doomed

Truth is, my relationship is in trouble. I guess I wasn't strong enough to keep it all inside. It's just sad that the person whom you choose to jump on board with is someone who cant help you stay afloat. We're sinking and I'm not sure how to go over with it.

Right now, I am just as willing to let go and do it solo. I am effin fed up and as much as I love to tell myself that I should work this out with him, I don't have any reasons to. Maybe I don't love him anymore. And maybe I can stay for a little longer till God knows when for the sake of my daughter.

When Mike out of nowhere contacted me, I was thrilled by his comeback but he is as virtual as he was before but I was thankful he did that. It might be one of the best thing he did for me after all the heartaches he'd unknowingly done.  I finally had the closure I've been praying so hard and I was able to let myself know that Im over him. I have Cassie and Tony and the future ahead with them. When a friend asked me what if he'll ask me to marry him, I told my friend that I'd probably say yes because I'd finally get to see a clearer picture of a happy family in us.

But I know he is not going to marry me. The idea of being married to him scares the hell out of me but there is something inside that keeps on wondering how it will be like. Idk, its confusing. Life is confusing at all.

But right now, we're not talking and I like it. When we talk, it made me sad and when we dont it made me feel the same way but I am more at peace like this. I have no one to argue with, I have no one to ask permission to, I have my own world back and I dont have to fight so hard to get his approval and to get him to agree with my thoughts and with the things that I know. I dont have to yell.

I just couldn't stand how he can be so negative at all times. I just want someone who can turn on a good song and sing while the traffic is heavy.

I put a strong front and sometimes it does me no good and right now, I just want to go away with Cassie. I want to ask for her forgiveness if only she can understand me. I want to let her know that mama sometimes feels very tired. And that mama sometimes needs to feel that she is loved, appreciated and wanted. I am doggone tired but I know this too shall pass.

My new blog link

I've been away for oh so may months from my dear 6 year old blog because 11 months ago, I decided to make a whole new blog about my journey through motherhood. What pushed me to finally do such decision is because I thought that it will be best to start something new since having a baby is obviously getting through a new horizon and primarily because I forgot the password to this account. This page is so dear to me and dont keep me started why, the age of this blog will tell you why. I was too lazy to remember my password and visiting my link (thank God my link is written in my dna) and skimming through the dates got me thinking that I should not stop writing in this little secret blog of mine. I dont care if I dont have readers, it just feels good knowing I can go back to my thoughts. Its a good way to spend my ME time. Like, literally ha!

Anyways, here is the link of the blog I started in July. And as usual, I am always behind my post. Pre and post pregnancy, I always blog late so what's the difference huh.

Tumblr is a nice website and i love it but I love this site more!
CLICK to view my chronicles!

Every Failed Relationship is a Failure in Your Part

Whatever the hell his reasons are, I see myself as a failure. Getting into a relationship with someone in their 30's is kinda tricky. This is mostly the age (idk whomever's chart formulated it) when someone would ideally settle down. Settling down may mean having a stable job, feeding your savings more, actually fulfilling your dreams, and may also mean getting yourself a lifetime partner. It may not be "getting" but most of the times "looking" for a perfect lifetime partner. I am on my mid twenties and I am in a "fun" but "pressured" state. Fun because its in my DNA to look and have fun and pressured in a way that I need to have a contingency plan in leading my life. Oh boy, why do we have to count life by age!

I consider myself a failure because I may not have done my best to be a good girlfriend. I consider myself a failure because I am stubborn and not so giving and forgiving to my partner. I consider myself as a failure because I let myself dive into a deeper trench instead of just staying in a shallow water. I consider myself a failure because I became too dependent. I consider myself a failure simply because I was not good enough.

The Libra In Me.
Now despite of these plights (all for the sake of love) I know that there's no way to go but be apart from each other. I knew it was all coming. I saw it. But when I finally heard it from him, through his mouth-- it sealed everything. Irrevocable. Its bound to happen. I have to deal with this shit sooner or later. No U-Turn no Detours. I dont want him to change his plans, I dont want him to be pressured, I dont want him to say the things I wanna hear. I dont want him to make me feel better. I do want him to chase his dreams. I just want him gone because I want him to fulfill his goals without wasting any more time. I will be happy by then. Not now for sure. This is the most sensible thing to do. And i will come meet the day that I will be happy for him and I will be happy for myself. For choosing to let go and for choosing to admit that I not only failed myself in a relationship once but twice. Who knows, thrice?

I'll still love when I'm better but there's more loving needed for myself before anybody else. Maybe next time, I'll be the right one. :)

The Thirst to Learn and Be More

I might have just learned something really big that would certainly hurt me big time. And you know what that is. Familiar with the big L word? Yeah, you hit it right. And if my clue isn't enough, you would probably get the pattern that after so many years, I just had the time NOW to reopen and revisit my blog. Remember those days when I often visit my blog? Yes, those were the times I felt like shit and my fingers wont stop pounding my keyboard and it is friggin happening now.

But, there is something in hurting that is beautiful. It is maybe the fact that when you're hurt, you go back to your home which is yourself. You curl up in a ball licking your wounds and voila! You start thinking of beautiful things. Things that are just mean to enjoy by yourself. It's kinda liberating.

Now that I am hurting and well aware of my age (sounds like an odd pair) hurting doesnt mean the usual hurting anymore. It seems like something evokes from within and you feel somehow  (a little bit) good. It seems like you're about to unlatch a new version of you. And now, for some odd reasons I want to  experience more, learn more, travel more, laugh more, and listen more.  And I guess that's what I would like to see myself this year. I want to crash out more items off of my not so bucket list and I want to live life a little happier. I want to be confident again even when I am on my own. And I am positive that I can be whatever I want to be as long as I mix the right amount of attitude needed for a good recipe of life (after being burned).

ahhh Life!

Bed 38

This is definitely a good year for me. To start being productive by reading more, (im on my second book this year and currently happy being tied up with Terry McMillan's Getting to Happy) not minding other people's business and not letting them get into my nerves (struggling but doing pretty good) and most especially Im freaking serious about my goal this year of 1 DIY project per month. And of course part of being productive is to write more in my blog. I will catch up with the DIY project that I accomplished last January.

So I call this project as BED38. I made a very comfy pet bed for Hershey. Well I initially planned on making two because I have two little monsters at home. But i will make the other one on a later date for sure. So it'll be by seniority, Ishi will get the bed first. 

The internet is really a haven for DIY projects. I am not artistic and I definitely cant come up with something without imitating. I've watched a couple of videos in Youtube on how to make a pet bed. They're really good and they have slight differences from one another but they all still looked very nice and comfy for the pet. There's also a video that doesnt need any sewing at all! 

To start the project, I just needed an old sweater, some stuffings and viola, I can have a pet bed without spending hundreds of pesos. Pet beds in pet stores range from 600 and up. Hershey used to have one, a really cute and pricey one but Koby destroyed it. Going back--- Unfortunately, I dont have old sweater shirts so I was thinking on getting them at an Ukay-ukay shop. I bought the sweatshirt for 25 pesos only. I actually bought two. They're kids sizes and the one I initially picked for Hershey is too cute and up till now, Im still not ready to do anything scary about it. So I kept it locked in my closet. 

As what I told you in Facebook, I am so bad at sewing... never been good at it.. will never be good at it. Well, in doing this project the sewing doesnt have to be neat as you wont see the stitches. But you really have to stitch them good to make the bed durable.

 Tadaaahh!! The finish product! That is actually the back side of the shirt. It looks better than the front side so I decided to have the bed this way and show the little elbow patches (if thats how you call them) to add some sort of "taste" or design. It also has the number 38 hence the title, BED 38.

 The proud maker! Thanks for the boyfee for taking the picture for an obligatory shot! whe're my medal of excellence? 

A close up glance. 

I'll be on my way home later and Im just so excited to show this to everyone at home and finally have Hershey use it! I hope she will like it as I made it from scratch and poured all my love and compassion into that comfy bed of hers! 

*pics of Ishi on the bed will follow. :)

Thanks!!

tralala

The phrase, “it’s been a while” now becomes too usual here in my blog because for some reasons I can’t seem to find time in my seemingly boring life to post updates and whatnots. There is definitely a lot going on and I’m not even sure if I can even put them into words. Got no idea how to construct my thoughts anymore, blame it to the earthquake or something.

For now, I guess I just have to talk about being alone because I am in that freaking state right now. I always hate that word but I deserve a toast because for many years I’ve been crazy alone and young. My definition of alone is not having someone to hold my hands with, not having someone to say im beautiful, not having someone to share romantic moments with and all that petty childish contemplations. I hate to make up stupid words but im maturely alone now. LOL My first real boyfriend actually helped me realized a lot of things. I adore him and I like how he taught me what life really is. And ironic as it may seem, he taught me that I am “alone”. I don’t hate him for that but I thanked him because he is a top-notch realist! He is someone who doesn’t dictate my decisions in life. He let me be. And that made me realized that whether you are committed or not, you ought to be alone in coming up personal choices and decisions in life. Sometimes, I get frustrated because I feel like he has plans on his own without me in it. As a woman with over pouring emotions, I feel hurt. But this part of my life answered my questions from before—I don’t need someone to literally hold my hands to make me feel that I am not alone. With or without someone, I can do everything I wanna do. I can never be too dependent. I must do it alone. It should not be that bad. 

what are you proud of?

                Two of the things that I value the most aside from my dogs are integrity and respect. As what our previous boss mentioned, integrity is black and white. You either have it or not. You cannot have more integrity or less. It is that simple. You have it in you or you simple dont. And I think that when we talk about integrity, it is not about the little things we lie about every day because mind you, we do have those pretty little lies but what I meant about the call for integrity is doing the right thing even when it is hard for you to do so. It is doing what is ethical and what is right when you see something is wrong. It is a decision you make for yourself. It is not something others can demand from you but it is something you grow with, something you need and want to do. I am just so happy that I’ve been a part of JPMC because of its unwavering culture of integrity. We are always reminded to value integrity and put it on top of our list. I am so proud of Jaime Dimon and all the people from the company and I guess it’s one of the reasons why in amidst of global financial challenges, they remained steadfastly standing while others crumbled down into dust.  If I have to go back, I’d go home to —Chase. I think as Filipinos, we should replicate the values and systems of these people from developed countries.

                Now that I am no longer connected to such great company and because I gave way to my original profession which is teaching, INTEGRITY is not something I am willing to unlearn. I believe that because there was a change of my environment, I have to learn and unlearn things so that I can be better at what I do. But I am not willing to unlearn the value of integrity. Especially now that a lot of parents are putting their child’s welfare into my hands. Especially now that my role has changed and especially now that I am a teacher. I mould young minds and I want to teach them really good values. The hell with the lessons. I am sure they will forget about it, but when they apply for their dream jobs or when they will start opening up their own businesses, their personal and professional values will take them to heights.

             RESPECT. As human beings, it is expected of us to respect all the people around us. Whether she’s an elevator girl or an heiress. I don’t choose people to respect because I want to be respected in return. It is given that at least as humans we are to be respected and given dignity at all aspects. Deep respect however is something earned and it’s not a cheap giveaway. It is something you craft yourself so that people will respect you. Your character is the key for others to earn your respect. I am thinking about reputation vs. character. If you have the reputation but doesn’t have the character, then what are you again? Just a title.  Oh well, I don’t need to elaborate.

       I am telling all these because a week ago, all teachers with the exception of the school administrators had a closed door meeting with PAASCU. It is the PAASCU initiated the said meeting with the promise that they will not mention names but will get ideas, recommendations and suggestions because they simply believe in teachers input as they are teachers themselves. For me, it was fruitful and helpful for our school’s endeavour to be on an applicant status with PAASCU. Whatever transpired in the said conference --- I am not in the position to discuss because I have the utmost respect to the PAASCU accreditors and I believe in their capability to summarized and relay it to the administrators. Unfortunately, one of the teachers recorded the conversation. This said teacher is very close to one of the administrators, they even share the same bed every night. Why would she record it? Why is it that the day after the conversation, she was very eager to have the names of the teachers who have spoken up to the accreditors? It smells fishy. Stinky.

           I was really discouraged at what I have discovered and I was very sad to know that this person is a teacher. Why cheat? Are you not the same teacher who would always remind your young students not to cheat? It’s funny how one single action can distort the whole picture. My perception was changed right then and there. I am not proud anymore.

             It’s humongous for the life of me to shout at the Philippine Government for having such a bad economy and status of life in this country. But I don’t have to look very far because I can see irregularities in my naked eyes. Why can’t we examine ourselves if we are living each day of our lives as good people in accordance to “Christian Values”?  No wonder why Philippines will not grow into a great country because we don’t have greatness in us. We only have ambitions but we don’t have the integrity needed to move forward nor we have the very basic value of respect, we forget how to play fair. 

               knowing what's right and not doing it anyway can get ugly as this!

thehiddenchef: Ampalaya with Beef

I have a sweet inclination in the kitchen. I just developed it recently. It is a task so fulfilling because I guess it has to do with FOOD. It makes me feel like im becoming more of a WOMAN and funny but it is so liberating. Hahaha

I just downloaded a nice app in my android fone about Filipino recipes. The first time I tried it, it was a little different because this time it was a success. Remember my leche flunk? I mean leche flan. LOL Back to the app, it was very helpful and I was more than thankful because the menus are great though the number of choices available are just really few. The ingredients were easy to find and affordable (I can even see them in our kitchen without having the fuzz to buy), because again they are all Filipino cuisines.

I made Ampalaya with Beef for my boyfriend and I was all smiles because I knew it would be a success and the boyfee really liked it!

Now for my note’s sake, I decided to just blog about every cooking moments of my life because I am not a pro and chances are, I will just soon forget how the magic is done. Well, I cooked the Ampalaya some time ago so I have to open the menu/ app again for a review on what I did.

This infamous vegetable (I know a lot don’t like Ampalaya ;p) has substances that help control blood sugar. This is just perfect for me coming from a family with diabetic grandparents. And the rest? All I can say is its really bitter!

In the app, the menu was categorized under “Mga Ginisang Gulay” because both boifee and I love vegetables. I know that Ampalaya or bitter gourd isn’t the most desirable vegetable there is and I remember when I was a kid they’re at the bottom of my “what’s-not-to-eat-food” list. Oh well, it changed when I was in my freshman year in college when a classmate of mine boasted her mom’s Ampalaya cooking. It was indeed good! I don’t know, I find it bitter 24 years ago and it doesn’t change up till now. Oh well, the mind has a world of its own. I now liked it! So much about the history, let’s get it on!

By the way, I am a starter in the kitchen but I am a hell of deviant when it comes to measurements. Lol I remember purchasing ¼ of beef, the ampalaya (but of course!), onion, garlic and all that spice. You know what I mean right?

Boyfriend and I were on a debate whether we slice 2 whole ampalayas or not. I ended up slicing one big whole and half. Now to make sure I don’t serve a super bitter ampalaya, I washed it with water (before slicing it into small pieces, I cut them half lengthwise first) and I put generous amount of salt all over using my hands. I let it stay for quite some time. I put water again and squeezed it like a stress ball just to make sure the bitter taste will somehow lessen.

Now in a separate bowl, I added soy sauce, salt and pepper. The app says to put oyster sauce too but we didn’t have Oyster sauce. You will let all the goodness sip through the beef so don’t be stupid and let it stay for a while. I’ll say 10-15 minutes.

Now in a pan, saute garlic and onion. Add the marinated beef followed with a glass of water. Cover the pan. Go grab that book you’ve been meaning to read because this thing will take forever. Haha In other words, you wait till the beef soften.

Once you think that the beef is good to go, add the sliced ampalaya. Let it stay for about 3 minutes. I personally don’t like the vegetable overcooked. Add corn starch and Magic Sarap and stir. In my case, the boifee wants to taste the pepper most of the time so I added more pepper in this stage. You will know that the corn starch has done its purpose if the sauce has thickened already.

 tadaaahhh!!!

I've been Facebooked!

Talking about making your dreams a reality, my cousin just finished a series of “Facebooked: the Musical” play. He was sort of the artistic director of the said play showcasing pure Cebuano talents. It was indeed a very nice musical play. It is very original, the songs they composed are just plainly awesome that I sing some of them at home and of course, the play centers around FACEBOOK. Just like LOVE, Facebook is a very profound word. For the life of me, I cant put any words that best describes this social networking site. It is all over. I just can’t imagine meeting someone without a Facebook. It’s like a disgrace if you don’t own any profile in this site. And mind you, my dad has his profile… which is of course being opened and managed by my mom. He doesn’t do Facebook but he has an account. See my point? And oh, it is noteworthy that those titos and titas I’ve known when I was still a mere child are on my friend list too. Oh well, I can talk about Facebook for hours- the transformation, how I started, what it had done to me and to my friends… oh well everything and it may not still be enough because just like the intricacies of the word LOVE, Facebook is as intricate as it can be.

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. Just like a perfect brew of caffeine it is downright addicting. I wanted to scroll and scroll and check and check even when there is nothing important to check. I wanted to check if the area I go to has Wi-Fi and I would instantly go to Facebook. I like Facebook but you see, I hate it too. It is really a waste of time. It is indeed a waste of time. I cant imagine I threw my Saturday away facing my phone browsing through Facebook. I am ridiculous and I admit that but I like Facebook. I mean Facebook has been there for ages and it indeed connects people but sometimes we get too tied with it and we lose time in return.

I wanna be a better person. Instead of looking at my own profile (that’s what I do most of the time when I am in logged in to FB) or other people’s profile, I must limit myself. There is a world out there. How I wish I can just deactivate my Facebook. Because most of the time, I feel like FB is just a show. And it promotes envy, or you tend to post things that will look as if your life is fabulous when its really not! (ha! Reality bites). How I wish I’d post less stuff and how I’d wish I can do more than just FB.

I wanna be a better person so for now on, I will linger on more helpful stuff instead of FB. I will blog more and express myself more through writing. I will research more helpful articles and read more instead of Facebooking. I will IG more when I need to post pics. I will get a life and FB less.

From this day on, I will try my best to limit Facebook for not more than 5 hours in a week. I will keep a mental tracker. I like how I try to improve myself. LOL And I know I can pull this off!

dreams and reality

Been really busy for these past few months. But hey, I am not complaining. In fact I’m loving it—as of yet.

Recalling my aunt’s reaction on my career change, she was amused by me. Why? Because I took a 360 degree turn from a call center agent to a pre-school teacher. I think that is awesome and she thought of the same too. I am just happy that she is happy for me. But seriously, it wasn’t at all easy. It was a leap of faith I knew I had to take and its one of the few defining moments of my life. Again, it wasn’t easy. But it taught me a lot about faith, courage, and humility, a series of letting go and most especially chasing dreams. In our economy right now, having a day job isn’t that appealing. Pocket-wise? It is plainly ridiculous letting go of a bigger pay check in exchange of a “normal life”. But believe me, it drains my emotions of having to see so little coming back to my pay check. Then again, I would say to myself that this is just a phase. I just wondered how long it will last. But I know I am strong so I gotta be firm now more than ever. Other than the salary, everything is really new to me. And I am keeping a journal about my life as a pre-school teacher (especially it’s my first year). Other than blogging, I am planning on doing a scrapbook about my journey. A scrapbook about how I lived my dream. I just thought it will be awesome!

Aside from all the changes that I wanted to keep a personal record on, I am also looking forward to a year full of chances, opportunities, hopes and wisdom to help me become a better person.

Before I will end this entry, there is one perk about my dream job—the feeling of being loved and adored by my kids is more than enough to keep me afloat (despite of the money problems lol). My student Shem was just so sweet when he came to the door this Friday morning and feeling so excited. He ran to me and gave me flowers!!!! Awww he is the sweetest and one of the precious moments that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

The One That Got Away

 

 

There was this article I read a few months back about that someone in your life who unfortunately got away. I ended up agreeing to almost all of the lines in the said piece though I can no longer remember the exact words to it. It echoes feelings which I’ve been suppressing for too long but the article had a way to make me realize that I shouldn’t had because somewhere, somehow, we all have that someone that got away.  It rang through me coz I know I had that very someone. That someone whom I envisioned to marry and spend my life with. Someone that I was very certain I wanna meet in my future. Unfortunately, what made him my “someone that got away” is the fact that he didn’t make it. He simply got away and the rest is history.

I am in the point in my life that I am happy with someone else. But he will remain to be “The One That Got Away” always. He will remain to be the person behind the sweet love songs I would randomly hear in the radio. He will be that someone who’ll make me wonder about a few things in life. I guess I am holding on to something that I know will never happen, because somewhere deep down inside me, I have this little piece of hope that someday it will. And maybe, Katy Perry might be right, that in another life, I will be his girl but certainly not now.

And what’s beautiful about it is that I’m okay. It’s okay.  

my fear

Death makes me feel uncomfortable. It is an unexplainable realm beyond words, space and time. I admit that whenever I watch the (local) news, the word death or being killed doesn’t mean anything to me anymore but a mere statistics of the consequences of living in Metro Manila.

But there will be a time when death will look at you straight in the eye. And it will appear to be something very frightful that it takes away your peaceful nights into an unending awful day dreaming and restless turning and tossing in bed. It is again because, I personally fear death because I don’t understand what it means to the person who departed especially if these people meant something to me in the past or present. I fear death because of the pain of knowing that anytime in this life, God can take away your loved ones.

I look at it in different ways and even when I write down all these, I still can’t understand its mystery. So they say that death is inevitable. It will happen to all of us. It is a part of life though it sounds pretty ironic to me.

We do good things to other people and to our loved ones, we build fun, loving and lasting memories with them, yet anytime they can be gone. I guess, my being selfish of being left behind is talking in this blog. Yes, today, I want to talk about me being selfish. I can’t talk about what it means to be dead because I am not dead yet and I cant probably blog anymore if that’s the case. I am definitely talking about the living. The pains and confusion that we will have to go through if someone we love will depart. Or the crisp bitterness of the word, “regret”. I am knocking on wood right now but I already programmed my mind that it will happen in the future. To you or to me. To anybody. Anytime.

But even when death is something that is certain, I want to remind myself that we have to continue to live and be a better version of ourselves every day. If we don’t have any choice about death, then I might as well cherish every waking moments of my life, learn from my mistakes and always see God in everything that I do. Let us enjoy life while we still can.

But for now, I want to say that I felt bad about a friend who passed away. She is definitely an angel. Again, another friend whom I think is perfect in my eyes went to Heaven. I am still feeling so bad but I have to accept her being gone. She is now an angel watching over her kids. May she rest in peace. 

Ask, Seek, Knock

" Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."                                               

                                                                                               Mathew 7:7-12

I am always someone who’s good at hiding my real feelings, especially when I’m a bit sad. Well, just this week, I was feeling really bad about myself. I badly want to be a teacher but nobody seems to want to help me and I barely had gotten any calls from schools where my applications were sent. It’s such a bummer. I got no work, and it finally sink in that I can no longer be with my boyfriend at all times.  I am at the point of desperation when suddenly my sister asked me about my FB status about me crying again. I hated me for being silent when she asked and right then and there, I just burst into tears. It was stupid of me to show her I cried because I don’t want to appear weak to anybody’s eyes. But she is my sister, I know that I’m very dear to her so I let myself be. I just cried to her. It felt good and in the middle of it, I got a text message from the school I emailed my application to that same morning. They asked me for a demo teaching tomorrow. Right in the middle of my desperation, God intervened and reminded me that He is not closing His doors to my dreams. He was looking at me at that very moment and He acted upon it instantly. This is my chance.

So hopefully tomorrow I will be the best that I can be and I pray that God will be with me the whole time because that’s what I want to happen from this day on and forward. When I had the job and the money, I don’t remember God but when I have nothing, I still have Him and He still listens to me. My God is a good God and I vowed at church today that through good and bad times God will stay in my heart no matter what.

I feel so ashamed because my faith in God wasn’t constant for the past years, but He showed me that He still love me despite of my imperfections. This time around, I will be a good child to the Lord and will always try my best every day to be good to other people especially to my loved ones.

For now, I have to hit the sack. Tomorrow is a new day of hope, praise and love!

Simple Pleasures 02/02/2013

Was taken on: Saturday, ‎February ‎02, ‎2013, ‏‎10:21:16 AM..

Thank God for technology as my phone by default remembers the exact date as to when photos were taken. (otherwise I would never have any clue)

I want to call this post “Simple Pleasures”.  You see, I am so behind on my post and I personally feel like I owe myself this blog… well, more blog posts. I’ve been missing way too much on my blogging.

What I liked about that particular day was the simplicity itself and how we took pleasure in it.  I remembered being so happy spending my day with my love and with our dear Bbones. So just a preface, Bbones is a 3 year old Golden Retriever. He is my boyfie’s and the boyfie’s ex’s baby. So yeah, I am the acting stepmom to Bbones, and I like that.  We planned to just spend our Saturday morning (after a long and tiring week at work) in Ayala Business Park to treat Bones to a wider playground all for himself. After all, we owed Bbones that because I think we’ve been busy for the previous weeks.  I am just glad that even when Cebu is already crowded with buildings, a place like the business park holds a place of sweet solitude for people like us who would enjoy the greens rather than the concretes.  But it is noteworthy that just across the big space for Bbones, a tall condominium is under construction. I kinda hate the thought that in a few months from now a new building would rise again giving way to more and more buildings. That means, fewer “park-like” setting for us.

Nonetheless, we had the park all by ourselves for that day and that’s what mattered to me. We packed up Bbones stuff; water, blanket and a badminton set. We dropped by Fidel’s chicken near USC Main as I would always endorse their fried chicken as “remarkably” delicious. I just can’t resist the tempting smell of the chicken that reminds me of my college life. We got the chicken to go   and we hurriedly proceeded to our destination (with Bbones being excited of course, I presumed). 

Here are some pics I saved for that day; Look at that beast!

We stayed for a couple of hours. We played catch, badminton, ate, listened to music and just talk about anything literally under the sun and went home to catch some sleep.

I like these simple quiet moments because life feels slow and you don’t have to keep up with the world. It’s an escape to the outside world, when you don’t have to worry what to wear, where to eat or what to say. It’s too simple that I can’t resist but to feel just…. Happy. 

how's life?

I can't believe that my last post in this blog was about 5 months ago and only had one since the start of the year. I might have been very busy or I just lack the energy to jot down the good, bad and most of the time emo moments of my life which are supposed to be virtually imprinted here in my so called online diary. 
Anyweiz, not so much has actually happened in my life except that I recently had the chance to be behind wheels of my dream car, Mazda 3. Not to mention the emotional turbulence I experience from time to time. 

I wanted to quit my job and you see, its something I really wanted to do since forever. This love-hate relationship with work has been killing the hell out of me. The problem is, (which I think is normal based from  articles that I read) I dont know what I want in life-- atleast when I quit my current job. Part of me wants to  be teacher, a part of me wants to fly out to Dubai or Bahrain and a part of me just wants to take whatever job there is available as long as I dont compromise quality time with my boyfriend. He's even a different story. 

I talked to our HR and she suggested that I list down pros and cons of staying with the company. I realized that there's no use in doing so because I wanna quit. I think the reason why Im being anxious about leaving is because its a big leap I had to take and its always a risk stepping out of your comfort zone. In addition to that, I felt guilty to God because I dont want Him to think that I am being ungrateful. 

What makes this phase of my life a really uncomfortable one is the fact that only a very few called me in response to my applications. It hurts and you know how i hate rejections. I mean, when did it ever became a nice feeling? But i gotta be strong and think like a mature person even when it is hard to explain why other people are lucky and I feel like im not. 

I will hold on to what my sister told me that i gotta be patient because good things will come to those who wait. i dont know God's plan but i rely my future to Him.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding..."

first mobile blog

We all get hurt. It's practically normal and its part of our existence. When we're at it, it feels like the whole world is closing in on us... that there's no other way out, that the love we cared the most is gone. I myself lingered with such pain. I think its pretty normal to act like a goddamn fool but how you handle it as a whole can define who you are. I experienced how a dream died before my eyes, its the most painful thing ever to see. I've heard stories of how love has lost and in my mind and in my heart, i felt like i have understood almost all of  them. It is ugly but we have to deal with it.
I went out with friends, I tried new things, I kept myself busy with just about everything. I rendered extra hours at work, I cried in the washroom, in my station. I went to bars and I read books. I did things not to just preoccupy my mind but at the same time i know that in my mind i have to live. And the super melodramatic question would constantly come in... "what's the meaning of life  if i have to do everything alone?" I had to ask myself why people wont like me. though im crushed inside, i persisted. I made it sure that i can prove it to myself that im way better than my insecurities. I made a promise to love myself first. i talked to God almost everyday. I made good deeds to atleast 1 person each day. it made me feel better. I felt like I dont need to love just one person, i can make a relationship to the world.  i gained new friends and I realized that im finally seeing life in a new light.

You see, if you're broken and you feel insecure there's no one who can fix the damage but you. you "self-medicate". It's definitely ok to  take a moment to cry and let the pain linger for a moment. Feel every minute of  it as it painfully tears down your chest. Cry if you must.

But dont forget that you must get up and wipe those sad tears coz you are just about bound to change your life for the better. We are all made better after a heart ache. Being better should be the next direction after your heart's being devastated. And perhaps, maybe that's why we need to get hurt so that we will come out as better persons. Do not shut someone out of your heart because you have been hurt. Never despair. But instead, love yourself more, acknowledge your capabilities, celebrate YOU and be the person whom people will look up to. then who knows... someone is watching you from afar .. already fallin into the most candid and natural YOU :)

its been quite a while

Alot has happened this year, and hopefully there will be more to come for the last 2 months of  2012 . There are just alot and I guess, ironic as it may seem, it's one of the reasons why I dont get to write stuff about my life anymore. I can't believe we're moving to the last month of the year. Well, kinda moving that way. One thing that I realized and proven is the fact that when you start off with a positive vibe, then somehow you will get to see a favorable outcome. Like when I always say to myself at the beginning of the year, that 2012 will be my year. I held on to that thought. I was able to breakfree with the misery that Mike had brought to me. I was able to survive hell-ish days, weeks, months at work with so much poise and grace. I learned to drive and later will be getting my drivers license! (talking about positive vibe huh) but  most especially, i found someone new. He fills my days with love :) I just cant believe it. I think im real picky when it comes to men that's why even when I want to forget my dream of a happy fuckin ending with Mike, I still find it handy to be with my own self than being with someone who does nothing but turn me off all day. But Tony is different. He has his own swag that perfectly fits my preference on a man. He doesnt glorify me like crazy and I like that. He is mature enough and maybe it fits my being playful. I dont know. He loves me for sure but of course there are complications along the way. I know he's one big thing in my life right now but I am in an unwritten contract that I am not allowed to expect more from our relationship because I think that's what he wants and I want it that way too to avoid heart aches i guess.  But doing so without hurting is BS. It still hurts that I agree to not allow myself to look at it in a long term relationship because I feel like im wasting my time. But, a part of me says it never is a waste of time because the present is all that counts and it all that matters anyways. Well maybe I just find it weird to know that I am just waiting for this to end. Not because I want to but because it has to... eventually. But I as much as possible, I dont want to linger in that thought  but I just want myself to continue to be happy by being the right person for him each day that we're together. It's a happy feeling at all! ;p

One More Chance

When it comes to movies, content is important for me. Questions like, "Is it realistic?" if it's not, "will it keep me entertained the whole time?" are the top things I would asked to make a movie good enough for me. Filipino movies are not the most enticing to watch on my "list" because they are not that realistic for me and sometimes they just don't keep me entertained at all. Or sometimes, I dont find any social relevance in them  compared to Indian movies that I watched in the past. When I watch, it should be transcending or if not, it should just be as realistic as one could be. One More Chance is by far my favorite Filipino movie. The story is simple but it in all aspects, its true and it can happen to anyone in real life. I like how a story can be so tragic. Hey its tragic but so is life. 

                                      That's a spoof pic my friends and I made when we we're bored in Davao.


I can watch the movie again and again. I commend John Lloyd and umm Bea Alonzo for a job well done. It tells us about how beautiful love is when they're shared by someone but at the same time, its the same love that can bring so much pain and misery on each and everyone. Goes to show that too much love is dangerous coz you're giving pieces of you to that person and he/she can break your heart and can spin your life upside down  ANYTIME, without you knowing when. It can give you a real hard blow. The movie captures everything and I love it.

One of my favorite scene was when the guy told the girl that he will be going away to Qatar for work. He mentioned about how he still loves the girl but he's the one who needs "time" this time. It's complicated but with the pain he's gone through, its totally understandable. The girl absolutely knows where he's coming from. They locked it with a good release of painful tears and a bittersweet kiss.

                                                                        my fave scene :(

When you love, leave a portion of yourself to yourself. Give each other  own personal space and time. Being together doesnt mean you need to do everything together. Plan your own trip, your own "me time" and make your own decisions. You can do all these and still come home to the person that you love. Strive to be better everyday for yourself and for your loved ones. But hey, nobody will be able to realize all of these without getting hurt. Like, what I said, its complicated. It is beautiful but sad. Love is profound and it has its own and unique definition to each and everyone of us. Here's one of  my favorite lines from Popoy. 

"I want my HEART to stop breaking, sana pag naging tayo na ulit, kaya na kitang mahalin ng buong buo. na walang halong takot kung masaktan man tayo ulit."

driver's license

           I am the most laid back person I ever met. Im not even sure if that's the right word. It's just that, I dont keep goals that much so I often end up wandering in the air. I think its something that I need to work on in the future. Well, I do have things I wanted to accomplish in life, I just needed to be more focus, I guess. 

           So, I remembered that early this year I had a few goals I wanna accomplish before this year will end. I guess I was keeping it at a very minimum number of 3 goals. I honestly cant remember the third one and most probably its the reason why by far (as early as now) I only get to see the two in progress ;p Anyhow, Im happy about it.

             My first goal is something I wanna talk about some other time, in another post. But the second one is about obtaining a driver's license! So lookie the title of the blog! 

           Now to start off, here's a pic of myself in the driver's seat.

                                                   I am now the girl behind the wheels!

            Oh well, for the life of my dad-- he believed that I can never drive a manual car so he bought an automatic and used car that I can use to and from work. It's a 2004 model of Nissan March. Well, who cares. I just needed wheels so I was kind of happy because that means, it will eventually put a stop to my seemingly endless agony of commuting every day. 

           But of course, I needed to get proper license in driving. I got one last month. 

  It's a student permit that I needed to get first

       I am impressed of how fast and orderly the LTO (Talisay) was when I acquired my student permit. It was very convenient and I went through a smooth process. I paid about P300 to get one. It's actually my second time in getting a student permit. It expires after a year but you can apply for a real license (Professional or Non Professional) after a month from the day you got the SP. So an SP looks like the one above. I must say that I hate the government photo IDS! Everything in their office is routine so they wont care much if you're prepared to get yourself a shot or not. So mine looks like a disaster, as always!

         I just got back from my trip in Palawan. Earlier today, I went to LTO to get my Non Prof license. I paid about a hundred pesos to start the process. I chose to follow the standard process in obtaining a license wherein one would need to pass the written exams before the practical test. Well to cut the chase, I didnt pass the written exams. Needed to get 30 out of 40 but I only got 29! I dont know if I will be frustrated. Well I guess I am. I needed to wait another month to reapply. So thats another friggin 30 days of not being allowed to drive alone! Oh well, I am too dormant to take any risk/ exams so failing the written exams made me sad today. The thing about it though is that I can retake the next month. Now my mini goal is to nail the exams and give them a whooping perfect score! hahaha

         Everything happens for a reason, maybe despite of my hours in practicing driving, maybe I needed another month to practice more before the practical exams. Hopefully next month I wont need any lucks to pass. I will ace it for sure ;p

           

driver

I'm a certified commuter. Riding jeepneys to and from everywhere around the city is a part of my daily life; its a part of my system so its not something big of a deal. But i will mention it anyway. Im gunna make it worth a topic for my blog.

Riding jeepneys are convenient to most cebuanos and at the same time, it saves you a whole lot of money. Do the math; 8 vs 60 pesos for a short distance trip if you'd go for the windy jeepney ride rather than hailing a taxi cab. It definitely has perks. When you are seated all the way inside, you get to feel how to be the "konduktor" as you obviously will be given the favorable task of handing the fare to the driver and vice versa.     One of the very common scenario would be the jam packed arrangement which you dont really have much of a choice but to comply and squeeze your whole body in because the driver insists of the "walo-walo" seating capacity. Oh boy, you wouldnt imagine how in the world you we're able to sit and fit in a very tiny space and yet you are able to reach your destination with all your body parts whole, intact and in place. Oh well... Those are the few things one can experience in riding a jeepney. I can write a book about it!

Well, on my way home earlier my jeepney ride was kind of interesting. As opposed to the typical jeepney driver, im a bit surprised because our destined driver at that time reminds me of a typical balik-bayan or ofw from "saudi" with all those thick silver jewelries hanging around his neck and wrist with a gigantic ring on his finger. I am definitely not belittling jeepney drivers but he is not the usual scene. Then a story automatically would create inside my head. Maybe perhaps he is a retired and loyal employee and has got nothing to do on a fine saturday night that's why he is out in the road making money out of his boredom. Maybe he was indeed a humble ofw, he gets to accomplished sending all his kids to school and now he is taking life slow and makes a little money out of driving jeepney. Did I mention he's got an ipod to play for his music? Well, I will never know... What I know is he kept me awake from the whole trip because he's given me things to think about. I just find the little things in life interesting. Well whatever that is, he brought me home safe so  I pray that God will continue to bless him. There's more i gotta share about my jeepney rides but I'll settle for a few things now coz im really tired.

Wait, what's with fake grapes hanging on jeepneys' dash boards??