my fear

Death makes me feel uncomfortable. It is an unexplainable realm beyond words, space and time. I admit that whenever I watch the (local) news, the word death or being killed doesn’t mean anything to me anymore but a mere statistics of the consequences of living in Metro Manila.

But there will be a time when death will look at you straight in the eye. And it will appear to be something very frightful that it takes away your peaceful nights into an unending awful day dreaming and restless turning and tossing in bed. It is again because, I personally fear death because I don’t understand what it means to the person who departed especially if these people meant something to me in the past or present. I fear death because of the pain of knowing that anytime in this life, God can take away your loved ones.

I look at it in different ways and even when I write down all these, I still can’t understand its mystery. So they say that death is inevitable. It will happen to all of us. It is a part of life though it sounds pretty ironic to me.

We do good things to other people and to our loved ones, we build fun, loving and lasting memories with them, yet anytime they can be gone. I guess, my being selfish of being left behind is talking in this blog. Yes, today, I want to talk about me being selfish. I can’t talk about what it means to be dead because I am not dead yet and I cant probably blog anymore if that’s the case. I am definitely talking about the living. The pains and confusion that we will have to go through if someone we love will depart. Or the crisp bitterness of the word, “regret”. I am knocking on wood right now but I already programmed my mind that it will happen in the future. To you or to me. To anybody. Anytime.

But even when death is something that is certain, I want to remind myself that we have to continue to live and be a better version of ourselves every day. If we don’t have any choice about death, then I might as well cherish every waking moments of my life, learn from my mistakes and always see God in everything that I do. Let us enjoy life while we still can.

But for now, I want to say that I felt bad about a friend who passed away. She is definitely an angel. Again, another friend whom I think is perfect in my eyes went to Heaven. I am still feeling so bad but I have to accept her being gone. She is now an angel watching over her kids. May she rest in peace. 

Ask, Seek, Knock

" Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."                                               

                                                                                               Mathew 7:7-12

I am always someone who’s good at hiding my real feelings, especially when I’m a bit sad. Well, just this week, I was feeling really bad about myself. I badly want to be a teacher but nobody seems to want to help me and I barely had gotten any calls from schools where my applications were sent. It’s such a bummer. I got no work, and it finally sink in that I can no longer be with my boyfriend at all times.  I am at the point of desperation when suddenly my sister asked me about my FB status about me crying again. I hated me for being silent when she asked and right then and there, I just burst into tears. It was stupid of me to show her I cried because I don’t want to appear weak to anybody’s eyes. But she is my sister, I know that I’m very dear to her so I let myself be. I just cried to her. It felt good and in the middle of it, I got a text message from the school I emailed my application to that same morning. They asked me for a demo teaching tomorrow. Right in the middle of my desperation, God intervened and reminded me that He is not closing His doors to my dreams. He was looking at me at that very moment and He acted upon it instantly. This is my chance.

So hopefully tomorrow I will be the best that I can be and I pray that God will be with me the whole time because that’s what I want to happen from this day on and forward. When I had the job and the money, I don’t remember God but when I have nothing, I still have Him and He still listens to me. My God is a good God and I vowed at church today that through good and bad times God will stay in my heart no matter what.

I feel so ashamed because my faith in God wasn’t constant for the past years, but He showed me that He still love me despite of my imperfections. This time around, I will be a good child to the Lord and will always try my best every day to be good to other people especially to my loved ones.

For now, I have to hit the sack. Tomorrow is a new day of hope, praise and love!