...

Dear you,

i love u without knowing the reasons why.
I love u so much that i would be willing to do everything to make u happy and I know sometimes it hurts so bad especially when after all of these, i still cant earn ur trust. I hope my heart wont just hurt whenever u doubt at me, whenever u shoo me away, whenever u just stop talking to me, whenever u swear at me.

I know its not enough for you. But im running out of ways on how to prove to u that im also a person that ir worthy of ur trust.

I'll always be someone u can just yell at whenever you like. I'll always be someone who will beg for u not to leave me. I'll always be on ur mercy and honestly, I never thought i can do all of these just to keep u with me... I guess i just love u like that.

Im hoping that someday, u will recognize my efforts too, my loyalty and my worth as a person. I know u are just clouded by stress and I know that u've been trying so hard on ur part too. I know how it must have felt to be hurt by me. There's no easy path in here for either of us. Im just saddened that I cant be intimate with my feelings for u anymore, Im so broken having to realize that I cant speak my mind loudly to u starting this day on; that I cant be emotional to u anymore because u dont believe in me no more. What hurts the most is the fact that I dont believe to be treated this way by a person I expect to be the best confidant in this life. I know how a part of u lives in me for the last 4 years and its not enough for u :( You cant trust me and im mourning to that fact. I am.

Im always praying for the better. I hope we can patch up and realize things we needed to realize so that we can save this relationship, but if not, if I cant communicate to u the real me and if u really find it hard to trust me, then maybe its time for us to let go even if its the last thing I wanna do :(

I might get crushed by our problems and issues but i'll try my very best to be strong and try my very best to keep you until u ask me to just go away :(

i love u so much and i miss u

all at once

Im just saddened about what happened this morning. My mom scolded me because im too lazy and she said I just kept on facing the comp the whole time. I know she doesnt want me to be a bum coz you see I dont have work right now. I quit. And being a person that I am, I dont talk back even though I was really about to. I just cant let those words out of my mouth and it cripples me so I just cry. Well, I just woke up and she's cleaning the fridge, why would she let me do the work for her. And, Im at the comp the whole time because I stay up at night and for the record, I've been up at night for almost a year now and its hard for me to adjust! Its fuckin hard. Why cant she just let me do the chores a little after i wake up? I know im being a hassle coz im useless coz I dont have work but I deserve to have a break and she shouldnt nag coz its annoying and its killing me... I actually decided to just go away and stay at Chena's place but she actually pacified me and it helped alot :):)

Well she is always been a big sister to me though the idea of moving to her place for a week might not be too appealing. So i've been crying like crazy on my bed coz i felt like my mom doesnt understand me and I never even got the chance to say bye-bye to my sister who was on her way to Manila :(

Anyway, my mom got home with a Shi Tzu puppy for me!!!! and im soo happy like this ^_________^

"When mistrust comes in, love goes out..."

I know Mike dont want to lose me. But we always have some trust issues and sometimes, im tired of being doubted by him. Im tired of him scrutinizing my sincerity. Im so tired of earning his trust and Im almost giving up. Sometimes, it causes self destruction and it makes me feel im not trustworthy at all. Im so fuckin hurt its ripping my heart out but i should know that if it hurts me, it must have hurt him more :( why cant we keep things simple? *sigh

i wish i can make things right for him or i wish i can just walk away :(:(

on my own

I have an online friend I met years ago and I still keep him on my contact list. Though we dont talk alot online, there are times that I guess he felt bored and would pm me. There will also times when i take that opportunity to make myself occupied when Im online and got nothing to do. I pretty much know some things bout his life since he was a talker and I admit there are moments that I find his story interesting but forgive my honesty, I get bored having long talks with him. Anyways, just recently we had a talked and while listening to him, I found myself having the same dilemma. He wanted to get away. He wanted to have a life separate from the life he had known. In other words, he wants to escape. Okay, to make it more understandable, he was about to get married but he needs to go somewhere for school but her fiance broke off the engagement. He always tell me not to give everything to a person unless you are married. And from listening to him, I believe how deeply hurt he has been and how empty he might have felt for not leaving anything for himself. Now she's gone, he just wants to escape. I was then thinking bout his shattered plans and unfulfilled dreams... Then I realize how broken is he.

I dont want to consider myself broken... not yet. I know there's more life can offer but im scared like hell to see myself broken in pieces and the bad thing is that, i always see it coming. Sometimes, I feel like im heading that way and loneliness sets in. I get tired of loneliness but it seems like it wont leave me alone...

So yeah, I got him. He wants to live somewhere far where nobody knows him. Exactly what I want to do. I want to be far away start something new and finally find my happy place here on earth. Its not that I loathe my family, I just felt like i needed to start again and i have to find my own happiness. ---

I found this post not finished as of Janury 29 2012... so im posting this.. I deactivated my yahoo email address but this is his BLOG . Anyweiz, I find this unposted blog amazing because it was written right before he set his journey to cycle china-russia. looks like someone is doing something to fulfill their dreams. Now after 2 years from the date of this post, he definitely made it and im still on the same spot. i got inspired and im real happy for him. really awesome. I wish i can say HI to him again. real awesome guy!

crazyy

I got the time to think how i sometimes act like crazy to Mike. I know there are moments that he feels im being too much. Say when he goes out with friends, I want him to be home not so late or I want him to email me from time to time. Or, he should not sleep but instead spend time with me. Or, when I count the hours he spent in the gym. There are times I heard myself rant and nag at him and I know im being unfair and I know I should work on that. There's always something in me that forgets about being rational and just go with whatever i feel at that moment (most of the time, negative feelings).

I know im being too much on him and i would need to loosen up because im hurting both of us :(

leaving...

The ability to be happy is nothing other than the ability to come to terms with how things change

For the past weeks, there are things I wish I'd turned to words because im actually closing a chapter of my life. I know this aint a big deal but for me, I could perhaps pick something valuable out of it. Well, I quit work. Effective March 15. For a person like me who always has a little say on everything, I left work like nothing happened. I know I would miss it and there's always an afterthought at the back of my mind of having to ask myself if I did the right thing. Good thing, I always answer back a very resounding YES to it. I mean there's no regrets or whatsoever because I never liked it there anyway. What I am very worried about is of course, which path to choose because luckily, i think there are alot of opportunities for me; i just have to work and explore on it. (am i just being too positive here?lol) The thing is, Im in a position where i caught myself in the middle of nowhere (that can be hard). I tell you, sometimes, its hard for a person to tell what he/she wants and it tortured me like crazy!

Back to the topic though, I will surely miss the people I worked with at APS. When I say I didnt like it there, Im talking about the stress, having to wake up all night and doing all those shit and being paid less. I think I deserve more. If I would have to do those, I think I should be compensated a justifiable amount :D (lets be practical here).

Thanks to Sup Janry. My mentor. He is like a big brother to me though I can be bold when im with him. He was more than my mentor but I also found a friend in him. I always feel lucky to have him as a supervisor and im sure the rest of the team also felt the same. He made my stay worth the while and I couldn't seem to find any person as passionate and SMART like him. Thanks so much sup for the great friendship and the opportunity to work harmoniously with you. You are indeed an asset in the company and they couldnt be more than lucky to have you around.

To the ORIGINAL FORCE MAJUERE. Thanks for the great friendship. I never looked at you as my co workers but my friends. I enjoyed how dynamic and different we are yet we still manage to have a good working relationship. I might be a little mean sometimes but rest assured, what we had are valued and treasured and i dont care if the feeling is mutual or not (LOL). I will surely miss the times we had together as friends; the jokes, the emails, the rumbling and mumbling, the kulitan (esp Mark). I would love to go down to memory lane happily recalling the things we did together especially how Sup Janry injected self confidence and unwaivering trust in our capabilities. I enjoyed the fact that we are the first team for year 2009 for nesting, abay and ops and we stood still and thats because we owe it alot to Sup Janry and of course, each of us is smart and deserving to have the job :) I could write forever but anyways, I will miss u guys and sail on :) Mingawun ko ni Steph, Lora, Jay, Hope, Raf, Geo, and mao ra. hahaha

For the 2nd batch of Force Majuere: Thanks guys for being nice :)

For Denny: Im so sorry if nad duda imong uyab.. hahaha.. MAO RA kay cge kag pangaway nako always accusing me nga nag adis2x ko bsag ilok ra ni dudz ako. hahahahaha

Well i have alot of soul searching to do... I'll be back for more :)

things unsaid

The ability to be happy is nothing other than the ability to come to terms with how things change

For the past weeks, there are things I wish I'd turned to words because im actually closing a chapter of my life. I know this aint a big deal but for me, I could perhaps pick something valuable out of it. Well, I quit work. Effective March 15. For a person like me who always has a little say on everything, I left work like nothing happened. I know I would miss it and there's always an afterthought at the back of my mind of having to ask myself if I did the right thing. Good thing, I always answer back a very resounding YES to it. I mean there's no regrets or whatsoever because I never liked it there anyway. What I am very worried about is of course, which path to choose because luckily, i think there are alot of opportunities for me; i just have to work and explore on it. (am i just being too positive here?lol) The thing is, Im in a position where i caught myself in the middle of nowhere (that can be hard). I tell you, sometimes, its hard for a person to tell what he/she wants and it tortured me like crazy!

Back to the topic though, I will surely miss the people I worked with at APS. When I say I didnt like it there, Im talking about the stress, having to wake up all night and doing all those shit and being paid less. I think I deserve more. If I would have to do those, I think I should be compensated a justifiable amount :D (lets be practical here).

Thanks to Sup Janry. My mentor. He is like a big brother to me though I can be bold when im with him. He was more than my mentor but I also found a friend in him. I always feel lucky to have him as a supervisor and im sure the rest of the team also felt the same. He made my stay worth the while and I couldn't seem to find any person as passionate and SMART like him. Thanks so much sup for the great friendship and the opportunity to work harmoniously with you. You are indeed an asset in the company and they couldnt be more than lucky to have you around.

Well i have alot of soul searching to do.

**03/14/10- found this post in my DRAFT items, this happens to be the oldest entry and I didnt know why i fail to upload this.. hehehe

im in love

I used to think that its kind of overrated. Until of course, I've proven myself wrong for tagging it as such. Love comes to all of us, in almost all shapes, almost all colors, almost every angle. Love is very profound that for the life of me, I can't even contain it in just a simple sentence. Yes it is. I've grown to realize how love could walk into someone else's door. I've seen some of its form in the many faces of people that are happy, in pain, and struggling for it. I've seen it through my parents, my sisters, my friends, through couples i see hand in hand, and to churches i pass by as a wedding is held. I've seen it through my friends' cries and pains. I've seen it through hatred and jealousy, through martyrdom... i've seen a thousand of movies about love and not one of them tells the same exact love story. It has different complications but its all about love.

I've seen alot about it. Surreal, ideal, perfect, happy endings, impossible and just.. just real. And it makes me ponder on to my own experience. What's my story, how did I find it, how did it come to me.

Yes, its Mike. He is my story. I found love in him. Four years of being with him, (not maybe literally) I am now in the point of my life ready to say that he is going to be the man I will fight for. (Girls could do that eh). He is no doubt the man God had given me to live for. I mean, if this is not love how else could i decently describe the passion to wait, the passion to understand him and the passion to accept him wholeheartedly without any judgments. With him, I feel like i can beat all the odds. Loving someone is a decision and you would need to make a stand. I wanna stay in love with him. In him, I feel i could face up all the challenges, he lits the courage in me.

Loving him is painful yet its all worth it. For now, I love him and this is all I know. I pray and together with our mutual efforts would strive hard for us to be together as what we are destined to be. He is the missing part of me and Im so glad I found him. Most of all, Im happy that despite of the hardship in making our relationship work out, our love for each other remained faithful and strong.

I LOVE YOU MIKE, and Happy Birthday!