mumbles heard from a bored person

im scAred of being alone. its funny coz i like being alone but it hurts me being that way. im a masochist maybe... its just that when im alone i would have the time to examine myself and i will start asking lotsa questions. questions that im avoiding and answers that are fAr from being possible. just like now, ive been asking myself if whose goin to take care of me when everyone i knew has someone to take care already. im asking if i would have the love that i deserve. im asking how much longer is the need to wait or will i be love in return? will it still come? being the libra girl that i am, i always give justice to both sides of the story, mayybe that's why im patient like this. sometimes, i just would like to be the right person instead of waiting for whoever iis mr. right... but half of the time, i would wish someone will make me feel im special too... i just need that one little act.

waiting is a mystery

Author: Napoleon Gonzales III

Waiting is a mystery - a natural sacrament of life - there is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives. Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting (testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in self-control.)

We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend to call or show up for a date. We wait in line at cinemas and theaters. Our airline terminals, railway stations and bus depots are great temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one - or wait in sadness to say goodbye. And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next stop. We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success and recognition. We wait to grow up - to reach the stage where we make our own decisions.

We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is a part of the tapestry of living - the fabric in which the threads are woven to tell the story of our lives.Yet current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait - Instant pleasure, instant transcendence. Do not wait for anything. Life is short - eat, drink and be merry because tomorrow you will die.

And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom- they warn against attachments and commitments - against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us - against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and wait. This may be the correct prescription for pleasure - but even that is fleeting and doubtful.

If we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, soul as well as heart, we have to learn to wait. For if we never learn to wait, we will never learn to love someone other than ourselves. But most of all, waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery, brushing by our face everyday like a stray leaf falling from a tree.

Anyone who has loved knows how much waiting goes into it - how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime.

Why is this? Why can't we have it right now, what we so desperately want and need? Why must we wait - two years, three years - and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruits - the seed to flower - carbon to change to diamond.

There is no simple answer - no more than there is to life's other demands - having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have made other commitments or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives - you having to leave home and loved ones to find your own path. Good-byes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

All we know is that growth - the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other a time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting - of being present without asking demands and rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It truly tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give.

So lovers wait for each other - until they can see things the same way - or let each other freely see things in quite different ways. There are times when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance of intimacy of the way they were. They have to wait - in silence - but still present to each other - until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story.

What do we lose when we refuse to wait, when we try to find shortcuts through life - when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of truly loving or of being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature - isn't it of their very essence that they are filled with this strange but common mystery - that waiting is part of the substance - the basic fabric against which the story of that true love is written.

How can we ever find either life or true love if we are too impatient to wait for it? Waiting is a good thing only if something is worth waiting for.

How will you know if it's worth it? Gut feel. What if you don't trust your gut? Pray. You will be enlightened. Trust me.

Is it wrong to expect while waiting? It's not wrong, but it will increase your chances of heartbreak and disappointment if things don't work out in the end.

Is it good to expect while waiting? It is better to HOPE.

What's the difference between hoping and expecting? HOPING means you're open to either side of the coin landing though you're more inclined to believe that things will turn out well. EXPECTING means you're thinking single-track, which won't do you much good at all.

What's the difference between waiting and expecting? EXPECTING is waiting for something TO DEFINITELY HAPPEN. WAITING is staying where you are, but not necessarily expecting something to happen definitely.

Do you need assurance from someone you're waiting for while you're waiting? Ideally, yes. But realistically, do you really want assurance from this person? It's so easy to just point at something and make that the reason why you're waiting ("Because she said..." "Because he told me that...").

With WAITING, all you really can rely on are 3 things: your gut feel, your heart and your mind. Just YOURSELF, not anyone else.

So should you wait? What does your gut say? How does your heart feel? What does your mind think? If they're saying different things, keep asking yourself these 3 questions (and pray!) until you get a solid answer. THEN you'll know if he or she is worth waiting for.

work :)

Im kind of depress at work coz im not hitting my QA scores. My manager thinks this is because of my jolly character that he thinks is hindering myself from getting the right score he wanted for me. Well, not really for me but for his self too! I don't like how he handles agents, sometimes when were on a meeting, his words are kinda like scripted and too fake. I did not join the team breakfast because of him too. Nah, I wanna keep it civil with him and im trying my fuckin best to hit QA not for him but for myself! -- sometimes, it just doesnt work! Its soo damn frustrating!

the heart or the mind

im stubborn. sometimes it causes me hard feelings, it makes me forget how to care for myself. i dont know what to do. i dont know what lies ahead. i dont know how long i could stay strong and how firm i could stand on my words. nobody could give me exact answers. i just go whatever my heart tells me...

my heart says to be patient, my mind says its enough. my heart says its by God's time but my mind tells me that God's answer is already a no. my heart would like to give way and is willing to forget its own sorrows but my mind says its about time to wake up and see reality as it is.

Hey its My Birthday

hehe.. I wish someone could give me a birthday cake. But its okay. Many had greeted me in facebook just because they see thats it my birthday today but still im happy because of that. 22 years of existence and I feel good about it. Im treating my friends out later at Redbox and hope to have a good time with them.

I thank you Lord for all the blessings. There are things that frustrates me bec of expectations that hasn't meet. I wish Mike had prepared a love letter perhaps or emailed me colorful happy birthday text in the email but he completely forgot about my birthday. hehe

But still, I thank God for the gift of life.

of my random thoughts

I've looked into myself and I admit that I've been ungrateful for the things and people that I have in my life. I tried to wipe away my miseries by thinking that despite of everything, I still have a beautiful world ahead of me. I knew Im lucky enough to have my family. We're not perfect but its real and I know that I would always have them no matter what. I got my Papa, who simply knows how to fill in what is needed and missing in my life. He would drive me to work or ask me things that I needed so that he would know and have peace in mind that Im alright. How could I ever think of him as bias as I would always think he loves my sister more than he loves me. I think its time to shove that kind of thinking... What I am grateful more is that fact that I have my sister with me. She never judge me and knowing this, I know I will always got her on my back. And the rest is the same with my siblings and mama. I know they will be around and it makes me feel complete having them in my life.

I also would like to thank God for the blessings he showered upon me. No, I can't have everything but what He has given me is more than enough. I wish there will come a time when I could give back the blessings God has given me. Im so much thankful that I have to get up every night to work and much more thankful because God always protects me where ever I go even when Im alone. I remembered my customer over the phone, she taught me a prayer; I forgot the words verbatim but its something like, God bless me today and I pray that there's nothing that You and me can't handle. It was a brief yet beautiful prayer. Among all the angry customers I get, I thank God that He routed that single call to me and I get to speak with that lady. Its such a blessing... In addition to that, Im so grateful that I passed QA for the month of September. Truly indeed that God answers prayers . I've been praying for it and working hard on it. I pray God will be with me on this...

I wish I could repay the goodness that the Lord has shown to me. I guess my own share on this would be to try my best to be better everyday. To be courageous to do a little change everyday and to make a good habit out of it. God is good, and thats all i know...

talking about my Faith

We could never be strong enough. There will always be time that regardless of our effort to keep it cool we are affected by things around us. There will always be times that no matter how we put things in the right perspective, we get hurt and we still question them. There will always be that time when after all the brave person that you are, you cry in the middle of the night when everybody is in deep slumber. We try to hide our weaknesses, our fears, our shortcomings pretending to be strong, but are we? Maybe at some point we are on that thought but I realized we could never be strong enough. There will always be a part of us that seeks shelter; where we just lay all of ourselves in confidence and in this imperfect world that we have, I realized that our faith and prayers helps alot. It is knowing that we are nothing if we do not have faith. Faith comes in a different form, whether faith in yourself or in your own beliefs. But the biggest and powerful faith one could ever have is the faith in the Lord. I admit I never really have it. I was so wrong to not pause, reflect and pray. I was so wrong to not ask HELP from Him thinking I could manage it. I was so wrong to not appreciate the things and the people that I have and the things that I never even have. I realized that I've been astray and Im so lost without Him. I thought Im strong enough but I never was. Maybe this is one of the pivotal moments in my life, I need God in my life to get through all of these. I need to thank Him for the gift of being alive, for the blessing of having such a great and loving family, for the job that I have right now, for His guidance every time I go to work at night, for the friends whom I love and have, for the beauty in this world. Most especially, I thank Him for giving me Mike, for the pain of holding on and waiting, for always letting me know that tomorrow is full of uncertainties because all of these reminds me that I need God in my life. And with Him, I know it will be alright. I'll rest my future to God...