Now mike and I got back together because we both realized that we still love each other. With so much positivity going on my head, I know we could work it out despite of the time difference with of course, a pocketful of lessons learned from the past few months. I'd be stupid if I come to this point not realizing my mistakes and not seeing through his point of view other than just mine. I thought I'd be wiser because I claimed to learn about the mistakes, but again, with life full of surprises, nothing can really prepare me for this. The aftershock, I should say. When we got back, I promised to God that I'd appreciate life more; go out, have fun, plan my weekends with my friends and family-- to not get so involved about him. I guess its gunna take time. I told myself no waiting anymore just the present, but still it hurts because id i stay in the present, the present means he is not with me right now and he is away. I wanted him to realized that being in a long distance relationship is serious. That it takes alot of maturity, understanding why we are away from each other and creating this constant goal that someday we'll be together. In that way we just don't continue to love them but we hold on, we spend and take time with them and we share our thoughts freely with them. I should have talked about this with him but I'm scared. So what I thought what's best to do is to float in the waters and just don't ask why the heck am floating... and just go with the flow. I love him more than ever and I swore to God to do anything just to have him back. I didn't anticipate how is it going to be if he remains passive in all of this. I'm okay if he can't have a future with me, Im okay if he can't bring to imagine himself spending the rest of his life with me because I understand that he is a man living in the present and unfortunately, though he has some good sparkling point as to why he only believes in the present, I still find it odd for him not to think or even glimpse for the future. How would you know where you are heading if you dont have any idea where to go. I used to think about my future with him. But now, i'm all shattered and doesn't really know where to go. But in the mean time, I live with the present. And even in the present, we don't seem to have the connection anymore. I know the vast difference of the timezone this time. It's a crazy 8 hour difference. I could imagine the exact opposite of our daily life routines. But he doesn't talk to me on weekends which I expected that it's the only time we could freely talk and share or communicate properly. Even when we talk, I feel that he doesn't care anymore. I wanted to share with him my thoughts, my questions and my decisions. But man as he is, he doesn't really give a damn telling me that Im a grown up woman and I know what to do already. It makes me think that he doesn't care about me, just like how my siblings sometimes makes me feel like they don't even give a shit to me. If he is my boyf, then I should expect him to be my confidant (at least). But im not feeling a single bit of that in him anymore. He doesn't care, he told me we needed to deal with the time difference-- but he doesn't spend time with me either, he doesn't want to talk about the future-- i stay silent and give in to his request... but after all this, I realized that there's no point of holding on and getting back. I was thinking we should talk about it, but that makes me a freak. He wanted to get back to me but I can't bring my old self back because im bounded by the things that makes him uncomfortable. Because I'm not allowed to tell him that we should at least spend time once in the weekend to catch up, because I'm not allowed to ask him his activities because it's confidential, and because after all the hurt and trouble of this love, I'm scared to open up again. I don't know if he is doing this to make me realized that my prayers were indeed answered but it lead me to hell.
Despite of all these, I wanted to thank God because He proved me one thing. He proved to me that my prayers are answered because He loves me. He knows this is what I need even if it does hurt me. I would pray that this chapter of my life would make me wiser. But right at this moment, I would stay silent, endure the pain and see where life would take me...
