doomed

Truth is, my relationship is in trouble. I guess I wasn't strong enough to keep it all inside. It's just sad that the person whom you choose to jump on board with is someone who cant help you stay afloat. We're sinking and I'm not sure how to go over with it.

Right now, I am just as willing to let go and do it solo. I am effin fed up and as much as I love to tell myself that I should work this out with him, I don't have any reasons to. Maybe I don't love him anymore. And maybe I can stay for a little longer till God knows when for the sake of my daughter.

When Mike out of nowhere contacted me, I was thrilled by his comeback but he is as virtual as he was before but I was thankful he did that. It might be one of the best thing he did for me after all the heartaches he'd unknowingly done.  I finally had the closure I've been praying so hard and I was able to let myself know that Im over him. I have Cassie and Tony and the future ahead with them. When a friend asked me what if he'll ask me to marry him, I told my friend that I'd probably say yes because I'd finally get to see a clearer picture of a happy family in us.

But I know he is not going to marry me. The idea of being married to him scares the hell out of me but there is something inside that keeps on wondering how it will be like. Idk, its confusing. Life is confusing at all.

But right now, we're not talking and I like it. When we talk, it made me sad and when we dont it made me feel the same way but I am more at peace like this. I have no one to argue with, I have no one to ask permission to, I have my own world back and I dont have to fight so hard to get his approval and to get him to agree with my thoughts and with the things that I know. I dont have to yell.

I just couldn't stand how he can be so negative at all times. I just want someone who can turn on a good song and sing while the traffic is heavy.

I put a strong front and sometimes it does me no good and right now, I just want to go away with Cassie. I want to ask for her forgiveness if only she can understand me. I want to let her know that mama sometimes feels very tired. And that mama sometimes needs to feel that she is loved, appreciated and wanted. I am doggone tired but I know this too shall pass.

My new blog link

I've been away for oh so may months from my dear 6 year old blog because 11 months ago, I decided to make a whole new blog about my journey through motherhood. What pushed me to finally do such decision is because I thought that it will be best to start something new since having a baby is obviously getting through a new horizon and primarily because I forgot the password to this account. This page is so dear to me and dont keep me started why, the age of this blog will tell you why. I was too lazy to remember my password and visiting my link (thank God my link is written in my dna) and skimming through the dates got me thinking that I should not stop writing in this little secret blog of mine. I dont care if I dont have readers, it just feels good knowing I can go back to my thoughts. Its a good way to spend my ME time. Like, literally ha!

Anyways, here is the link of the blog I started in July. And as usual, I am always behind my post. Pre and post pregnancy, I always blog late so what's the difference huh.

Tumblr is a nice website and i love it but I love this site more!
CLICK to view my chronicles!

Every Failed Relationship is a Failure in Your Part

Whatever the hell his reasons are, I see myself as a failure. Getting into a relationship with someone in their 30's is kinda tricky. This is mostly the age (idk whomever's chart formulated it) when someone would ideally settle down. Settling down may mean having a stable job, feeding your savings more, actually fulfilling your dreams, and may also mean getting yourself a lifetime partner. It may not be "getting" but most of the times "looking" for a perfect lifetime partner. I am on my mid twenties and I am in a "fun" but "pressured" state. Fun because its in my DNA to look and have fun and pressured in a way that I need to have a contingency plan in leading my life. Oh boy, why do we have to count life by age!

I consider myself a failure because I may not have done my best to be a good girlfriend. I consider myself a failure because I am stubborn and not so giving and forgiving to my partner. I consider myself as a failure because I let myself dive into a deeper trench instead of just staying in a shallow water. I consider myself a failure because I became too dependent. I consider myself a failure simply because I was not good enough.

The Libra In Me.
Now despite of these plights (all for the sake of love) I know that there's no way to go but be apart from each other. I knew it was all coming. I saw it. But when I finally heard it from him, through his mouth-- it sealed everything. Irrevocable. Its bound to happen. I have to deal with this shit sooner or later. No U-Turn no Detours. I dont want him to change his plans, I dont want him to be pressured, I dont want him to say the things I wanna hear. I dont want him to make me feel better. I do want him to chase his dreams. I just want him gone because I want him to fulfill his goals without wasting any more time. I will be happy by then. Not now for sure. This is the most sensible thing to do. And i will come meet the day that I will be happy for him and I will be happy for myself. For choosing to let go and for choosing to admit that I not only failed myself in a relationship once but twice. Who knows, thrice?

I'll still love when I'm better but there's more loving needed for myself before anybody else. Maybe next time, I'll be the right one. :)

The Thirst to Learn and Be More

I might have just learned something really big that would certainly hurt me big time. And you know what that is. Familiar with the big L word? Yeah, you hit it right. And if my clue isn't enough, you would probably get the pattern that after so many years, I just had the time NOW to reopen and revisit my blog. Remember those days when I often visit my blog? Yes, those were the times I felt like shit and my fingers wont stop pounding my keyboard and it is friggin happening now.

But, there is something in hurting that is beautiful. It is maybe the fact that when you're hurt, you go back to your home which is yourself. You curl up in a ball licking your wounds and voila! You start thinking of beautiful things. Things that are just mean to enjoy by yourself. It's kinda liberating.

Now that I am hurting and well aware of my age (sounds like an odd pair) hurting doesnt mean the usual hurting anymore. It seems like something evokes from within and you feel somehow  (a little bit) good. It seems like you're about to unlatch a new version of you. And now, for some odd reasons I want to  experience more, learn more, travel more, laugh more, and listen more.  And I guess that's what I would like to see myself this year. I want to crash out more items off of my not so bucket list and I want to live life a little happier. I want to be confident again even when I am on my own. And I am positive that I can be whatever I want to be as long as I mix the right amount of attitude needed for a good recipe of life (after being burned).

ahhh Life!

Bed 38

This is definitely a good year for me. To start being productive by reading more, (im on my second book this year and currently happy being tied up with Terry McMillan's Getting to Happy) not minding other people's business and not letting them get into my nerves (struggling but doing pretty good) and most especially Im freaking serious about my goal this year of 1 DIY project per month. And of course part of being productive is to write more in my blog. I will catch up with the DIY project that I accomplished last January.

So I call this project as BED38. I made a very comfy pet bed for Hershey. Well I initially planned on making two because I have two little monsters at home. But i will make the other one on a later date for sure. So it'll be by seniority, Ishi will get the bed first. 

The internet is really a haven for DIY projects. I am not artistic and I definitely cant come up with something without imitating. I've watched a couple of videos in Youtube on how to make a pet bed. They're really good and they have slight differences from one another but they all still looked very nice and comfy for the pet. There's also a video that doesnt need any sewing at all! 

To start the project, I just needed an old sweater, some stuffings and viola, I can have a pet bed without spending hundreds of pesos. Pet beds in pet stores range from 600 and up. Hershey used to have one, a really cute and pricey one but Koby destroyed it. Going back--- Unfortunately, I dont have old sweater shirts so I was thinking on getting them at an Ukay-ukay shop. I bought the sweatshirt for 25 pesos only. I actually bought two. They're kids sizes and the one I initially picked for Hershey is too cute and up till now, Im still not ready to do anything scary about it. So I kept it locked in my closet. 

As what I told you in Facebook, I am so bad at sewing... never been good at it.. will never be good at it. Well, in doing this project the sewing doesnt have to be neat as you wont see the stitches. But you really have to stitch them good to make the bed durable.

 Tadaaahh!! The finish product! That is actually the back side of the shirt. It looks better than the front side so I decided to have the bed this way and show the little elbow patches (if thats how you call them) to add some sort of "taste" or design. It also has the number 38 hence the title, BED 38.

 The proud maker! Thanks for the boyfee for taking the picture for an obligatory shot! whe're my medal of excellence? 

A close up glance. 

I'll be on my way home later and Im just so excited to show this to everyone at home and finally have Hershey use it! I hope she will like it as I made it from scratch and poured all my love and compassion into that comfy bed of hers! 

*pics of Ishi on the bed will follow. :)

Thanks!!

tralala

The phrase, “it’s been a while” now becomes too usual here in my blog because for some reasons I can’t seem to find time in my seemingly boring life to post updates and whatnots. There is definitely a lot going on and I’m not even sure if I can even put them into words. Got no idea how to construct my thoughts anymore, blame it to the earthquake or something.

For now, I guess I just have to talk about being alone because I am in that freaking state right now. I always hate that word but I deserve a toast because for many years I’ve been crazy alone and young. My definition of alone is not having someone to hold my hands with, not having someone to say im beautiful, not having someone to share romantic moments with and all that petty childish contemplations. I hate to make up stupid words but im maturely alone now. LOL My first real boyfriend actually helped me realized a lot of things. I adore him and I like how he taught me what life really is. And ironic as it may seem, he taught me that I am “alone”. I don’t hate him for that but I thanked him because he is a top-notch realist! He is someone who doesn’t dictate my decisions in life. He let me be. And that made me realized that whether you are committed or not, you ought to be alone in coming up personal choices and decisions in life. Sometimes, I get frustrated because I feel like he has plans on his own without me in it. As a woman with over pouring emotions, I feel hurt. But this part of my life answered my questions from before—I don’t need someone to literally hold my hands to make me feel that I am not alone. With or without someone, I can do everything I wanna do. I can never be too dependent. I must do it alone. It should not be that bad. 

what are you proud of?

                Two of the things that I value the most aside from my dogs are integrity and respect. As what our previous boss mentioned, integrity is black and white. You either have it or not. You cannot have more integrity or less. It is that simple. You have it in you or you simple dont. And I think that when we talk about integrity, it is not about the little things we lie about every day because mind you, we do have those pretty little lies but what I meant about the call for integrity is doing the right thing even when it is hard for you to do so. It is doing what is ethical and what is right when you see something is wrong. It is a decision you make for yourself. It is not something others can demand from you but it is something you grow with, something you need and want to do. I am just so happy that I’ve been a part of JPMC because of its unwavering culture of integrity. We are always reminded to value integrity and put it on top of our list. I am so proud of Jaime Dimon and all the people from the company and I guess it’s one of the reasons why in amidst of global financial challenges, they remained steadfastly standing while others crumbled down into dust.  If I have to go back, I’d go home to —Chase. I think as Filipinos, we should replicate the values and systems of these people from developed countries.

                Now that I am no longer connected to such great company and because I gave way to my original profession which is teaching, INTEGRITY is not something I am willing to unlearn. I believe that because there was a change of my environment, I have to learn and unlearn things so that I can be better at what I do. But I am not willing to unlearn the value of integrity. Especially now that a lot of parents are putting their child’s welfare into my hands. Especially now that my role has changed and especially now that I am a teacher. I mould young minds and I want to teach them really good values. The hell with the lessons. I am sure they will forget about it, but when they apply for their dream jobs or when they will start opening up their own businesses, their personal and professional values will take them to heights.

             RESPECT. As human beings, it is expected of us to respect all the people around us. Whether she’s an elevator girl or an heiress. I don’t choose people to respect because I want to be respected in return. It is given that at least as humans we are to be respected and given dignity at all aspects. Deep respect however is something earned and it’s not a cheap giveaway. It is something you craft yourself so that people will respect you. Your character is the key for others to earn your respect. I am thinking about reputation vs. character. If you have the reputation but doesn’t have the character, then what are you again? Just a title.  Oh well, I don’t need to elaborate.

       I am telling all these because a week ago, all teachers with the exception of the school administrators had a closed door meeting with PAASCU. It is the PAASCU initiated the said meeting with the promise that they will not mention names but will get ideas, recommendations and suggestions because they simply believe in teachers input as they are teachers themselves. For me, it was fruitful and helpful for our school’s endeavour to be on an applicant status with PAASCU. Whatever transpired in the said conference --- I am not in the position to discuss because I have the utmost respect to the PAASCU accreditors and I believe in their capability to summarized and relay it to the administrators. Unfortunately, one of the teachers recorded the conversation. This said teacher is very close to one of the administrators, they even share the same bed every night. Why would she record it? Why is it that the day after the conversation, she was very eager to have the names of the teachers who have spoken up to the accreditors? It smells fishy. Stinky.

           I was really discouraged at what I have discovered and I was very sad to know that this person is a teacher. Why cheat? Are you not the same teacher who would always remind your young students not to cheat? It’s funny how one single action can distort the whole picture. My perception was changed right then and there. I am not proud anymore.

             It’s humongous for the life of me to shout at the Philippine Government for having such a bad economy and status of life in this country. But I don’t have to look very far because I can see irregularities in my naked eyes. Why can’t we examine ourselves if we are living each day of our lives as good people in accordance to “Christian Values”?  No wonder why Philippines will not grow into a great country because we don’t have greatness in us. We only have ambitions but we don’t have the integrity needed to move forward nor we have the very basic value of respect, we forget how to play fair. 

               knowing what's right and not doing it anyway can get ugly as this!