I dont know how to put up with a conversation when all i get from him is "ok". I cant take it anymore. Im not the type of person who'd push myself to someone. If he's not interested, then im not interested too. He didnt know what I have given up just to spend time with him but whenever we talked, i dont feel like talking to him and i know he felt the same way. (that's how i really feel). What irritates me is that im not asking for more yet he cant give me those little things i need from him. Everything started to be boring between us, and maybe im starting to wake up that i may have just love the idea of him or circumstances makes us love the person less. He has been the subject of my every thoughts and he has been the only person in my heart but what can we do, were so restricted to just chatting online. For 4 years topics ran out, talks become so dry and he doesnt understand that i need more assurance than ever because im a girl and because this is a long distance relationship. he always stressed out that he wants a normal relationship. he always wants to treat our relationship normal when in fact, this is never normal to me. I just wanted to be given credits on what ive done for our relationship but im not getting any of those from him. It makes me so tired. He doesnt know that im so fuck up that i dont know what i should do in my life while he is trying to fix his. I know this has been too much when all i need to do is to support his endeavors. I wish its simple as that. but no. its harder.
i ditch my dream to be with him in the future because its too much to ask especially in our situation. so i ditch it. its so hard to wake up everyday with that fact. Its like living a life with no goal at all. its like wasting 3 years of holding on to him and realizing that there can never be more than just talking online. But because of his situation right now, i needed to understand him more than anything else and put my feelings off the table. its hard to hold on but i did it because i love him so much and i have to be honest, he made me happy despite all the hardships of being alone. I have to be alone and i cry alone every night wishing someone will be there to tell me it would be okay.. i may have endured it. Honestly, im so tired now. but who am i to complain. who am i to ask credits from him. this is all a matter of choice. i just wish he has been with me in all this; to tell me to be strong for us, to tell me it would be alright, to tell me it would be fine. instead im always given the cold fact that its my call, that i can do whatever i want. whenever he say that to me, he makes me feel more alone and its the most painful feeling ever having to be slapped with that fact in my face by the only person i love so much. then maybe he is right. im alone in this when all i thought we're a team. it sucks :(
i have hard feelings in my heart but my mind tells me that he might have said those simply because he cant offer me anything. ive been expecting too much but still, it boils down to one thing, im alone in this. i wish i can just forget the pain and thank him for being honest to me. the earlier the better. he never cared about my feelings. he just wants me to just understand and understand him without understanding me. without understanding that ALL of these things might be emotional to me. to hell with it, i dont care anymore. im just goin to let the pain linger and hopefully by God's grace get over it!
im so damn confuse and its killing me...
