Every Failed Relationship is a Failure in Your Part

Whatever the hell his reasons are, I see myself as a failure. Getting into a relationship with someone in their 30's is kinda tricky. This is mostly the age (idk whomever's chart formulated it) when someone would ideally settle down. Settling down may mean having a stable job, feeding your savings more, actually fulfilling your dreams, and may also mean getting yourself a lifetime partner. It may not be "getting" but most of the times "looking" for a perfect lifetime partner. I am on my mid twenties and I am in a "fun" but "pressured" state. Fun because its in my DNA to look and have fun and pressured in a way that I need to have a contingency plan in leading my life. Oh boy, why do we have to count life by age!

I consider myself a failure because I may not have done my best to be a good girlfriend. I consider myself a failure because I am stubborn and not so giving and forgiving to my partner. I consider myself as a failure because I let myself dive into a deeper trench instead of just staying in a shallow water. I consider myself a failure because I became too dependent. I consider myself a failure simply because I was not good enough.

The Libra In Me.
Now despite of these plights (all for the sake of love) I know that there's no way to go but be apart from each other. I knew it was all coming. I saw it. But when I finally heard it from him, through his mouth-- it sealed everything. Irrevocable. Its bound to happen. I have to deal with this shit sooner or later. No U-Turn no Detours. I dont want him to change his plans, I dont want him to be pressured, I dont want him to say the things I wanna hear. I dont want him to make me feel better. I do want him to chase his dreams. I just want him gone because I want him to fulfill his goals without wasting any more time. I will be happy by then. Not now for sure. This is the most sensible thing to do. And i will come meet the day that I will be happy for him and I will be happy for myself. For choosing to let go and for choosing to admit that I not only failed myself in a relationship once but twice. Who knows, thrice?

I'll still love when I'm better but there's more loving needed for myself before anybody else. Maybe next time, I'll be the right one. :)

The Thirst to Learn and Be More

I might have just learned something really big that would certainly hurt me big time. And you know what that is. Familiar with the big L word? Yeah, you hit it right. And if my clue isn't enough, you would probably get the pattern that after so many years, I just had the time NOW to reopen and revisit my blog. Remember those days when I often visit my blog? Yes, those were the times I felt like shit and my fingers wont stop pounding my keyboard and it is friggin happening now.

But, there is something in hurting that is beautiful. It is maybe the fact that when you're hurt, you go back to your home which is yourself. You curl up in a ball licking your wounds and voila! You start thinking of beautiful things. Things that are just mean to enjoy by yourself. It's kinda liberating.

Now that I am hurting and well aware of my age (sounds like an odd pair) hurting doesnt mean the usual hurting anymore. It seems like something evokes from within and you feel somehow  (a little bit) good. It seems like you're about to unlatch a new version of you. And now, for some odd reasons I want to  experience more, learn more, travel more, laugh more, and listen more.  And I guess that's what I would like to see myself this year. I want to crash out more items off of my not so bucket list and I want to live life a little happier. I want to be confident again even when I am on my own. And I am positive that I can be whatever I want to be as long as I mix the right amount of attitude needed for a good recipe of life (after being burned).

ahhh Life!

Bed 38

This is definitely a good year for me. To start being productive by reading more, (im on my second book this year and currently happy being tied up with Terry McMillan's Getting to Happy) not minding other people's business and not letting them get into my nerves (struggling but doing pretty good) and most especially Im freaking serious about my goal this year of 1 DIY project per month. And of course part of being productive is to write more in my blog. I will catch up with the DIY project that I accomplished last January.

So I call this project as BED38. I made a very comfy pet bed for Hershey. Well I initially planned on making two because I have two little monsters at home. But i will make the other one on a later date for sure. So it'll be by seniority, Ishi will get the bed first. 

The internet is really a haven for DIY projects. I am not artistic and I definitely cant come up with something without imitating. I've watched a couple of videos in Youtube on how to make a pet bed. They're really good and they have slight differences from one another but they all still looked very nice and comfy for the pet. There's also a video that doesnt need any sewing at all! 

To start the project, I just needed an old sweater, some stuffings and viola, I can have a pet bed without spending hundreds of pesos. Pet beds in pet stores range from 600 and up. Hershey used to have one, a really cute and pricey one but Koby destroyed it. Going back--- Unfortunately, I dont have old sweater shirts so I was thinking on getting them at an Ukay-ukay shop. I bought the sweatshirt for 25 pesos only. I actually bought two. They're kids sizes and the one I initially picked for Hershey is too cute and up till now, Im still not ready to do anything scary about it. So I kept it locked in my closet. 

As what I told you in Facebook, I am so bad at sewing... never been good at it.. will never be good at it. Well, in doing this project the sewing doesnt have to be neat as you wont see the stitches. But you really have to stitch them good to make the bed durable.

 Tadaaahh!! The finish product! That is actually the back side of the shirt. It looks better than the front side so I decided to have the bed this way and show the little elbow patches (if thats how you call them) to add some sort of "taste" or design. It also has the number 38 hence the title, BED 38.

 The proud maker! Thanks for the boyfee for taking the picture for an obligatory shot! whe're my medal of excellence? 

A close up glance. 

I'll be on my way home later and Im just so excited to show this to everyone at home and finally have Hershey use it! I hope she will like it as I made it from scratch and poured all my love and compassion into that comfy bed of hers! 

*pics of Ishi on the bed will follow. :)

Thanks!!

tralala

The phrase, “it’s been a while” now becomes too usual here in my blog because for some reasons I can’t seem to find time in my seemingly boring life to post updates and whatnots. There is definitely a lot going on and I’m not even sure if I can even put them into words. Got no idea how to construct my thoughts anymore, blame it to the earthquake or something.

For now, I guess I just have to talk about being alone because I am in that freaking state right now. I always hate that word but I deserve a toast because for many years I’ve been crazy alone and young. My definition of alone is not having someone to hold my hands with, not having someone to say im beautiful, not having someone to share romantic moments with and all that petty childish contemplations. I hate to make up stupid words but im maturely alone now. LOL My first real boyfriend actually helped me realized a lot of things. I adore him and I like how he taught me what life really is. And ironic as it may seem, he taught me that I am “alone”. I don’t hate him for that but I thanked him because he is a top-notch realist! He is someone who doesn’t dictate my decisions in life. He let me be. And that made me realized that whether you are committed or not, you ought to be alone in coming up personal choices and decisions in life. Sometimes, I get frustrated because I feel like he has plans on his own without me in it. As a woman with over pouring emotions, I feel hurt. But this part of my life answered my questions from before—I don’t need someone to literally hold my hands to make me feel that I am not alone. With or without someone, I can do everything I wanna do. I can never be too dependent. I must do it alone. It should not be that bad. 

what are you proud of?

                Two of the things that I value the most aside from my dogs are integrity and respect. As what our previous boss mentioned, integrity is black and white. You either have it or not. You cannot have more integrity or less. It is that simple. You have it in you or you simple dont. And I think that when we talk about integrity, it is not about the little things we lie about every day because mind you, we do have those pretty little lies but what I meant about the call for integrity is doing the right thing even when it is hard for you to do so. It is doing what is ethical and what is right when you see something is wrong. It is a decision you make for yourself. It is not something others can demand from you but it is something you grow with, something you need and want to do. I am just so happy that I’ve been a part of JPMC because of its unwavering culture of integrity. We are always reminded to value integrity and put it on top of our list. I am so proud of Jaime Dimon and all the people from the company and I guess it’s one of the reasons why in amidst of global financial challenges, they remained steadfastly standing while others crumbled down into dust.  If I have to go back, I’d go home to —Chase. I think as Filipinos, we should replicate the values and systems of these people from developed countries.

                Now that I am no longer connected to such great company and because I gave way to my original profession which is teaching, INTEGRITY is not something I am willing to unlearn. I believe that because there was a change of my environment, I have to learn and unlearn things so that I can be better at what I do. But I am not willing to unlearn the value of integrity. Especially now that a lot of parents are putting their child’s welfare into my hands. Especially now that my role has changed and especially now that I am a teacher. I mould young minds and I want to teach them really good values. The hell with the lessons. I am sure they will forget about it, but when they apply for their dream jobs or when they will start opening up their own businesses, their personal and professional values will take them to heights.

             RESPECT. As human beings, it is expected of us to respect all the people around us. Whether she’s an elevator girl or an heiress. I don’t choose people to respect because I want to be respected in return. It is given that at least as humans we are to be respected and given dignity at all aspects. Deep respect however is something earned and it’s not a cheap giveaway. It is something you craft yourself so that people will respect you. Your character is the key for others to earn your respect. I am thinking about reputation vs. character. If you have the reputation but doesn’t have the character, then what are you again? Just a title.  Oh well, I don’t need to elaborate.

       I am telling all these because a week ago, all teachers with the exception of the school administrators had a closed door meeting with PAASCU. It is the PAASCU initiated the said meeting with the promise that they will not mention names but will get ideas, recommendations and suggestions because they simply believe in teachers input as they are teachers themselves. For me, it was fruitful and helpful for our school’s endeavour to be on an applicant status with PAASCU. Whatever transpired in the said conference --- I am not in the position to discuss because I have the utmost respect to the PAASCU accreditors and I believe in their capability to summarized and relay it to the administrators. Unfortunately, one of the teachers recorded the conversation. This said teacher is very close to one of the administrators, they even share the same bed every night. Why would she record it? Why is it that the day after the conversation, she was very eager to have the names of the teachers who have spoken up to the accreditors? It smells fishy. Stinky.

           I was really discouraged at what I have discovered and I was very sad to know that this person is a teacher. Why cheat? Are you not the same teacher who would always remind your young students not to cheat? It’s funny how one single action can distort the whole picture. My perception was changed right then and there. I am not proud anymore.

             It’s humongous for the life of me to shout at the Philippine Government for having such a bad economy and status of life in this country. But I don’t have to look very far because I can see irregularities in my naked eyes. Why can’t we examine ourselves if we are living each day of our lives as good people in accordance to “Christian Values”?  No wonder why Philippines will not grow into a great country because we don’t have greatness in us. We only have ambitions but we don’t have the integrity needed to move forward nor we have the very basic value of respect, we forget how to play fair. 

               knowing what's right and not doing it anyway can get ugly as this!

thehiddenchef: Ampalaya with Beef

I have a sweet inclination in the kitchen. I just developed it recently. It is a task so fulfilling because I guess it has to do with FOOD. It makes me feel like im becoming more of a WOMAN and funny but it is so liberating. Hahaha

I just downloaded a nice app in my android fone about Filipino recipes. The first time I tried it, it was a little different because this time it was a success. Remember my leche flunk? I mean leche flan. LOL Back to the app, it was very helpful and I was more than thankful because the menus are great though the number of choices available are just really few. The ingredients were easy to find and affordable (I can even see them in our kitchen without having the fuzz to buy), because again they are all Filipino cuisines.

I made Ampalaya with Beef for my boyfriend and I was all smiles because I knew it would be a success and the boyfee really liked it!

Now for my note’s sake, I decided to just blog about every cooking moments of my life because I am not a pro and chances are, I will just soon forget how the magic is done. Well, I cooked the Ampalaya some time ago so I have to open the menu/ app again for a review on what I did.

This infamous vegetable (I know a lot don’t like Ampalaya ;p) has substances that help control blood sugar. This is just perfect for me coming from a family with diabetic grandparents. And the rest? All I can say is its really bitter!

In the app, the menu was categorized under “Mga Ginisang Gulay” because both boifee and I love vegetables. I know that Ampalaya or bitter gourd isn’t the most desirable vegetable there is and I remember when I was a kid they’re at the bottom of my “what’s-not-to-eat-food” list. Oh well, it changed when I was in my freshman year in college when a classmate of mine boasted her mom’s Ampalaya cooking. It was indeed good! I don’t know, I find it bitter 24 years ago and it doesn’t change up till now. Oh well, the mind has a world of its own. I now liked it! So much about the history, let’s get it on!

By the way, I am a starter in the kitchen but I am a hell of deviant when it comes to measurements. Lol I remember purchasing ¼ of beef, the ampalaya (but of course!), onion, garlic and all that spice. You know what I mean right?

Boyfriend and I were on a debate whether we slice 2 whole ampalayas or not. I ended up slicing one big whole and half. Now to make sure I don’t serve a super bitter ampalaya, I washed it with water (before slicing it into small pieces, I cut them half lengthwise first) and I put generous amount of salt all over using my hands. I let it stay for quite some time. I put water again and squeezed it like a stress ball just to make sure the bitter taste will somehow lessen.

Now in a separate bowl, I added soy sauce, salt and pepper. The app says to put oyster sauce too but we didn’t have Oyster sauce. You will let all the goodness sip through the beef so don’t be stupid and let it stay for a while. I’ll say 10-15 minutes.

Now in a pan, saute garlic and onion. Add the marinated beef followed with a glass of water. Cover the pan. Go grab that book you’ve been meaning to read because this thing will take forever. Haha In other words, you wait till the beef soften.

Once you think that the beef is good to go, add the sliced ampalaya. Let it stay for about 3 minutes. I personally don’t like the vegetable overcooked. Add corn starch and Magic Sarap and stir. In my case, the boifee wants to taste the pepper most of the time so I added more pepper in this stage. You will know that the corn starch has done its purpose if the sauce has thickened already.

 tadaaahhh!!!

I've been Facebooked!

Talking about making your dreams a reality, my cousin just finished a series of “Facebooked: the Musical” play. He was sort of the artistic director of the said play showcasing pure Cebuano talents. It was indeed a very nice musical play. It is very original, the songs they composed are just plainly awesome that I sing some of them at home and of course, the play centers around FACEBOOK. Just like LOVE, Facebook is a very profound word. For the life of me, I cant put any words that best describes this social networking site. It is all over. I just can’t imagine meeting someone without a Facebook. It’s like a disgrace if you don’t own any profile in this site. And mind you, my dad has his profile… which is of course being opened and managed by my mom. He doesn’t do Facebook but he has an account. See my point? And oh, it is noteworthy that those titos and titas I’ve known when I was still a mere child are on my friend list too. Oh well, I can talk about Facebook for hours- the transformation, how I started, what it had done to me and to my friends… oh well everything and it may not still be enough because just like the intricacies of the word LOVE, Facebook is as intricate as it can be.

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. Just like a perfect brew of caffeine it is downright addicting. I wanted to scroll and scroll and check and check even when there is nothing important to check. I wanted to check if the area I go to has Wi-Fi and I would instantly go to Facebook. I like Facebook but you see, I hate it too. It is really a waste of time. It is indeed a waste of time. I cant imagine I threw my Saturday away facing my phone browsing through Facebook. I am ridiculous and I admit that but I like Facebook. I mean Facebook has been there for ages and it indeed connects people but sometimes we get too tied with it and we lose time in return.

I wanna be a better person. Instead of looking at my own profile (that’s what I do most of the time when I am in logged in to FB) or other people’s profile, I must limit myself. There is a world out there. How I wish I can just deactivate my Facebook. Because most of the time, I feel like FB is just a show. And it promotes envy, or you tend to post things that will look as if your life is fabulous when its really not! (ha! Reality bites). How I wish I’d post less stuff and how I’d wish I can do more than just FB.

I wanna be a better person so for now on, I will linger on more helpful stuff instead of FB. I will blog more and express myself more through writing. I will research more helpful articles and read more instead of Facebooking. I will IG more when I need to post pics. I will get a life and FB less.

From this day on, I will try my best to limit Facebook for not more than 5 hours in a week. I will keep a mental tracker. I like how I try to improve myself. LOL And I know I can pull this off!