Truth is, my relationship is in trouble. I guess I wasn't strong enough to keep it all inside. It's just sad that the person whom you choose to jump on board with is someone who cant help you stay afloat. We're sinking and I'm not sure how to go over with it.
Right now, I am just as willing to let go and do it solo. I am effin fed up and as much as I love to tell myself that I should work this out with him, I don't have any reasons to. Maybe I don't love him anymore. And maybe I can stay for a little longer till God knows when for the sake of my daughter.
When Mike out of nowhere contacted me, I was thrilled by his comeback but he is as virtual as he was before but I was thankful he did that. It might be one of the best thing he did for me after all the heartaches he'd unknowingly done. I finally had the closure I've been praying so hard and I was able to let myself know that Im over him. I have Cassie and Tony and the future ahead with them. When a friend asked me what if he'll ask me to marry him, I told my friend that I'd probably say yes because I'd finally get to see a clearer picture of a happy family in us.
But I know he is not going to marry me. The idea of being married to him scares the hell out of me but there is something inside that keeps on wondering how it will be like. Idk, its confusing. Life is confusing at all.
But right now, we're not talking and I like it. When we talk, it made me sad and when we dont it made me feel the same way but I am more at peace like this. I have no one to argue with, I have no one to ask permission to, I have my own world back and I dont have to fight so hard to get his approval and to get him to agree with my thoughts and with the things that I know. I dont have to yell.
I just couldn't stand how he can be so negative at all times. I just want someone who can turn on a good song and sing while the traffic is heavy.
I put a strong front and sometimes it does me no good and right now, I just want to go away with Cassie. I want to ask for her forgiveness if only she can understand me. I want to let her know that mama sometimes feels very tired. And that mama sometimes needs to feel that she is loved, appreciated and wanted. I am doggone tired but I know this too shall pass.
