The phrase, “it’s been a while”
now becomes too usual here in my blog because for some reasons I can’t seem to
find time in my seemingly boring life to post updates and whatnots. There is
definitely a lot going on and I’m not even sure if I can even put them into
words. Got no idea how to construct my thoughts anymore, blame it to the
earthquake or something.
For now, I guess I just have to
talk about being alone because I am in that freaking state right now. I always
hate that word but I deserve a toast because for many years I’ve been crazy
alone and young. My definition of alone is not having someone to hold my hands
with, not having someone to say im beautiful, not having someone to share
romantic moments with and all that petty childish contemplations. I hate to
make up stupid words but im maturely alone now. LOL My first real boyfriend
actually helped me realized a lot of things. I adore him and I like how he
taught me what life really is. And ironic as it may seem, he taught me that I
am “alone”. I don’t hate him for that but I thanked him because he is a
top-notch realist! He is someone who doesn’t dictate my decisions in life. He
let me be. And that made me realized that whether you are committed or not, you
ought to be alone in coming up personal choices and decisions in life.
Sometimes, I get frustrated because I feel like he has plans on his own without
me in it. As a woman with over pouring emotions, I feel hurt. But this part of
my life answered my questions from before—I don’t need someone to literally
hold my hands to make me feel that I am not alone. With or without someone, I
can do everything I wanna do. I can never be too dependent. I must do it alone.
It should not be that bad.
