my first saddest bloG!
The fact that I can’t do anything added the credence of this heavy feeling. Im just watching everything happen. Then it dawned me that it’s really the way it is. Who am I? I am nothing compared to God. I am nothing.
He is miles away from me. I know he needed me there at his side… but I just can’t be. Even though it would mean this would be the first and the last. He is fighting for his life, while im here pretending that everything is fine. Pretending to smile, pretending to be the old jolly Jorge they knew. I am fighting back the tears that involuntarily well down my eyes. Everything around me is screwed up. I am not certain how can I be of help. I don’t know what to do with all these. Maybe because I have loved him from the diminutive chance God has given us. The chance I wanted for the second time around… the chance I wanted so badly.
This is what I call the “time thief” chapter of my life. They said, time is something to be treasured; it’s the only thing that can’t be turn back. Now, that added my wretchedness. Time is indeed a treasure for me. I treated time as my friend because it’s the benchmark of my love for him. Time for me is waiting. I used to wait for him in days, days that turned into weeks. Weeks to months. Months to years. Until I found out that he’s on the edge of his life, I wonder if this would be my price to pay for waiting for him patiently. Personally, time is of a great essence to me. In fact, my favorite part of the bible is all about time. That everything has its own time. He inspired me to wait.. He inspired me to be patient because he’s got a ticket of time to fulfill his promises to me. When I found out he is sick, I turned for my favorite verse in the bible for refuge. I keep on seeking answers from it, but I just can’t find one. But, even though answers to my questions seemed to be so vague than ever, I never gave up hope. I never gave up from believing that this is just an obstacle. . I never hated time for this, Coz im willing to wait forever, as long as he’ll meet me there. Sure I can tolerate the degree of pain only if he’ll promise me to stop the time for us and spend the moment with me forever.
When I found out he only had 24 hours to live, my world seem to drift. I looked at the things around me… speechless, and at a nanosecond, everything dropped its sagacity to me. I wanna stopped the time. It can’t be happening, how can I prove to him that he means the world to me in 24 hours when he is on the other side of the world? How can time be so selfish to me after all the years of waiting and holding on to him? They can’t break me that kind of news! They cant! They just cant… As much as I wanted to blame God on this, I cant because our life isn’t ours in the first place. It’s God’s property. We would never know God’s plan for us. It opened up a world of Hope to me. I hugged a world of hopes coz it’s the only thing that’s left to me. I know he’ll not leave me. Not this time… I may be frightened to death but I know God is there for me. I ask God for miracles, and for the first time of my life, I felt God in me. He made it through. I was euphoric at that time and I just can’t thank God enough. Several days went, my faith was tested again… when his friend break me another news that he needs a critical surgery. And he only got 25% chance of survival at the process alone. Time knocks on my doorstep again. Then I doubt if time was there to visit me as my friend or foe. How can time get so stingy? I prayed more, I lay all my faith to God, I meditated. He’s not leaving me behind. He knows I’d be miserable if he will. Myriad emotions are all on me. It’s like it’s so heavy that I wanna break down. But I gotta be strong because he told me to be strong for him.
Now, the surgery is done. He’s in coma. The state where doctors never expected him to be in. healing is something by faith. Living is something by heart. I know if he wants to survive and fight, he will… I just hope God would see that.
I always say we exist because of the people and the dreams we love. I still believe in it coz that’s what he is fighting right now…
Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up. I just have to believe…
