im sick :(

mike wants us not to talk everyday. And i admit it, im not okay with it. I even entertained (AGAIN) breaking up with him. Im not really being negative here. I am just positioning the possibilities of the future from what is the present situation. He wants us not to talk everyday. I dont feel at ease with that. Even if i gave him that priviledge, there's a part of me that needs him everyday.. just to see him online, from that very least thing makes me happy. My mind thinks alot of things without getting touch of him. My mind travels from one plave to another thinking bout him. Its insane. He can live with that but i can't. I can't even demand for his time. I'l get used of the feeling of not talking to him everyday and when im ready, maybe i can let him go. Sounds selfish? I just need to prepare myself for greater heart aches. I wanted to be realistic if not being positive. He can't meet me cause of alot of circumstance and we cannot force something like that to happen. I've been waiting for 4 years and if he cannot keep his promise, then i would forgive him. Its just that, im a woman seeking for security and love for all this years and yes i know he can offer that to me but we may never know what the future brings. I might consume all my time waiting for someone like him and nothing will just happen. I dont know what to do without him but i need to do this because eventually it will happen to us, even if it means getting hurt so bad. i wanted to cry coz i miss talking and spending time with him but i know i dont have the right to act like that because he has his own life to live and i am not his life. I think its time to accept things as it is. it takes some time to get used to this feeling. And eventually, like four years ago, i will have to live my life not depending on him :) and maybe the day will come that i will learn how to love others without holding on too much, without being too dependent, without being too childish and selfish. I just hope that the next man i will love will still be him :)