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We all get hurt. It's practically normal and its part of our existence. When we're at it, it feels like the whole world is closing in on us... that there's no other way out, that the love we cared the most is gone. I myself lingered with such pain. I think its pretty normal to act like a goddamn fool but how you handle it as a whole can define who you are. I experienced how a dream died before my eyes, its the most painful thing ever to see. I've heard stories of how love has lost and in my mind and in my heart, i felt like i have understood almost all of  them. It is ugly but we have to deal with it.
I went out with friends, I tried new things, I kept myself busy with just about everything. I rendered extra hours at work, I cried in the washroom, in my station. I went to bars and I read books. I did things not to just preoccupy my mind but at the same time i know that in my mind i have to live. And the super melodramatic question would constantly come in... "what's the meaning of life  if i have to do everything alone?" I had to ask myself why people wont like me. though im crushed inside, i persisted. I made it sure that i can prove it to myself that im way better than my insecurities. I made a promise to love myself first. i talked to God almost everyday. I made good deeds to atleast 1 person each day. it made me feel better. I felt like I dont need to love just one person, i can make a relationship to the world.  i gained new friends and I realized that im finally seeing life in a new light.

You see, if you're broken and you feel insecure there's no one who can fix the damage but you. you "self-medicate". It's definitely ok to  take a moment to cry and let the pain linger for a moment. Feel every minute of  it as it painfully tears down your chest. Cry if you must.

But dont forget that you must get up and wipe those sad tears coz you are just about bound to change your life for the better. We are all made better after a heart ache. Being better should be the next direction after your heart's being devastated. And perhaps, maybe that's why we need to get hurt so that we will come out as better persons. Do not shut someone out of your heart because you have been hurt. Never despair. But instead, love yourself more, acknowledge your capabilities, celebrate YOU and be the person whom people will look up to. then who knows... someone is watching you from afar .. already fallin into the most candid and natural YOU :)

its been quite a while

Alot has happened this year, and hopefully there will be more to come for the last 2 months of  2012 . There are just alot and I guess, ironic as it may seem, it's one of the reasons why I dont get to write stuff about my life anymore. I can't believe we're moving to the last month of the year. Well, kinda moving that way. One thing that I realized and proven is the fact that when you start off with a positive vibe, then somehow you will get to see a favorable outcome. Like when I always say to myself at the beginning of the year, that 2012 will be my year. I held on to that thought. I was able to breakfree with the misery that Mike had brought to me. I was able to survive hell-ish days, weeks, months at work with so much poise and grace. I learned to drive and later will be getting my drivers license! (talking about positive vibe huh) but  most especially, i found someone new. He fills my days with love :) I just cant believe it. I think im real picky when it comes to men that's why even when I want to forget my dream of a happy fuckin ending with Mike, I still find it handy to be with my own self than being with someone who does nothing but turn me off all day. But Tony is different. He has his own swag that perfectly fits my preference on a man. He doesnt glorify me like crazy and I like that. He is mature enough and maybe it fits my being playful. I dont know. He loves me for sure but of course there are complications along the way. I know he's one big thing in my life right now but I am in an unwritten contract that I am not allowed to expect more from our relationship because I think that's what he wants and I want it that way too to avoid heart aches i guess.  But doing so without hurting is BS. It still hurts that I agree to not allow myself to look at it in a long term relationship because I feel like im wasting my time. But, a part of me says it never is a waste of time because the present is all that counts and it all that matters anyways. Well maybe I just find it weird to know that I am just waiting for this to end. Not because I want to but because it has to... eventually. But I as much as possible, I dont want to linger in that thought  but I just want myself to continue to be happy by being the right person for him each day that we're together. It's a happy feeling at all! ;p

One More Chance

When it comes to movies, content is important for me. Questions like, "Is it realistic?" if it's not, "will it keep me entertained the whole time?" are the top things I would asked to make a movie good enough for me. Filipino movies are not the most enticing to watch on my "list" because they are not that realistic for me and sometimes they just don't keep me entertained at all. Or sometimes, I dont find any social relevance in them  compared to Indian movies that I watched in the past. When I watch, it should be transcending or if not, it should just be as realistic as one could be. One More Chance is by far my favorite Filipino movie. The story is simple but it in all aspects, its true and it can happen to anyone in real life. I like how a story can be so tragic. Hey its tragic but so is life. 

                                      That's a spoof pic my friends and I made when we we're bored in Davao.


I can watch the movie again and again. I commend John Lloyd and umm Bea Alonzo for a job well done. It tells us about how beautiful love is when they're shared by someone but at the same time, its the same love that can bring so much pain and misery on each and everyone. Goes to show that too much love is dangerous coz you're giving pieces of you to that person and he/she can break your heart and can spin your life upside down  ANYTIME, without you knowing when. It can give you a real hard blow. The movie captures everything and I love it.

One of my favorite scene was when the guy told the girl that he will be going away to Qatar for work. He mentioned about how he still loves the girl but he's the one who needs "time" this time. It's complicated but with the pain he's gone through, its totally understandable. The girl absolutely knows where he's coming from. They locked it with a good release of painful tears and a bittersweet kiss.

                                                                        my fave scene :(

When you love, leave a portion of yourself to yourself. Give each other  own personal space and time. Being together doesnt mean you need to do everything together. Plan your own trip, your own "me time" and make your own decisions. You can do all these and still come home to the person that you love. Strive to be better everyday for yourself and for your loved ones. But hey, nobody will be able to realize all of these without getting hurt. Like, what I said, its complicated. It is beautiful but sad. Love is profound and it has its own and unique definition to each and everyone of us. Here's one of  my favorite lines from Popoy. 

"I want my HEART to stop breaking, sana pag naging tayo na ulit, kaya na kitang mahalin ng buong buo. na walang halong takot kung masaktan man tayo ulit."

driver's license

           I am the most laid back person I ever met. Im not even sure if that's the right word. It's just that, I dont keep goals that much so I often end up wandering in the air. I think its something that I need to work on in the future. Well, I do have things I wanted to accomplish in life, I just needed to be more focus, I guess. 

           So, I remembered that early this year I had a few goals I wanna accomplish before this year will end. I guess I was keeping it at a very minimum number of 3 goals. I honestly cant remember the third one and most probably its the reason why by far (as early as now) I only get to see the two in progress ;p Anyhow, Im happy about it.

             My first goal is something I wanna talk about some other time, in another post. But the second one is about obtaining a driver's license! So lookie the title of the blog! 

           Now to start off, here's a pic of myself in the driver's seat.

                                                   I am now the girl behind the wheels!

            Oh well, for the life of my dad-- he believed that I can never drive a manual car so he bought an automatic and used car that I can use to and from work. It's a 2004 model of Nissan March. Well, who cares. I just needed wheels so I was kind of happy because that means, it will eventually put a stop to my seemingly endless agony of commuting every day. 

           But of course, I needed to get proper license in driving. I got one last month. 

  It's a student permit that I needed to get first

       I am impressed of how fast and orderly the LTO (Talisay) was when I acquired my student permit. It was very convenient and I went through a smooth process. I paid about P300 to get one. It's actually my second time in getting a student permit. It expires after a year but you can apply for a real license (Professional or Non Professional) after a month from the day you got the SP. So an SP looks like the one above. I must say that I hate the government photo IDS! Everything in their office is routine so they wont care much if you're prepared to get yourself a shot or not. So mine looks like a disaster, as always!

         I just got back from my trip in Palawan. Earlier today, I went to LTO to get my Non Prof license. I paid about a hundred pesos to start the process. I chose to follow the standard process in obtaining a license wherein one would need to pass the written exams before the practical test. Well to cut the chase, I didnt pass the written exams. Needed to get 30 out of 40 but I only got 29! I dont know if I will be frustrated. Well I guess I am. I needed to wait another month to reapply. So thats another friggin 30 days of not being allowed to drive alone! Oh well, I am too dormant to take any risk/ exams so failing the written exams made me sad today. The thing about it though is that I can retake the next month. Now my mini goal is to nail the exams and give them a whooping perfect score! hahaha

         Everything happens for a reason, maybe despite of my hours in practicing driving, maybe I needed another month to practice more before the practical exams. Hopefully next month I wont need any lucks to pass. I will ace it for sure ;p

           

driver

I'm a certified commuter. Riding jeepneys to and from everywhere around the city is a part of my daily life; its a part of my system so its not something big of a deal. But i will mention it anyway. Im gunna make it worth a topic for my blog.

Riding jeepneys are convenient to most cebuanos and at the same time, it saves you a whole lot of money. Do the math; 8 vs 60 pesos for a short distance trip if you'd go for the windy jeepney ride rather than hailing a taxi cab. It definitely has perks. When you are seated all the way inside, you get to feel how to be the "konduktor" as you obviously will be given the favorable task of handing the fare to the driver and vice versa.     One of the very common scenario would be the jam packed arrangement which you dont really have much of a choice but to comply and squeeze your whole body in because the driver insists of the "walo-walo" seating capacity. Oh boy, you wouldnt imagine how in the world you we're able to sit and fit in a very tiny space and yet you are able to reach your destination with all your body parts whole, intact and in place. Oh well... Those are the few things one can experience in riding a jeepney. I can write a book about it!

Well, on my way home earlier my jeepney ride was kind of interesting. As opposed to the typical jeepney driver, im a bit surprised because our destined driver at that time reminds me of a typical balik-bayan or ofw from "saudi" with all those thick silver jewelries hanging around his neck and wrist with a gigantic ring on his finger. I am definitely not belittling jeepney drivers but he is not the usual scene. Then a story automatically would create inside my head. Maybe perhaps he is a retired and loyal employee and has got nothing to do on a fine saturday night that's why he is out in the road making money out of his boredom. Maybe he was indeed a humble ofw, he gets to accomplished sending all his kids to school and now he is taking life slow and makes a little money out of driving jeepney. Did I mention he's got an ipod to play for his music? Well, I will never know... What I know is he kept me awake from the whole trip because he's given me things to think about. I just find the little things in life interesting. Well whatever that is, he brought me home safe so  I pray that God will continue to bless him. There's more i gotta share about my jeepney rides but I'll settle for a few things now coz im really tired.

Wait, what's with fake grapes hanging on jeepneys' dash boards??

he makes me happy

Though lovers be lost, love shall not. Dylan Thomas' line had' hit me. I seldom write about happy things and I'm writing one today. I feel i am loved, wanted and needed by Tony.
Taciturn. That's what he is. That's how I always known him to be. But there is so much in him and he makes me wonder all of the time. I dont know, I feel like what we have right now, is so precious and its something I dont wanna lose. He simply makes me happy and I he said the same thing to me. We can be happy and not think about the future. I can live with that...

evasion

I knew all the while it that was his choice to walk away from me. I was in deep denial by then, it was spiral. Endless spiral downward staircase of dark emptiness; an abyss I so greatly feared. And one day, (I forgot exactly when) I woke up and told myself that I have to stand on my own, that I should bury the thoughts of him and just simply move on. I did. There were lesser and lesser questions in my mind; why he didnt contact me, and what he's been doing, what his daily routine like, if I ever cross his mind. I'll keep my share of pain and hopefully will learn from all of  it.

I am moving on. Painfully, slowly but im moving on. I just hate the fact that even when I know im heading to that direction, he still holds something in me. I cant ignore the fact that he still has power over me. He still does because this "him-evasion" is still haunting me, it still gets to me. Every once in a while, in the middle of my reverie, his thoughts would permeate. And i cannot speak on his behalf. I dont know why he left without letting me know. I don't know why if it's because i am being too much on him.... i really dont know why. I just knew I deserve answers and it may be something I cannot find in one single lifetime.

Perhaps, in another lifetime?