one little quote

I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out.And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart.And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you.But those words may forver stay in my heart-locked inside.Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.

which is which

surprisingly, i got an incentive! Its not too big but it makes me giddy giddy excited coz i can save more for a...
A. PSP?
B. Digicam?
C. Laptop?

PSP:
well, my sis can get me a brandnew psp for a very affordable price, plus a one year warranty. But, it should be in cash and should be paid in full. I feel like i can afford to buy one in the next payday! isnt it fabulous? amazing..amazing.. If i get myself a PSP, i can do unlimited gaming like my favorite, TEKEN and i can also install The Simms and alot lot more that i could imagine! gosh, my head is spinning with the thought.. its just so amazing. LOL it also has a wireless internet :) so i just really really love to own one.

Digicam:
For vanity's sake, I feel like I need one though the feeling is not too intense compared to the other options that i have here. It's just that right from the very start, its what i wanted to buy with my first pay.

Laptop:
Im super tired with the competition of whoever should use the computer. I need it too bad so that i can talk and communicate with Mike. and no, i cant coz alot of people at home is gunna use it. So, this is a good option too, something worth saving for. And if ever im goin to save money for this; this is gunna be an accomplishment on my part. But that also means im gunna be needing more more more time to save. It will take me like 6 months to save for one! haha. yeah im poor like that. And its gunna be very very like very challenging on me because God knows i dont know how to save. So, if im going to choose LAPTOP, then i'll be like hitting two birds in one stone. It will help me become thrifty (way too hard to imagine!) and secondly, i can get myself my very own laptop! sounds yummy eh?

And for my long term dream, i need a job for the next 6 months. So that means, i should do well with my metrics at work coz regularization will be in like 3-2 weeks time! Its kind of creepy really. If i'l be regularized, i dont think i deserve it coz im not that familiar yet and my AHT of Average Handling Time sucks. That also means staying with the company longer. So looking at that, there are also 2 things that i think of, good and bad. Let's start with the GOOD, its good for my experience and that means continued salary every month. BAD; coz that means im staying longer and i still wanted to be a pre-school teacher in the future! lol. If i dont get the regularization, then its fine with me. I'll credit my stay as an experience, and I could go on look for another job, or if God is too good, i can go back to school and take more education units so that i can take the board exams for teachers and i can start following my dreams as a preschool teacher. But where's the money in that? I dont really know. Its too hard having everything in one.

So yadah yadah, i feel so excited with the future. There are just alot of possibilities and I always believe that a life could change in a single snap.. or two. So, i dont know, i started being positive in the middle of the excitement and anxiety and I think this is just very good of me to feel this way. So, whatever may happen, I rest it all to God (even though i seldom go to church now). This also goes to my relationship with Mike. Heaven knows im crazy in love with that guy, but i rest it all to fate. Whatever that is, i'll be holding on until the circumstances will tell me so.

Im gunna win him back by being sooo KIND! though (me and my negativities again!) i can feel that he is pacing slowly in our relationship. Well, whatever that is, I know it wil all lie on to both of us. I just love love love love him... and it it never changed over the years. I hope that he also still feels the same to me. If not, then i will really really try my best to understand and not hate him (which is gunna be impossible. ahaha)

Anyway, im gonna go ahead and rest now. Its been a long and tiring day for me. Goodnight World!

between sanity and insanity

im very tired at work! good thing i have friends around. well, as for mitch, im crazy.. and jay cant stop laughing at me coz.. umm.. he find me funny with all my expression and that. Why do people find me funny?! oh well.. those people kept me sane.. really.. AHT is killing me!

and as for mikey, well i dont really know. i got to be honest but im hurting everyday. i cant even put it into words. im so afraid were gunna fall apart. im so so so afraid. I just knew, he doesnt love me like before... and i hate it :( worst, i miss the way he loved me before...

i made coleslaw today!

my restdays

I never got out of the house on my restdays. I mean being in a call center will take away your social life. I just woke up from a sleep that started at 2pm, and what time is it now? Its sleeping time for everybody. There can be so much that a call center life can deprive you. And, i dont know if until now, im ready. i never went to shower! haha. now that's alarming! All i did was to watch ice age 1&2, watch lady and the tramp and sleep sleep and sleep! i never knew the story until today. lol talk to mike too... but that's worth a paragraph here. Have i mentioned that besides skipping shower, i also skip meals? urgghh.. wut a life!

Anyway, primary reason why im just here at home is that, i dont have money anymore. I play "one day millionaire" you know. Second would be, i got no one to hang out too. But on the other hand, i dont also want going out with anybody especially when i go look around at the mall. I dont want that feeling that you have to wait for the other to finish looking around or go to a certain store and u know. uhh cant explain it. i know i have to make up my mind. hehe

So before i went to sleep, i decided to open my letter box. I found so much memory inside the box, particulary college days with Chena.

here, take a look:

This is what we do back then with chena. We love vandalism on paper :D We always hang out at the "canteen" and just goof around and talk about sex which is a very exciting topic for a virgin like me. haha In this case, she was expressing her love to Feona! haha

now this is funny. none of these are true. I just thought this is Chena's vision of me in the future! lol.. scarryy!!

i had to lie

i wanted to spend time with him soo much. i waited for him for hours to go online coz he emailed me that he is coming home. Well i understand that part that he cant just leave his aunt's place just like that. of course, they are his family and im happy for him. What i do not understand is that why he told me he is coming home when he was not. I waited for hours hoping we can talk but I had to lie to him that im sleepy because i dont want him using his fone because he is goin to pay for it. Its not working. I want to end this. I love him so much that it hurts. i love him so much that every time i feel and think about or situatuon, it feels like im dying inside. i wish i have the strenght to leave him. it wont work out...

THE CLASSIC

So it's my rest day and i spent my first RD wtith Bing. We went to Mango and it was all unplanned. I got out of the house at 2am because im very frustrated i cannot use the comp. Someday, i will be happy and i dont have to long for someone anymore. Anyway Bing told me to watch this movie called The Classic.

Im poor with judgements. I just can't believe that once again, i found another korean movie that took my breath away. It was so nice. I dont know, i think it is very asian because there's so much tragic in it yet, i find it very appealing and memorable... it makes me cry :(

mastering the art of aloneness

Some people enjoy being by themselves, some people have to work at it. Mastering the art of aloneness offers many personal rewards. Mastering aloneness requires some self-reliance, so that you can take care of yourself, including being able to entertain yourself with any one of many interests. There are different types of aloneness. Alone by choice vs. Alone- no choice.

Choosing to be alone and liking it is very different from having to adjust to circumstances in which we must be alone.
Whether we seek to be alone or find ourselves alone, there are some ways to work toward seeing aloneness as an art and then mastering that art.

1. You will need some solitary pursuits: things that are 1-player, so to speak. Reading, listening to music, writing, crafts and hobbies are all broad categories that can be explored individually.

2. Can you treat yourself to something special? If you have relied on other people to do special things for you, maybe it is time that you do something special for yourself. That will expand your concept of self and will help you enjoy being you because special things can still happen, without waiting for other people to treat us to something good.

3. Enjoying aloneness means you can talk to yourself. Talking to yourself doesn't mean talking out loud for other people to hear you and wonder about you. Here it means that you can process experiences by describing things in your mind as if you are going to tell someone all about wha t your heard or saw. You may never actually tell someone all about your museum visit, for example, but you are processing the experience, what you liked, what you didn't and summarizing the visit, not to tell someone later, but to be engaged with what you are doing.

4. Mastering aloneness means mastering quiet, feeling comfortable, and not feeling self-conscious in any way. You will need to accept and truly believe that there is nothing wrong with being alone. In fact, you will need to see that there is so much to do on your own that you actually look forward to your next chance to have time to yourself.

5. Mastering the art of aloneness means you can compliment yourself, you can calm yourself down, you can develop your interests and explore new things without fear or discomfort. Depending on how many things you have done on your own, branch out by trying something alone that you have never done alone before: going to a movie, eating in a restaurant, visiting an art museum, or walking in to a social event without someone at your side.

After you have had time to be by yourself, at home, or out and about, you can overcome fears and misgivings you may have had being alone. Mastering the art of aloneness isn't a complete change of lifestyle. It doesn't mean giving up time with friends and family. It simply means being comfortable and non-judgmental toward yourself, and getting to know more about yourself without fear or embarrassment. Spending time alone may be a condition you actually enjoy the more comfortable you can be with your own company.

from: http://www.istorya.net/forums/relationships/216075-mastering-the-art-of-aloneness.html