping up with your feelings too. And im more than greatful to keep one with me. I might not be able to feel exactly what i felt in the past but i have my diary to help me figure what kind of person was i in the past and connect it to my present. Its like being on a time machine... the wonders of a diary...

its all i ask from you

I dont know how to put up with a conversation when all i get from him is "ok". I cant take it anymore. Im not the type of person who'd push myself to someone. If he's not interested, then im not interested too. He didnt know what I have given up just to spend time with him but whenever we talked, i dont feel like talking to him and i know he felt the same way. (that's how i really feel). What irritates me is that im not asking for more yet he cant give me those little things i need from him. Everything started to be boring between us, and maybe im starting to wake up that i may have just love the idea of him or circumstances makes us love the person less. He has been the subject of my every thoughts and he has been the only person in my heart but what can we do, were so restricted to just chatting online. For 4 years topics ran out, talks become so dry and he doesnt understand that i need more assurance than ever because im a girl and because this is a long distance relationship. he always stressed out that he wants a normal relationship. he always wants to treat our relationship normal when in fact, this is never normal to me. I just wanted to be given credits on what ive done for our relationship but im not getting any of those from him. It makes me so tired. He doesnt know that im so fuck up that i dont know what i should do in my life while he is trying to fix his. I know this has been too much when all i need to do is to support his endeavors. I wish its simple as that. but no. its harder.

i ditch my dream to be with him in the future because its too much to ask especially in our situation. so i ditch it. its so hard to wake up everyday with that fact. Its like living a life with no goal at all. its like wasting 3 years of holding on to him and realizing that there can never be more than just talking online. But because of his situation right now, i needed to understand him more than anything else and put my feelings off the table. its hard to hold on but i did it because i love him so much and i have to be honest, he made me happy despite all the hardships of being alone. I have to be alone and i cry alone every night wishing someone will be there to tell me it would be okay.. i may have endured it. Honestly, im so tired now. but who am i to complain. who am i to ask credits from him. this is all a matter of choice. i just wish he has been with me in all this; to tell me to be strong for us, to tell me it would be alright, to tell me it would be fine. instead im always given the cold fact that its my call, that i can do whatever i want. whenever he say that to me, he makes me feel more alone and its the most painful feeling ever having to be slapped with that fact in my face by the only person i love so much. then maybe he is right. im alone in this when all i thought we're a team. it sucks :(

i have hard feelings in my heart but my mind tells me that he might have said those simply because he cant offer me anything. ive been expecting too much but still, it boils down to one thing, im alone in this. i wish i can just forget the pain and thank him for being honest to me. the earlier the better. he never cared about my feelings. he just wants me to just understand and understand him without understanding me. without understanding that ALL of these things might be emotional to me. to hell with it, i dont care anymore. im just goin to let the pain linger and hopefully by God's grace get over it!

im so damn confuse and its killing me...

babe I love you :D

No this is not the movie. that's for my boyfriend.

I am in a point in life where I would need to be strong (again) and face new challenges. Mike will be goin to military training in about a month from now and it honestly scared the hell out of me.

I need to take part of the sacrifices. its not goin to be so easy with both of us and im sure im goin to struggle hard.. BIG TIME! the fact is eating me up day by day and its crazy. I love him so much that it hurts me not talking to him. I know I shouldn't expect a future for us but it hurts me so bad having to know that the only thing im holding on is slipping away. But i love him much that i would be willing to let go of him. to improve his life so that he can live the life he always wanted. seeing the situation, I never have seen my place in the big picture but whatever that is, i always thinks he deserves it and i'l always remember how he loves me soo much.

welcome to my life!!!

it sucks to be in misery

i just came home from my vacation and missed mike alot. looking forward for our talk but it turned out bad and we fought. i missed him so much and excited to talk to him about everything on my vacation and would want to show him some pics but i know he is not that interested. I was at all very excited to talk to him bout it :(

hahayz... i wish i could have him to be interested in what i say and sometimes i would wish he would also extend his patience on me. i know im stupid for not remembering his schedule and i might have pissed him and God knows i never have the intention to do so. small things like this makes me think how things between us is so fragile...

pls God give me more strength to hold on...

paulo coelho

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. Its all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is feeling. Your feelings are part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

ME

i also need recognition.

i also need assurance.

i also need a friend.

i also need your time.

i also need to feel special at times.

last night, i felt bad. and i dont hate anybody. i hate myself. ive been expecting too much and i hate myself. with all honesty, mike makes me happy. despite of the pain and trials, i am happy to have him. and i flunk because i depended my happiness to him and i feel upset when he cant meet my expectations. i dont blame the person, i blame myself for not being strong enough to be happy for my own. why would i still need other person to make me happy and when they disappoint us, i know we dont have the right to get mad because they dont have any responsibilities to us.

my day wont be complete without him emailing me. i would wait all day doing nothing and checking my fone like some crazy ass hoping he would message me and when he wont or when he cant i feel so upset. i like it when he message me and update me on things because i need to know because its the least that i can do. i dont have him near me, but sometimes it doesnt work for him. its clear he has his own life and here i am being a loser. im a loser and i hate myself. i cant get him out of my head and its crazy.

i just needed a little of his time but work is wearing him down and i know even the simplest of conversations dries out. i am happy talking to him but what i hate the most is the part that he cant be on that level. but who am i to demand? he doesnt have any responsibilities to me and i shud always remember that. i love him and whatever im feeling right now, he's out of it. i would never blame him for my stupidity. i just wish i could manage to be not so emotionally dependent on him and someday, would go on day by day without needing him. without being sad if he cant give me the time because he is tired. i cant change him and i dont want to change him. so i have to learn the lesson the hard way and stamp on my mind that he doesnt owe me anything and that i am strong enough not to be dependent on him. i would hope that someday, i could look back at this moment in my life and remember this part as something stupid and childish.. but then again, isnt this what love is all about? you need him to complete you? oh well,

que sera sera!