dear you,

i am so sorry if there are times that we ran out of words. the silence kills you i know. im so sorry if all i do to you is add more head ache and pain, though thats the last thing i want to do.

i understand how tiring your work is. believe me i do. i remember when i was working, work eats me up and i know how it feels to be so exhausted and sick of your goddamn job. you've been working for years without a break and i know it must be really really tiring on your part. i am sorry. i just wish i can do something to lighten up your load because i know you've been through alot. it honestly hurts me having to know how fed up you are yet u need to work and it hurts coz i cant do anything about it. i love you so much it hurts knowing about all these. i know you are always tired from work and you dont need someone like me to add more of your burden. when ur mad at me, i feel like im useless. God knows how much i would just like to set aside my feelings so that u can express and do what u want to atleast make light of the things. I would be happy to do whatever u want and need so just as to prove to you that i love you and im so sorry if there are alot of times that ive been selfish and not giving you these. There are just times that im so emotional that ive been selfish not considering your situation, but i also have my own feelings and no matter how i would just like to take it for granted i cant help it and im so sorry.

i know ive been stupid for relying so much on you and i know sometimes ur annoyed by that. ive been working on it and i hope i'd be better on it through time. you taught me alot and i thank you for that.

no matter what happened, i love you and no one can change that.

my peace of mind

im an anxious person. im insecure. i mean most of us feels that way but i guess mine is a bit hazardous because im drowning on it. I always try to make sense of everything but sometimes, negativity blocks me and there i go, kill myself inside as if i glorify suicide. sometimes, i just hate myself. truly indeed that my worst enemy is ME. thing is, im the only person who can help myself and i know i shouldnt rely on to others. but what happens to ur "other half". there are moments when i would thought that we live by pairs in this world, that there will always be someone to catch you when you're falling and likewise. its like the concept of the see saw. there are points in my life that i become so tired to carry my own burden and wish someone would save me, but thats stupidity i guess. we carry on in this world no matter how battered we are, and we do it by ourselves. though we have our love ones to rely on, but the biggest friend u could have is your own self... and i should remember that.

my patience had been tested. ive been alone and ive never been dependent by someone else. its lonely most of the time but looking back until present, i deserve a pat in the back because i've managed the pain, the loneliness and the depression; thing is, im goin to give my ownself a pat in the back. its the reality. it hurts but i should learn to be happy and be strong on my own.

Come May, mike will leave for military and its crazy not hearing him for 2 months. i wish i haven't cared alot so it wont hurt and scare the hell out of me. I wanted to use my logic and validate the situation properly but its so hard having to feel what my heart's been telling me.

i would need to be strong for myself because this is for his future. he needs it to survive and finish school and i know both of us never wanted this and i shud remind myself with that to keep me sane and atleast strong.

its just that... i dont know what to do without having to talk to him. it feels like losing a part of me. i know i shud put myself together... i wish i can handle it. im so tired of crying. im so tired of being scared losing him...

i really just dont know..i dont know

being judged

i hate it when im being judge especially with my family. it hurts but they cant let me down! i might hurt but i'llstand up even on my fuckin own. i'd rather be alone than be surrounded by judgmental people...

dear you,

if anytime sooner we fall apart, its not because I fell out of love. i'd love you too much that I made you my world and I know it didnt help u to love me back. I'd stray too much in loving you that it left me nothing but pain. pain that eats me up day by day, an unnecessary kind of pain. of course you deserve ur own private space and i've been violating it. i know this is my fault, but as mush as i would love to put things in logic, i cant help it. Im paranoid. well, you're always the one who is more rational in this relationship and im nothing but a pain to you. Ive been acting too much, closing in soo much of ur time and space, and i know you've been runnin out of air to breath. I cant make you hate me so i'd rather go away. You always say i dont deserve you, but i always think of it as non sense because i've accepted your past and present long before and i thought im ready, but i overlooked things and didnt know that it might be you who doesnt deserve a girl like me. You deserve someone who can give and show you the love that you wanted. You deserve someone who could sync with you in all things. i swear i tried my best but guess it didnt work. I tried to listen to your songs, to the tv shows u like, the games u like, ur lifestyle and everything but i guess it didnt work. thought we can grow together but i guess this is just quite a long stop over in ur life. i know u ran out of reasons to love me because im a freak and we always fight. I always thought its a part of the relationship until i felt that i dont work for you anymore. and i have to let go even though its like shutting my world down and starting all over again and hoping someday i could smile at it and say to myself atleast i made you happy. i love u so much that it hurts :(

Feels Like Home

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself

Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms

There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast

Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been

And how long I've been so alone

And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along

And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street

And a siren wails in the night

But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me

And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me

And how long I've waited for your touch

And if you knew how happy you are making me

I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

- Im waiting for the right time to sing this song for u :) my future home

Hey little cute thing

She learning the comp.

Im so worried bout Hershey coz she barely ate nor drink yesterday. I figured she wants to poop but is having a hard time thats why she wasnt touching her food at all.

and about a few hours, she did poop and I was thankful because after that, she atleast drank water and I was relief (though she didnt touch her food). So i was thinking if puppies would like varieties and if we can switch one kind of dog food to another so that she wont be fed up in eating the same thing everyday.

When I woke up this morning, she made me smile and we played a little though I cant really make a big space of our living room as her playground. She made me happy and everytime I see her, I was like "hey little cute thing". I dont know much about taking care of pets coz this is my first time but i hope Hershey would feel that I am doing well in taking care of her. *smooch smooch!!

:(

hi blog :)

i spent the night with chena and bing, and i honestly am happy being with them. I am most of myself when I dance :D:D we had a fun time at cabanas and we're just dancin and singing our hearts out. I love it when I forget my worries and anxieties. I love it!

on the other hand, im also sad because Mike wont talk to me anymore. Its all my fault I guess. God knows how much I wanted him to stay and the thought of him leaving me shatters the whole of me... oh gosh i hope i can stop the tears in my eyes.. i just had a fuckin good time awhile ago and now im feeling so empty and crushed because I know Mike will leave me. He will and I blame myself for not being a good girlfriend to him...

wish i was alot better, more understanding, more caring, more attentive... its so painful i'll see it coming. He is leaving me :(

i hate myself. i hate myself.. i hate ME!!!!!!!!